Are Walruses Efficient?

by Johnny Debacle

The most frequently asked question by our readers is the likelihood of Bernanke finishing the job that Greenspan started: inflating the US economy back into the 70’s. But the second most frequently asked question is whether walruses are more efficient than human beings. To date, my only response has been: I really don’t know…maybe? I mean they have those giant husking tusks, yet they don’t seem to have ever attained any professional employment, or attended college, or, as far as I know, even learned how to speak English. Surely there must be menial labor jobs that Guatemalans do and that walruses could do better, like opening cans or whatever. So why doesn’t the walrus work?

Because the walrus doesn’t have to.

They free ride on mother nature, ignoring the property rights of humans, fishing at their leisure, and destroying the ozone with their flatulence. They create nothing in their life and the only viable industries they contribute to are ones which revolve around their death. Countless non-profits and government agencies assist them and monitor them, likely devoting more money to the average walrus than to the average Namibian. This points to their efficient use of their own walrus capital, carving out a life of luxury wherein they get to eat sashimi every day without ever having to punch a clock.

It’s even less fair when you look at the upper class male segment of the walrus population.

Wikipedia on the Walrus:

The males show off in the water for the females who view them from pack ice. Males compete with each other aggressively for this display-space; the winners in these fights breed with large numbers of females. on the Walrus’s mating

Each herd of estrous females is attended by one or more large adult males. According to one study, the ratio of males to females averaged 1 to 23

After the mating season, mature bulls return to all-male herds.

Well, I’m not surprised. Not only does a certain privileged subset of the male population dominate walrus society, but when they are done with their walrus orgy, they discard the females and join their buddies in a male-only club, likely to smoke cigars, hunt fish and watch walrus sports.

Recommendation: I am not the walrus, but I want to be.

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  1. 1-2
    January 31st, 2008 | 3:30 pm

    Sounds like Walrusses live in the projects.

  2. wow
    February 1st, 2008 | 4:59 am

    best post in a while. nice work.

  3. tima
    February 1st, 2008 | 8:37 am

    Don’t giant squid eat walruses?

  4. Coop
    February 1st, 2008 | 11:13 am

    the title of this post should have been “mini-ballruses”

  5. GEAH
    February 1st, 2008 | 11:33 am

    Walruses eats sushi? Where do they get the rice?

  6. girl
    February 1st, 2008 | 12:08 pm

    surely we could use them for handbags or at least a nice wedge? the fault is ultimately ours.

    also, is there any breed of animal for which it does not suck to be a woman? my suspicions are confirmed.

  7. Jesus
    February 1st, 2008 | 12:11 pm

    Girl- Elephants. Black Widows. Praying Mantis.

  8. Anal_yst
    February 1st, 2008 | 1:33 pm

    @ Coop, touche

    @ girl – don’t be ridickulous

  9. February 1st, 2008 | 1:55 pm

    Mini-balruses is amazing. Well done. You get a Juggles point.

  10. Zeke
    February 2nd, 2008 | 3:12 pm

    Oh Christ. Coop’s domination fantasy has just swelled threefold.

  11. blowncue
    February 2nd, 2008 | 10:05 pm

    No, sir.

    Take your video card out of your computer, then tell me what you see.

    Walruses contributed towards the balance of the particular ecology which they inhabited. Past tense because with ice flows melting they are winding up on coasts, many emaciated and diseased due to lack of food source.

    From a male walrus’ perspective, we humans have fouled up their gig whereby they ate, hunted and screwed like porn stars. Which somehow served a crucial purpose vis a vis their ecological system.

    Everything is connected, and just about everyone is getting infected.


    (David Carradine walking into the sunset)

  12. February 4th, 2008 | 6:48 pm

    I dunno how you guys missed this, the lolrus