Baby Carriage Exposé Part 3: Pram to Blam-Blam

by Johnny Debacle

With the elimination of the papoose, baby transportation was free to evolve, liberated from the tyranny of ancient Indian wisdom. First came the pram, short for “perambulator” which is latin for “harbinger of doom.” It afforded western babies the ability to be transported by their confederates, so-called “parents”, with enough distance from adults that baby-to-baby communications could not be effectively monitored. The pram was an important baby step, but it bore the fatal flaw of limiting a baby’s ability to survey the field effectively as the baby’s face was oriented to look backward or up, not forwards.

In 1889, William Richardson, at the behest of his baby masters made a breakthrough in carriage tech, the fearfully named stroller. Strollers were able to face either forwards or backwards, depending on what tactical needs the situation dictated. The outward facing position greatly improved the flexibility of baby-to-baby (B2B) communication, as well as the the ability for such communication to be performed in surreptitious fashion. Additionally they featured better handling, higher top speeds and better gas mileage.

Improvements have been realized incrementally since the 19th century, always effected by the baby’s loyal proxies, parents. They couch this arms race in silver-tongued banalities like “We want to do what’s best for the kids” and “Think about the children” or “It’s all about these little guys right here.” Those bastards, do they know not what they have wrought?

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POSTED: 07/22/09 7:26 AM
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Comments

  1. joe
    July 22nd, 2009 | 3:00 pm

    One sub-evolution of the baby “stroller” has become the baby “troller” where fathers of infants and toddlers go for some quality time together. “Quality time” being a euphemism for walking around parks and other places where hot chicks might bend over to look into the carriage and surreptitiously give papa a look down the cleavage. This works even better in some foreign cultures, especially if you are pushing around a blond haired little bundle.

  2. finance articles
    July 22nd, 2009 | 7:32 pm

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  3. american bandersnatch
    July 23rd, 2009 | 6:48 am

    JD – I’m guesing your significant other is pregnant and that inspired the series. Don’t worry – children don’t destroy civilizations, just your own life. Of course, the exception being the Children’s Crusade when things got out of hand.

  4. Johnny Debacle
    July 23rd, 2009 | 10:32 am

    There is a lot of further research that needs to be done, peekarus, trollers, pet strollers etc. And she’s only a little bit pregnant.

  5. Anal_yst
    July 23rd, 2009 | 1:33 pm

    @JD

    I was unaware there was degrees of pregnancy, thought it was a purely binary scenario: either you are, or you are not.

    Please, enlighten me!