Long or Short Capital

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In the mini-series Band of Brothers, the 101st Airborne’s Easy Company encounters concentration camps and the horrors contained within. After that point, the Nazis were no longer just conquerors who these Americans thought should be pushed back into the bowels of Bavaria. The Nazis were the pure evil and Easy company knew that it was their moral imperative to defeat Hitler’s men, lest the forces of darkness swallow the Earth whole. The title of this episode was “Why We Fight.”

To Gary Barzell, business loans are Nazis. If you need financing, the idea that you would be forced into making secured loans impugns his sense of right and wrong. That is why he will offer you up to $250,000 in unsecured business loans. No questions asked.

How do we know this? Let’s just say that Long or Short Capital is richer by approximately $250,000 at each of our possible levels: parent, opco, several subs and a series of shell entities we created solely to be able to exploit Gary’s generosity.

The best part is that because these loans are unsecured, there is no collateral he can seize from you when things go awry or you fly to Tahiti.

Now you might be saying, isn’t this the kind of reckless no doc no strings financing extended to uncreditworthy entities (like Long or Short, for example) that built the bubble that got us into the current economic mess? The answer is YES. But it’s also this kind of reckless no doc no strings financing extended to unsavory uncreditworthy entities (like Long or Short, for example) that let us know our long economic nightmare is over, that the target for the DOW should be reset to 36,000 from our previous target of 8, and that we will be mini-balling again in no time.

Returning back to Easy company, they realized in “Why We Fight” why they fought. To defeat evil. Like those brave American soldiers, Long or Short has learned Why We Write. We write to get paid and to defeat evil. And to kill Nazis.

Thanks you and God Bless.

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Times are tough. If you walk out onto Wall Street these days, it looks worse out there than Oklahoma did during the Depression. Things have gotten so bad that Steinbeck plans to write The Rapes of Math, a sequel to his most famous novel, this time based on the experiences of those in finance. He plans to write this from his grave, after Alvarez & Marsal recapitalize him, restructure his operations and generally work him out. Some people call them vultures; I like to think of them as mad scientists who bill $600 an hour or $200,000 per month to reanimate corpses.

At Long or Short Capital, we have been proactive in our response to the Great Regression. We embezzled as much money as we could before the invisible hand hit the fan, so to speak. Then we stopped our dividend to ensure that we could build an adequate capital cushion to weather this storm. More recently, we have retained counsel to make sure we had adequate cash flowing out of our operation and to cover us from litigation from irate subscriberholders. Now, we bring you this sell-out saturday about this wonderful site called Wall Street Survivor because we really really need the money.

You may ask — how does this site work? Why does it exist? Specifically, how does it help someone survive Wall Street?

I would answer: I don’t know, I don’t know, and by not having you invest fantasy money into fake stocks, respectively. In fact, if you were to have invested your portfolio solely in a portfolio at Wall Street Survivor, you would have outperformed every single major index in 2008 and YTD. There has not been a better time to invest in a fantasy portfolio than the last 18 months and I say that despite the fact I am being paid to write this. I also say it because I am being paid to write this. But Wall Street Survivor has never lost me a dollar, which is something you can build on. Also, as indicated in the post title, I have not been poisoned by their site which is to their credit as well.

No man loves America more than Neil Diamond and no man wants your 4th to be better and freer than Neil does.

Except the staff of Long or Short Capital.

Long or Short Capital Released this statement on Monday.

“Long or Short Capital is now present on Twitter. Based on the fact that one of our main contributors uses it, we estimate that at least one of our readership uses it. We don’t know if any of our other readers are on Twitter, or use it, or care if we are on it. We do know that it’s likely that if you are on Twitter and formally didn’t care if we were on it, you now do based on our tacit mutual acknowledgement of our superior smarts.

For a little background, Twitter was started in 1904 by Dean Twitter as a cooperative insurance organization for car-owners. It developed into a competitor to car clubs such as AA, but also branched out into various insurance businesses and of course, stock brokering. The depression happened and that was bad for Dean Twitter, as it was for many people. Then in 2006, Twitter scrapped all of its successful existing businesses and invested all of its capital in creating a Web 2.0 social web-app that allowed for users to communicate with one another in a way somewhere between a blog, a chat-room and IM. This is called tweeting.

To follow us on Twitter, log on to AOL and navigate to keyword Longorshort on Twitter.

Our twitter strategy is currently as mature as our humor, so we are not sure to what extent we will make use of the platform, if at all, other than as currently represented. Despite this, we expect analysts to raise forecasts to much higher levels, and frankly, this would really help me a lot, because I plan to sell a lot of company stock and would appreciate the bump. [Gracias muchachos] [Spanish Editor’s Note].

Mr. Juggles”

On February 23rd, Long or Short Capital released this statement.

Good morning. Stakeholders who have read our reseach piece on Mugabe Efficieny Theory know that Zimbabwe is the most progressive country in the world economically. Already, the ideas developed by Mugabe and contained with Zimbabwenomics have been adopted in Kazakhstan and by John McCain.

Well, when a Zimbabwean-based advertising opportunity arose, Long or Short’s interest was aroused. We are pleased to announce that we have purchased real estate on The Million Zimbabwean Dollar Homepage. We think, like most things Zimbabwean, the fundamentals of the Million Zimbawean Dollar Homepage suggest unfettered growth. We expect our stakeholders will benefit from the remunerative effects of this powerful investment in our own traffic. You’re welcome.

We look forward to updating our readers on recent financial results and our calendrical reporting shift in the next few weeks. Good day, sirs.

Valentine was a saint by some accounts. By other more masculine accounts, Valentine was a cruel master, only interested in ensuring that men were immured in love. At this, Valentine was a complete success. He built his day to be the perfect prison, the Alcatraz of holidays.

Some relationship-ensnared men have tried to escape, oh yes, they have tried. Every attempt has led to either a drowning in the cool rivers of Nosex or a plunging to the steeped tips of Shivintheribwhilesleeping. As your advisor, as someone who is paid to be smarter than you, and most importantly (but least sincerely), as your friend, we implore you not to try to escape. Your best bet is to give in, to roll over and focus on surviving.

Survival requires one thing — buying your girlfriend one of the following: flowers or chocolates or shiny shit. Again, as your advisor and friend, we have helped you out and provided below a handy link to the VERY best supplier of flowers and chocolates in the whole world, FTD.com. Please, for your own sake, not for ours in any way, click the link below and buy something for your girlfriend before you find your lungs suffuse with the frigid waters of the river Nosex.

Last year, we gave you, our readers, the gift of efficiency by providing you all with a guide to things you want to own. Even though prior to reading our guide, you hadn’t known you wanted these things, you quickly realized yet again that we are a better judge of what you like than you. Those things are still things you want to own, trust us, we did the research and we’re smarter than you.

As smart as we are, we know we can never rest on our laurels and have provided a version of the guide with entirely new items that you want to own. You should proceed to click through and buy all these items for yourself so that you can enjoy Christmas and reduce deadweight loss as percentage of all Christmas gift related spending. We own or consumed all these things ourselves, so we put our consumption where our internet post is.

As an aside, someone who clicked through and bought something last year also bought these two items: Clearblue Easy- Fertility Monitor Test Sticks, 30 Sticks and Clearblue Easy-Fertility Monitor. Note to the fellas: our ideas are fertile enough to impregnate your lady, so be careful.

Things

A veritable grab bag, but all things that have improved our lives in the LTM. Let us paint the scene of what these things can do for you: A stronger grip, a firmer buttocks, a set of ripped calves (is that a good thing or a bad thing?), and a covenient notebook to record your transformation into an Adonis as you await the perfect reheating of cold pizza in your Infrawave oven. Plus a digital camera which is so small and stylish it just screams “Put me in your pocket and use me to be sketchy.”

Games

Last year we recommended the DS and the Wii, this year we recommend everything but the PS3. People used to think that gaming in your late 20’s and early 30’s meant you can’t get laid and your heart has replaced its bloodflow with Cheeto-flow. Well the last game on our list was developed by this chick and that’s enough for us to say that video games are 100% mini-baller compatible.

Movies and Shows on DVD

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Watch it. We can’t stress 30 Rock enough. The rest are a combination of the best movies released on DVD in the LTM as well as the best movies named Robocop and The Running Man made in the 80’s.

Music

The common thread is that there is no common thread, except that they are all in this post. We even included a comedy CD!

Books

Shantaram was read by two us us and loved by two of us, despite it being 800 million pages longer than the average book. 100% loved out of those who read it is hard to beat.

And if all else fails, try our Amazon Prime search engine partner.

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Whenever Long or Short has accounts receivable factoring needs, which is to say all the time, the firm we have never turned to is Transfac Capital for accounts receivable factoring. Based on extensive research, and even more extensive due diligence, and also some channel checking, and one ill-advised expensive consultant’s report, and the opinion of this magic 8-ball, and you really thought I can’t put in another comma demarcated area because it’s too strung out already, but you’d be wrong, we can conclude that Transfac is the most exception accounts receivable factoring firm which Long or Short Capital has never used. The reason we continue to never use it, is we fear it losing the aforementioned standing in our accounts receivable factoring ranking — if we were to use them, it would entirely discombobulate the rankings.

But when we are facing immediate needs for cash, our piggybank is dry, and the only option we have is to sell our accounts receivables to a third party, we would definitely consider using an accounts receivable factoring firm like Transfac (but not actually Transfac due to the aforementioned rankings concern).

The question on everyone’s minds, “How Is Factoring different from financing from a bank?”, is handled in their FAQ,

TRANSFAC focuses on the credit worthiness of your customers when making funding decisions. Banks will focus on your company’s financial history and cash flow. Additionally, since Factoring is not a loan; there is less debt on your company’s balance sheet. TRANSFAC is able to make quick funding decisions, banks may take weeks or months to approve a loan.

One of the best aspects of Transfac Capital is their bold choice of a pine green in their web design. It says real, natural, green….AR factoring. It makes you feel like eating a pie in a Twin Peaks setting, warm and welcome, but without the scary backwards talking jazz dancing midgets! We can’t recommend them enough for a firm we have never used.

Being that today is the celebration of US Independence from the tyranny of bad teeth, we thought we would similarily set our reader survey data free from the tyranny of us not setting it free.

Long or Short Capital Blog Reader Survey Results

The digest profile of you, our reader:

• Very white
• Very male
• Urban
• 27
• On your way to a post graduate degree or making $100k+ as an “Analyst” in the finance/banking industry
• Republican
• Watch the Colbert Report
• Have not shopped at Wal*Mart in the last month
• And never consume Tequila

With the pending release of our quarterly financials, and facing a lack of appealing growth opportunities, we have decided to focus on growing the entire category and pushing the needle that way. In light of this, we have added a list of sites under “Undervalued Assets” which will be populated with smaller, undervalued investing or financial blogs in whom our readers should consider investing. Think of it is as a watch list of small cap blogs. If you know of sites that fit this criteria or are a site that fits this definition, shoot an email to misterjuggles@gmail.com. We only require good content or cash bribes, but please do not be insulted if we add you or take you off after adding you, we intend to have it a healthy amount of rotation to make it more useful.

Long or Short Capital’s third quarter of fiscal year 2007 closed on April 30th, 2007. After reviewing our financials, we have determined that the quarterly dividend will be at the formula level of $0.75 per a subscriberholder as of 4/30/2007. To qualify, all you need to be is a subscriber, either by XML or E-mail, as of 4/30/2007. If you were not, you will not be eligible.

For more information on how to collect your cash or cash equivalent dividend for Q3, please refer to our Dividend Policy. Given our float of 1012 subscriberstakes (as of 4/30/2007), a 5% growth assumption and our trailing twelve months total of dividends of $3.65 per subscriber, our current capitalization is $193,925 using a dividend discount model.

In order to more efficiently exploit our subscriberholders, we need to know more about them. In this vein, we urge you to take this reader demographic survey. We promise there will be beer and alcohol involved. And strippers*.

*Strippers are conditional on you doing the survey within the confines of a participating strip club.

Long or Short Capital’s fiscal 3rd Quarter ended on 4/30/07, and the company reported its results in a press release:

Mr Juggles: “Morning all. The third quarter was a transitional one for Long or Short. We took part in initiatives which had a negative short term impact on our financials, but which will position us for a higher level of long term sustainable earnings. Additionally, we put less focus on unadulterated traffic growth and more focus on user interaction. Lastly, we worked with our customers to squeeze working capital down to more efficient levels to drive cash flow. Any quarter would have been disappointment following the milestones we were able to blow out of the water in Q2’07, but I am proud to say that I think management proved in Q3 that we will not pander to short term financial metrics, unless it will increase value to subscriberholders, in which case we will pander to short term financial metrics.

Sequential same store traffic, our measure of organic traffic, showed a 5% positive trend against Q2. Considering that last quarter was our historical peak, it means this quarter is now our historical peak, and this is, clearly, historical. Our proprietary “Eyeball Monetization Conversion” ratio, a non-pageview measure of revenue generated per customer, decreased from $18.43 to $14.49, expected due to a scale-back in static advertising and other strategic initiatives which I will address later. Our EMCr still improved 67% on a year over year basis.

We generated earnings per subscriberholder of $0.91 compared to $2.12 in the second quarter and $0.60 in Q1. We generated $947 in revenue for the quarter, a 685% increase year over year, and slightly down sequentially. Our dosey-doe with Google Adsense and Yahoo Publisher resulted in yet another switch, this time from Yahoo to Adsense at the beginning of April. We made the switch due to our dissatisfaction with the relevance of Yahoo’s ads, as well as cost-per-click levels which were sub-twenty cents. We will continue to dynamically adjust to changes in the contextual ad market.

Text link advertising remains the stalwart of our topline, but it experienced a diminution. We sold a full load of Text Link Ads inventory in the second quarter. Subsequently, management determined that a substantial portion of that ad inventory was being delivered at sub-market rates with unreasonable contractual terms. We elected to reduce the ad inventory sold through that channel from 10 links to 1 link. This had a negative $350 impact on our topline. Management believes it is in Long or Short’s long term best interest to hold back supply while pushing for Google Page Rank 6, and then seek out premium pricing selectively. If you have the ability to link to us or coerce high page rank friends to link to us, this will help greatly in our efforts to achieve Page Rank 6, and only further the growth the amount of money we dividend to our readers and get us a step closer to feeling ok buying iPhones for our children’s stuffed animals.

We had one successful CPA campaign which we launched late in Q2 with Everybody’s Gonna Get Laid Except You and followed with “Buy Your GF Flowers Now. Get It Done“.

Our subscribership increased from 508 to 1012. Approximately half that is organic growth and half that resulted from a change in the way Google Reader shows up in susbscriber stats, namely that it does show up now.

Our free cash flow is something I am really proud of and thanks to the good work our finance department did in reaching out and shaking changes out of our customers (laughs), those slow paying mother (expletive), (laughs) (inaudible), we generated free cash flow of $1,417, an increase of 200% sequentially, and higher than our cumulative free cash flow up until the beginning of this quarter. We set a target on last quarter’s call for working capital to run in the 30-35% range and we like the progress we were able to achieve in just one quarter. We are exploring uses for our cash which include but are not limited to investments in regional financial humor producers, acquisition of competitors, complicated structures involving SPEs that would allow us to mislead potential investors, or one really nice corporate pen.

Transition doesn’t sound sexy, but let me tell you, it will be. By way of example, we are like that 7 coming out of college, you know the one, brunette with an ok body ok face and has never really put it altogether. Two years out of college, she is exercising twice a day, not-eating three healthy meals a day, she blondes her hair and learns how to get it done with makeup, and now she is a 9 plus and everyone is bidding up her assets. And how does she get that done? She transitions. And that is what Long or Short is doing, transitioning. Thanks for your time, and have a great night.”

Top Articles from the Third Quarter

1. Four Simple Steps to Becoming a Thousandaire
2. Jacob, Son of Isaac, the First Value Investor
3. Adjusted GPA on a Pro Forma Basis
4. Pomegranate Capital Thinks Women Can Run Money Better Than Men, Is Wrong
5. Crazy Person or Bluetooth Headset?: The Home Game
6. The Market, She’s a Bitch
7. Dogs Can Smell Fake DVDs and Other Malaysian Lies

Top Articles from the Second Quarter

1. Vertizontal Consolidation
2. Stop Global Warming, Make Emissions More Delicious
3. 2×2 Matrix: Less is More
4. Accounting in My Refrigerator
5. Joe Theismann Presents Monday Morning Investing
6. Critical Mass Supplier
7. Kaiser Falcon Eyes

Note that the financials below are unaudited and may contain non-GAAP measures. All numbers comply with Seldom Accepted Accounting Principles (SAAP).

Unaudited Financial Results for Q3’07
Income Statement

Contextual CPC Revenue $229
CPA Revenue $109
Static Ad Revenue $594
Other Revenue $15
Total Revenue $947

Cost of Sales $19.55
SAAP Income $926.9

Balance Sheet

Cash $1962
Accounts Receivable $302
Inventory $0.00
Prepaid Marketing/Hosting/Reg $146
Accounts Payable $0

Cash Flow Statement

Operating Cash Flow $1417
Capex $0.00
Dividends $X.00

Performance Metrics

Visits 65,290
Pageviews 133,960
Clicks on ads 282
Subscribers by Email 159
Subscribers by XML 853
Inbound Links per Technorati 394 from 148 Sites
Technorati Rank 27,274
Inbound Links per Google ~399 sites
Google PageRank 5

Past Results (due to our reliance on SAAP, previous unaudited financial results are not reliable)
Long or Short Capital Q1’06 Results
Long or Short Capital Q2’06 Results
Long or Short Capital Q3’06 Results
Long or Short Capital Q4’06 Results
Long or Short Capital Q1’07 Results
Long or Short Capital Q2’07 Results

Also here is a look at our Google Spreadsheet Financials spread out quarterly. As you can see, we strictly adhere to SAAP.

We are trying to find more quality finance blogs than the ones we have listed under “Best Resources”. Slants can include finance, investing, equity research, market commentary, private equity anonymous sardonic memoiring and any content which resembles the content we link to in “Best Resources”. We are especially interested in fresh site that not many people may be reading but are pretty good. The Epicurean Dealmaker is a good example. We do not care about current traffic, only current quality. Submit links below or by our submittal form or you can email them to misterjuggles@gmail.com.