I have been stuffing my pillowcases with Krugerrands in anticipation of the bailout bill and the inflation that is surely to follow. I recommend you invest in gold, silver, and guns. Further diversification into mackerel is also desirable. This currency has the benefits of being more liquid(oriented) and tastier than the dollar. Additionally, you can already use it to purchase haircuts, food, and other items and services throughout the US*.
*prison system
Sept. 18, 2008 — UK bans short-selling of financial stocks
Sept. 19, 2008 — US bans short-selling of financial stocks, requires reporting on all other short sales
Sept. 26, 2008 — China approves short-selling and margin accounts for first time in order to develop market
Recommendation: Short the US & EU. We are regulating ourselves out of existence while China and the developing world moves in the other direction.
Some investors consider sales and marketing expense to be a real investment. If a company is building its brand, it’s building its barriers to entry. Now we know why the private equity funds are doing so poorly. Cerberus and Sears (NASDAQ: SHLD) (now Eddie Lampert’s investment vehicle) have been decreasing their advertising spend…their barriers to entry must have come down shortly thereafter. Looking at the top advertiser through, PSAs, I am confident that Government and wish-washy non-profit organizations will continue to grow…their moats are getting larger.
Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency.
-The Bailout Proposal
Dear US Taxpayer,
I would like to congratulate you on your recent purchase. I am glad I was able to convince you that now is the ideal time to offer an uncapped backstop on a $5.2 trillion book of mortgages. We here at the Treasury Dept (along with our sisters over at the Fed), appreciate your repeat business. I am confident that this acquisition will be a profitable one; perhaps even more profitable than your recent purchase of JPMorgan’s Bear Stearns’ liabilities!
Please know that we are actively seeking more deals on which we can work together. I am confident we will find more interesting opportunities before the end of the year.
Yours Truly,
Hank Paulson
The real cost of government is measured by what government spends, not by the receipts labeled taxes. The goods and services it buys are not available for other use…Suppose government spends $400 billion and raises $350 billion in funds labeled taxes. Who do you suppose pays for the $50 billion difference? The tooth fairy? Hardly. You do.
-Milton Friedman
Some believe in eating anything, while the weak eat only vegetables.
-The Bible
Buying a house and buying a house on fire are two different things
-Jamie Dimon talking about the Bear Stearns deal
Give a man a fish; he’ll eat for a day. Give him a sub-prime fish loan and you’re in business, buddy!
-Stephen Colbert
Long or Short turned three earlier this week. Three is an interesting age, when you are just getting confident on your feet, forming words and sentences with rapidly increasing complexity, and, if in China and female, celebrating the third year anniversary of your drowning death. As we become literate and eventually attend pre-school, I hope you will bear with us, all the way through the awkward future tween years that lurk ahead. Then you can pretend you aren’t our parents and leave us at a Bangladeshi train stop to be sold into slavery or consumed by anthropomorphic global warming induced rising sea levels.
Regardingly,
The LoS Staff
September 2nd 2008, according to Young Jeezy according to Pitchfork.
This Is Why It’s Hot: Hip-Hop analytics is a powerful , if nascent, tool. Formerly, the medium was known as solely a form of entertainment. The trend has been for leading hip-hop performers to make a transition from “artists” to “businessmen”. 50 Cent has ventured into private equity with his stake in Vitamin Water, while Jay-Z has been involved with a leveraged buyout transaction of his clothing line, Rocawear, amongst other ventures. We think it is inevitable that Hip-Hop itself will also make a transition, from “art” to “analytical tool”. We will stay abreast of all related developments and I will not stick my manhoods in the mashed potatoes*.
*Unless it will result in better performance for our clients or it really is that kind of party, than I will stick my manhood in the mashed potatoes.
HT to Pasha
Zimbabwe is introducing a Z$100bn bill to circulation. This does not cover one days worth of expenses (Z$500bn) for a person living in Zimbabwe (an unlucky sperm club member). Normally, this would be a terrible thing. However, rampant inflation is a fact of life in Zimbabwe and taken for granted. What the citizens don’t realize is the great lengths their government is going to in order to encourage math skills. For instance, calculating the cost of lunch (Z$100bn) for a week (multiply by 7) including inflation (estimated at 4,500% to 11,000%) requires seriously carrying some digits; the cost for a week is well into the trillions!
Recommendation: Invest in human capital: smuggle waiters, cashiers, and other frequent handlers of cash out of Zimbabwe. These people will be able to mentally manipulate numbers of 13 or 14 digits quickly and accurately. Long or Short estimates that at current inflationary rates, these humans will be able to replace most semiconductors’ calculation power by the end of 2008.
Mankind is divided into rich and poor, into property owners and exploited and to abstract oneself from this fundamental division and from the antagonism between poor and rich means abstracting oneself from fundamental facts.
-Joseph Stalin
Lam Sai-wing is the head of Hang Fung Gold Technology, a retail jewelry company based out of Hong Kong, famous for its Swisshorn Gold Palace. The WSJ caught up with him to talk about his golden romper room.
Corporate speak:
Building a gold toilet, I realized…would be like an investment, plus we could let people see it for an admission fee, and we could use it to launch our brand. [Besides gold prices were so low they could only go up; buying gold at $200 an ounce would hedge against inflation]
-Lam Sai-wing
Translation:
This was the perfect way for me to stoke my ego plus it was a sizable risky speculation in a commodity which, as a retail jewelry business, is not what we should be doing — another reason it was a great idea! I knew that if gold went up, I would look like a genius and likely get a nod from the Wall Street Journal who eats up these zany stories; if gold went down or stayed the same, I would look like the guy with the crazy big ego but I’d still be rocking a gilded room. A classic win-win situation for me, win-lose for the shareholders. It’s all in the game.
Corporate speak:
The toilet and the Guan Yin statue are the most valuable pieces[.] As for the toilet, that’s the cornerstone of our company[.] It’s an icon. It will never be taken apart.
-Lam Sai-wing
Translation:
As for the toilet, that’s my throne. It will be taken apart if the price is right.
