Long or Short Capital

CNN is running a story claiming a woman was the greatest pirate of all time. Based on what we know about women and investing, could this be possible?

The article’s claims are incredulistic. They say that Cheng I Sao (allegedly a chick’s name fyi) “controlled a fleet of more than 1,500 ships and upwards of 80,000 sailors” and “expanded the scope of the business, branching out from simple attack-and-pillage jobs to protection schemes, blackmail, and extortion [and] set up an extensive spy network and developed economic ties with farmers who would supply her men with food.”

Some known facts about women:

1. They are bad at investing. Otherwise, I’d know more of them professionally, rather than just “professionally.”
2. They suck at cutlasses. Have you ever seen a woman successfully dominate someone with a cutlass. It just doesn’t happen.
3. They cannot hold their rum. Try this out at home with a female you know, forcing them to take down 1 part rum for every 1 part you take down. The results will surprise and please you.
4. They do not have peg legs or eye patches. Again, a quick survey of your female “friends” will show this to be the case

Now we checked the article and it did mention several times “she” but the most logical conclusion is that they misunderstood Chinese (we are fluent in both oral Mandarin and written Cantonese) and confused Cheng I Sao’s gender accordingly.

Consider this clear evidence that Cheng I Sao was a very savvy and very male investor:

Cheng I Sao’s most famous laws applied to the taking of female prisoners. Ugly women were returned to shore, free of charge. Attractive captives were auctioned off to the crew, unless a pirate personally purchased the captive, in which case they were considered married.

Recommendation: We maintain a “Do not buy” rating on piratery, after calling the top perfectly last year. While fundamentals are improving, there is continued risk that a global economic downturn would impact the richness of pillaging shipping lanes and destroy the return on capital invested in piratery machinery and assets.

HT to the no.1 anonymous alleged female alleged private equity blog, Going Private.

Roger Ebert is having a spat with his employer.

In a statement released Friday, the TV show’s distributor, Disney-ABC Domestic Television, said Ebert had “exercised his right to withhold use of the ‘thumbs’ until a new contract is signed.” Ebert is a copyright holder on the signature “thumbs up, thumbs down” judgment that’s part of each film review.

The Pulitzer Prize-winning critic responded in a statement Saturday on his website, saying he “had made it clear the Thumbs could remain during good-faith negotiations,” contrary to Disney’s press release.

When the founding fathers were drafting the Constitution, the thought that a binary thumbs up or down gesture would be copyrighted never crossed the brains that lay under their ridiculous wigs. This is something that needs to be protected for the author’s lifetime plus 70 years? Otherwise Ebert (and Siskel) would have had no incentive to create have invented it, you know, other than their hugely successful movie review show.

The only upside to this development is knowing that Disney (NYSE: DIS) is the party unable to use the Thumbs. Disney has been the semi-secret driver of the changes in copyright law over the last two decades, greatly extending their control of Mickey Mouse & Co, long after Walt kicked the can. Now, instead of being able for Ebert to have one too many Boston Cremes, they are forced to negotiate.

Recommendation: You have been living off Valley of The Dolls and Gene Siskel’s halo for dozens of years, Roger Ebert, and I am short you and your absurd copyright. Thumbs down, two of them.

Every morning, my favorite moment is when I first log onto WSJ.com. What will the market be up to today, WSJ.com? Will stocks SURGE? Are they poised to open up? Or set for a weaker start? Or will it be more of an “edge” than a “start”.

Their permutations which change every 5 minutes are the best market intel out there. The WSJ is all knowing. During the day you might see:

“Stocks rebounded with authority, like a young Charles Oakley, on hopes of a Fed cut in September.”

It’s only August now, but let’s not quibble with meaningless details. You might also see:

“Stocks declined on jitters and news of jitters and the possibility of more news on jitters. Europe treaded water.”

“Stocks love cartwheels; markets set to spin.”

“Caution down below; market openings point to a steep downward motion.”

From this NYTimes article on plastic surgery:

“In a bosom-obsessed society where you think you can earn $20,000 more with bigger breasts, is it insane to consider taking out a loan to have surgery?” said Dr. Essig, who is writing a book on the economics behind plastic surgery. “The demographic is teachers, law enforcement officers and stay-at-home moms.”

Yes, it is insane. Not one of those three professions have any financial upside from bigger breasts. Now if you are talking about strippers, or charity fundraisers, or taxistutes, then yes, maybe a boob job becomes capex.

Recommendation: Long cosmetic surgery for women, despite its cost, it has huge immeasurable positive externalities. A government subsidy would better the world, but even purely private financed cosmetic surgery is a win for men. Also this site is amazing; intelligent exploitation of the idiot demographic.

HT to The Empirical Skeptic

Time Travel is now back in play, so it’s important to plan your investments accordingly. Here are some strategies which, according to our extensive time traveling experience, will be adopted in the future.

Groundhog Maximization: This involves using your time machine to go back into the past and relive a past day as yourself. Yesterday works best. You keep reliving yesterday’s making money until you have have perfected it. Then you move on to the next day.
Upside: Maximizes each day of your linear life.
Downside: Doesn’t maximize each day of your actual life. Also you would probably have to kill yourself each day to get your past self out of the way.
Caveat: Not as easy as it looks. Sometimes referred to as “Sawtooth Snapping”.

Terminator Option Protection: Use time travel to go back in time and eliminate the creation of the ability to travel in time.
Upside: This will protect your time travel based investment from “Me-too” copycats and other space-time continuum irregularities.
Downside: This may undue your existence and/or create a rift in the space-time continuum, which will in turn probably destroy reality.
Caveat: Be sure to avoid making contact with a younger version of yourself.

Alien/Squid Technology Asset Allocation: This involves using your time machine to go into the future to steal either alien or squid (depending on which race becomes our overlords) technology. Then your time machine is used to bring said technology back to the present where you can use your assets to fund the profitization of your future tech.
Upside: This could make you billions.
Downside: Your Moody’s survival rating would be below investment grade; given that it’s from Moody’s the floor is the limit as to your actual survival rate.
Caveat: Make sure you bring back something potentially lucrative. Renewable energy based on salt water = Good. Alien ionizing deodorizer = not Good. Anything that you can buy at the Sharper Image is Not Good. Also do not bring any aliens or squid back with you as it may accelerate the end of the human race.

They’re turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers.
But what’s the real cost?
‘Cause the sneakers don’t seem that much cheaper.
Why are we still paying so much for sneakers
When you got them made by little slave kids
What are your overheads?
Flight of the Conchords

Past Quotes Entirely Relevant to Investing

Hi, my name is Ben. I am in charge of the economy, more or less. To my left, a man far less important. To my right, Greenspan. Last night, the three of us held a secret meeting in our hidden Fed safehouse. There we drank, ate, told some amazing jokes and then decided to cut the Fed Discount Rate 50 basis points.

The rate cut was approximately this big. The technical issue as to what the Discount Rate actually means is largely irrelevant — the takeaway for you is that we cut a Rate 50 bips. Does that make you happy?

I knew it would make you happy. It made me happy too, that’s why I did it. Some have concerns that this is a ham-handed intervention into a free market and worse, a temporary salve, that will give people a delusional sense of comfort. These are really good points, so let’s switch to a profile shot.

As I mentioned above, I am in charge of the economy, more or less. And the economy, more or less, is the stock market. As you can see there is nothing temporary about today’s bump in the DJIA. Also did I mention that the Rate cut was this big?

You did not fail, and get to subject yourself to even more hell starting in April. You are closer to the shiny merit badge of financial glory, the CFA designation.

To those of you who did fail, the world needs stock brokers too.

Guy #1: Subprime?
Guy #2: Subprime?
Guy #1: Subprime.
Guy #2: Jitters.
Guy #1: Exposure?
Guy #2: Subprime Jitters.
Guy #1: INFLATION.
Guy #2: No, CONTAGION.
Guy #1: But the expected loss on all residential subprime loans is de minimis to the greater economy.
Guy #2: Liquidity. And contagion.
Guy #1: Oh. Fuck.
Guy #2: Commercial paper.
Guy #1: The end.

If you hold back anything, I’ll kill ya. If you bend the truth, or I think you’re bending the truth, I’ll kill ya. If you forget anything, I’ll kill ya. In fact, you’re gonna have to work very hard to stay alive Nick. Now, do you understand everything I’ve just said? Cause’ if you don’t, I’ll kill ya!
Rory Breaker in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Past Quotes Entirely Relevant to Investing

Bob Murray, insane person and CEO of Murray Energy, a coal mining firm who owned the mine that collapsed in Utah, trapping six miners, has had a lot to say about the situation.

Corporate speak:

I don’t know if the miners are alive or dead, only the Lord knows that. But it is up to Bob Murray to get them out.
-Bob Murray CEO

Translation:

I am effing insane. The Lord knows this. These miners are screwed.

Corporate speak:

He also continued to insist that an earthquake, not a “bump,” caused Monday’s collapse. On Tuesday, however, Rafael Abreu, a geologist with the U.S. Geological Survey National Earthquake Information Center in Colorado, said a 3.9 magnitude event recorded Monday lacked the wave forms characteristic of a naturally occurring earthquake.

….

But Tuesday afternoon, Richard Stickler, the assistant secretary for the federal Mine Health and Safety Administration, told reporters gathered near the mine that “retreat mining has been done at this operation.”
–Salt Lake Tribune article

Translation:

The Lord knows this was not an earthquake.

Corporate speak:

You see, so-called “global warming” is a human issue to me, not just an environmental one.
-Bob Murray’s testimony before congress at a climate change hearing in March 2007(Link)

Translation:

A human issue for me, Bob Murray, owner of the 12th largest coal mining company whose entire business is based on digging up coal, which allegedly worsens so-called global warming.

Dear Valued Client:

Last week you received a letter from the head of Long or Short Capital Management, Mr Juggles. In this letter Mr. Juggles told you that although your money was invested wisely according to the prospectus, that money has subsequently disappeared. We wanted to write you to let you know that after further diligence this is 100% accurate. Your money is definitely, definitely gone, for sure.

The feedback we received on the previous letter has revealed that you are unhappy that your money is gone but you were especially upset with our refusal to accept responsibility for your money being gone. Well first we would like to remind all of our valued clients that you shouldn’t point fingers. This is not just your fault, it’s everyone’s fault. Even ours, just to a much lesser degree than it is yours( especially important point for you to take away). We have completed a detailed and rigorous analysis of whose fault it is and thought it was important to share the results:

The chart depicts graphically the small size of our fault. After further study it was determined that all of our market share of the fault stems from one person: Mr. Juggles. As of this morning we have resigned him. Kaiser Edamame, our Germo-Japo restructuring expert and portfolio manager of our anti-union humor portfolio, will take-over for Mr. Juggles effective immediately.

We have also implemented several restructuring measures to ensure that when your money disappears in the future, it is less our fault than it was this time. Starting on August 30th, before we invest in low-yield, illiquid securities with high default risk we promise to “think-twice”. This represents a 100% increase in the amount of thinking we have done in the past. Also, in the case of our most risky investments, before we increase our exposure to them we will now “sleep on it,” something we have not done previously. We feel confident that these measures will significantly increase your returns and hence our fees over time.

Please contact me with any questions.

Subprimely,
Johnny Debacle
EVP Long or Short Capital Managment

Just got off the phone with the wisest lady I know and she had some key insights into the hot topics of our day:

On the state of the markets and her 401K allocation: “Well it seems to me there’s a lot of finagling going on, and I don’t like finagling so I sold most everything.”

On Hillary Clinton: “You know I’m a democrat but I just don’t like pushy women, no one does”

On Barrack Obama: “He seems like a great man but I don’t think he has a chinaman’s chance of winning”

Recommendation: After our discussion with this wise sage who is unaffected by consensual crowd mentality and political correctness we recommend selling the market, Hillary, and Barack Obama.

The market sagged like grandma due to credit jitters, subprime worries, a lack of PE activity, a collapse in bond prices, non-double digit earnings growth, China, Russia, a superspike in the price of indium, the stupid ending of the Harry Potter book where he wakes up and it’s just a dream and Voldemort is his dad (spoiler alert), and a realization by the market that no matter how high she goes, people will still see her as a failure if she has an off week. She is the hardest working woman in stock business, give her a break.

KKR (Sorta listed in like Amsterdam or some shit): Jealously eyeing Blackstone because they were able to pull off their IPO at a peak.
Market Impact -75

Blackstone (NYSE:BX): Jealously eyeing KKR because they were unable to pull off their IPO and thus are not exposed to the judgement of the plebes.
Market Impact -100

Every other PE firm — Jealously eyeing KKR and Blackstone for being incrementally more prestigious than they.
Market Impact -300

Chevron (NYSE: CVX): Chevron continued investing in production facilities for it’s “Blind Faith” field in the Gulf of Mexico. First drilled in 2005 there is little to no evidence that oil reserves will be discovered. When asked why the company was spending so aggressively on this speculative field they responded “Go ahead, don’t believe us, that sure worked out well for Doubting Thomas didn’t it? Just because you can’t see the oil doesn’t mean there isn’t any, that’s what faith IS, duh”.
Market Impact -20

The Actual Economy: Hey guys, I’m doing great! Why y’all look so glum?
Market Impact -400