Risk in our Doomsday Device Fund

by Johnny Debacle

Dead_Cat commented on the Screw You, Science piece thusly:

I hereby launch my new fund Doomsday Device Partners Fund I LLC. This is a private equity-style product specifically focused on the acquisition and exploitation of doomsday devices. The fund will develop a diversified portfolio of doomsday devices, which may include particle accelerators, nuclear research and generation facilities, underground virus research laboratories and key religious artifacts. Nicolas Cage will be Chief Investment Officer and Milla Jovovich will be Chief Risk Officer.

Unfortunately for you, and really for all of us, Long or Short Capital already has a Doomsday Device fund, one which is itself a doomsday device. We designed it with an automatic trigger system, a sophisticated system of arrays and failsafes such that, if any competing doomsday fund were ever to be launched, we would be able to retaliate no matter what happened to the value of our assets.

And unfortunately for you, and really all of us, we may not have been entirely sober when we designed this system. We called it The AYFKM system, but we generally referred to is as “No Whammy.” Kaiser conceptualized the structure. The first part of the design is an array which monitors an assortment of global communication channels. There is also a direct line of communication from No Whammy to the Long or Short Capital bunker, which is not a euphemism for our moms’ basements.

The device can be activated in one of three ways:

  1. If No Whammy’s array detects that any doomsday fund has started pitching investors, the No Whammy goes live.
  2. If the Long or Short Capital bunker signals for The AYFKM device to go live, it goes live. An instance where the line of communication between the LoS bunker and The AYFKM device is severed or otherwise goes down, The AYFKM device goes live. Just in case.
  3. If there is seismic activity in Manhattan greater than 0.7 on the Richter scale or an unusually large flock of Canadian geese, No Whammy goes live.

What does it mean for No Whammy to go live? It means that within 72 hours, thermonuclear missiles will be fired from silos we have across the globe, rendering the Earth uninhabitable. We did design a fail-safe in case of a mistaken triggering of No Whammy: we have a bunker with a single person in it who has access to a button that can stop the process, provided he first gives enters the correct password.

Unfortunately for you, and really for all of us, that bunker is staffed by Yuri, a drunk and a loudmouth. And Dmitri absolutely HATES Yuri. Dmitri, you see, was the first button-pusher we hired. We had a following out with Dmitri over a heated game of Risk in which one party did not honor his agreed upon alliance, and in fact, exploited the truce that the illusory alliance provided in order to build up forces and launch an invasion from said party’s (it’s Dmitri, duh) Kamchatka base. We immediately replaced Dmitri with Yuri, because we are a responsible firm, one who cares about things like not negligently letting our doomsday device render the Earth uninhabitable. But what we could not control was how many times Yuri had had sex with Dmitri’s wife Ludmilla. Or in how many different positions. Or on how many internet webcams. And when he learned of them, these numbers very much upset Dmitri and he refused to divulge the appropriate password to Yuri. Or to us. So if No Whammy goes live and at that time Yuri deems it appropriate to stop the launch of the missiles, it’s on Yuri to correctly guess the appropriate password.

And thus here we are. Not for long mind you, but here we are.

Recommendation: This is a clear demonstration of how important it is that when deploying an automatically triggered doomsday device, one must first SIGNAL that such a device is being deployed. That is really the whole value in the device in the first place. This is a mistake we won’t make again, we promise you. Amazingly, this has happened before.

Related Reseach:

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  1. raf_oh
    November 4th, 2009 | 5:36 pm

    Of course, the whole point of a Doomsday Machine is lost, if you *keep* it a *secret*! Why didnt you tell the world, EH?

  2. american bandersnatch
    November 4th, 2009 | 6:21 pm

    It was to be announced at the Investor Annual Meeting on Monday. As you know, the Managing Director loves surprises.

  3. Patrick Bateman
    November 4th, 2009 | 6:40 pm

    Mr. President, I’m beginning to smell a big fat Commie rat.

  4. Timothy Bryce
    November 4th, 2009 | 6:43 pm

    I can no longer sit back and allow communist infiltration, communist indoctrination, communist subversion, and the international communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.

  5. Jack D. Ripper
    November 4th, 2009 | 6:44 pm

    Well, he was probably a closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine. That whole Yale thing.

  6. Patrick
    November 5th, 2009 | 3:40 pm

    Yale. Funny. Does anyone still go there?

  7. Dead_Cat
    November 6th, 2009 | 7:31 am

    That sounds like an impractical level of working capital for your GP. Assuming you’re charging 2%-2.5% management fee, you’d need hundreds of billions of AUM to maintain that set-up as a GP asset, ex-fund. Which you don’t have, I reckon. I’ll just wait for your GP to fold. And perhaps buy the system from your creditors for my fund.

  8. american bandersnatch
    November 6th, 2009 | 1:50 pm

    Any thoughts on whether doomsday risk has receded with the Fed’s arrest of Octopussy and NJ’s Tuesday rejection of one of the minions of the Vampire Squid? Are they leading indicators of mankind’s pushback against cephalopod dominance?

  9. Dead_Cat
    November 9th, 2009 | 8:49 am

    Doomsday within the next 50-100 years is inevitable. Only question is how best to exploit it / hedge it. Scottish real estate is reasonably appealing given its elevated situation, soon-to-be temperate climate and the tendency of cephalopods to avoid Scots, due to their extremely high cholesterol content.