Long or Short Capital

No man loves America more than Neil Diamond and no man wants your 4th to be better and freer than Neil does.

Except the staff of Long or Short Capital.

In its recent presentation to investors, Yahoo correctly pointed out that Carl Icahn has not had much success in recent battles with corporate management. In fact, his track record looks miserable. But they made a key error in their analysis. Where is Yahoo on this list? As one of his largest and most public failures, shouldn’t Yahoo be included in the list of his underwater investments?

Highly controversial for racial and cultural reasons, and that’s likely the only reason why it’s unpublished in academia, the Mexican Woman Theory of Women suggests that once a woman locks a man down, things change dramatically, namely into a pear (Spanish Editor’s Note: pera en español, muchachos!). Women in such situations turn into pears, or at least change their shape to be more pearlike than before. My body of research canvassed all the women I have seen in my life who are Mexican, or whom my naivete and racial insensitivity suggested were Mexican, so they might not all technically be Mexican, but for all intents and purposes, I will consider them to be daughters of Mexico.

The evidence suggest that there is a startlingly high number of attractive Mexican women between the ages of 18 and 24 (seriously, they are really hot and seem awesome in every way and I have no way of accessing that market legally domestically). But there is also a huge amount of pear shaped not attractive Mexican women aged 27+.

Why the discrepancy? What happens? Simply put, women require manipulation (and incentives) too.

Recommendation: Keep them on their toes. Literally, it’s great exercise.

Dear Yahoo!,

About a month and a half ago, we provided you with a free report on how to increase your value. Since then, you have not followed any of our suggestions. In particular, our suggestion #8 — “Let the company be bought by Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) at a 50% premium to YHOO’s closing price before MSFT’s February bid” — went unheeded.

Since then, you have chosen to take a few other actions including:

• Rebuffed Microsoft.
• Completed another reorganization (3 in 6 months?) to consolidate power fully and finally under Sue Decker. Sue Decker’s previous experience includes running the finances of Yahoo at a time when most people now agree it massively under-invested AND flubbed chances to acquire numerous of the current, leading internet companies. Prior to that, she analyzed newspapers, which are now effectively dead.
• Said re-org also consolidated power underneath Decker’s #2, Hilary Schneider, who also has a lot of experience in the dying newspaper industry. For reference, here is the stock price of McClatchy, the company which purchased Hilary’s alma mater, Knight Ridder. Her experience with a static, dying medium will surely have prepared her for the dynamic environment that is online advertising.

• Bored investors with your inane ramblings from the Chairman to the point where no one actually cares what you say. In fact, it’s likely that no $30bn company has ever succeeded in having investors treat its Chairman’s letters like viagra spam before. No I don’t want More Yang, [Mark as Spam].

However, I must give credit where credit is due. Congratulations on:

• Creating one of the fastest growing groups on Facebook: Yahoo Alumni.
• Finally getting the attention of internet community centers like Techcrunch, where they have set up special pages to track the departures of your executives.

Had we known here at LoS that this type of success was possible, we would never have issued our initial recommendations. Our apologies for failing to see the bigger picture.

Sincerely,
LoS