The Real Systemic Risk: Cephalopods

by Johnny Debacle

While other research firms and investment shops getting their collective panties in a bunch about what Geithner does or doesn’t say (mostly doesn’t, in this case), we can only imagine how hard the true masters of earth are laughing: These stupid humans still don’t fucking get it.

Pull out $5.5 trillion from money market funds. Or stop it. It’s not going to matter.
Pass a mega-TARP. Or not. It’s not going to matter.
Bail something out, and then bail it out again a few months later, and then, yes a few months laterer, bail them out again. None of it matters.

You know what can be done to save the US economy long-term? Absolutely nothing, because within a short period of time, thanks to global warming and science, all that under-water real estate is going to be actual under-water real estate and its inhabitants are going to be a family of four…squids.

Over the last few years, we have meticulously detailed the likelihood that the Age of Man will soon give way to the Age of Cephalopod. They are much larger, they are much stronger, and have unique swivelling hooks on the clubs at the ends of their tentacles. More importantly, they are much smarter than we are as evidenced by the facts that they have avoided The Great Regression entirely, they have positioned themselves to benefit from Global Warming and now this TED report:

[Human imprisoners] gave [an octopus] a floating pill bottle (neutrally buoyant). Initially [our future under-overlord] grabbed it and brought it up to [her] mouth. After a while, the octopus would squirt a jet of water to the bottle to send it to the water intake, which would make it drift back to the octopus. [She then aimed the bottle, again squirted her ink into the bottle, creating such force that the bottle shattered the tank’s glass and struck dead her imprisoner. She could have escaped, but after having asserted her dominance, she decided it would be useful just to stay in place,] picking up info, storing it for the future [conquest of the Landed kingdoms].

…

Octopuses have big brains, but not a highly developed nervous system. They are quick to learn, [and have a high emotional intelligence that allows them the short memories they need to stay focused on any task]. [In a similar vein,] sexuality is relegated to end of life span, [so] it doesn’t get in the way of their intelligence [like it does for most male humans].

Not only do they continue to get bolder in their direct assaults on humanity, but we continue to learn more about the extensive strengths and abilities of these creatures. It is only a matter of time, given their array of powers, before they are the masters and we are the shareholders of Lehman Brothers (so to speak).

Recommendation: The Terminator series is so real, and so terrifying because it touches on themes that most people deal with on every day basis, namely, the destructive consequences of time travel and the ever-present fear that refrigerators and toaster ovens will become sentient and then use their cooling and heating powers to destroy humanity. Cephalopods incorporate the physical power of a Terminator, the neural networks of humans, and the swimming ability of themselves to form the dominant force in Earth’s constant interspecial war. This is why we reiterate our rating of Long on the Cephalopod Index. In this environment, cash is not king. Squid is king.

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POSTED: 02/12/09 7:53 AM
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