Math Too Hard: Qualitative Easing a Literal No-Brainer

by Kaiser Edamame

Unfortunately it seems that, when we recommended Quantitative Easy, even though it was super easy, it didn’t gain a lot of traction. The markets haven’t been nearly as easy as Ben had hoped. So we here at LoS went back to the blackboard for a new idea, something on which we could write a clean, articulate white paper.

(Aside: yes we have a BLACKboard. Funny story because see last election cycle we realized that voting for Obama was a sweet get out of racism card, like buying carbon offsets so you feel ok about how much “damage” you do every time you fly in a plane, and while this came in very handy as a guilt hedge, based on his performance we don’t think we can vote for him again, plus it wont be nearly as “urban cool” to vote for a candidate with the slogan “Change, Again, Seriously.” So we thought, what else could we do to show cultural diversity? And we came up with installing a blackboard as the most obvious answer.)

After furious sessions, much chalkyness and vigorous eraser banging, what did we come up with? Qualitative Easing. As mentioned in our last Easy piece math is hard, almost as hard as lifting weights (which are VERY heavy by the way, just found this out). But Ben, the Bernank, is a hard man, capable of bearing an Atlassian load without so much as a shrug.

Qualitative Easing will have no math (rejoice!), it will just be a touchy, feely, sensual qualitative description of how the Bernank is going to increase prices for things that you OWN (stocks, bonds, homes) and keep prices the same for things you BUY a lot (gas, food, chia pets, viagra, tickets to Japanese hologram concerts).

Assuming he accepts my draft of his Qualitative Easing announcement speech (practically a fait accompli), it would go something like this:

Dear Americans,

I, the Bernank, am going to buy all of your assets from you at much higher prices and, like a hot shower with mango body wash, it is going to feel so good for both of us. I know you’re worried about the fact that the cost of everything is going up more than your income, but worry not: it is always darkest before dawn, and a beautiful dawn it will be with the prices of all the things you want to be more valuable growing like the rising hot solar star in space that we call the sun. Simultaneously, congruently, and coincidentally, the price of everything you want to be lower will fall like the delicate summer rain which wets the earth and promulgates the freshest of smells: moisty asphalt.

My warmest and kindest and biggest love to you,
Ben Bernanke

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  1. sideways
    October 24th, 2011 | 12:58 pm

    Seriously, <10 posts per year and this is the best you can do? What happened, did you guys get hired or something? Why do I keep this on my RSS feed?

  2. Patton
    October 25th, 2011 | 2:39 am

    @sideways: Really? And the cost/hassle of keeping LoS on your RSS feed is what, exactly?

    I, too, wish the lads would right moar poasts, but I remain happy to see them whenever they occur.

    Always worth a read, therefore always worth waiting for, even if the wait is sometimes years.

  3. October 28th, 2011 | 6:34 am

    This is just a thinking of mind to consider some thing hard but actually nothing is hard if you want to do it.

  4. jd
    November 15th, 2011 | 12:37 pm

    it’s worth the wait.

  5. wsjevons
    November 23rd, 2011 | 12:34 am
  6. nyccine
    November 23rd, 2011 | 8:06 pm

    Off-topic, but always on-topic; doomsday is that much closer:

  7. Matt
    November 24th, 2011 | 5:01 pm

    In these tough times I lean heavily on the “income” portion of my portfolio. But, scrutinizing the safety profile of German Bunds (and the continent they originate from), I decided to stay away this week (see Instead, I plan to invest more heavily in non-traditional yields such as the one (formerly) found in the LoS dividend. Mind telling us when and at what level you anticipate resuming payouts?

  8. Bob Jones
    November 26th, 2011 | 4:23 pm

    Check out this blog and subscribe I think you’ll like it:

  9. Batrick Pateman
    December 8th, 2011 | 8:19 pm

    There is no means of avoiding the final collapse of a boom brought about by credit expansion. The alternative is only whether the crisis should come sooner as the result of a voluntary abandonment of further credit expansion, or later as a final and total catastrophe of the currency system involved.

  10. Batrick Pateman
    December 13th, 2011 | 8:47 pm

    Guys I have an even better idea. We can call it “Weisenthal Economics” after Joe Weisenthal of Business Insider who never saw a stimulus program he didn’t want more of.

    It’s the “Easa” card.

    Throw out the middeman. The ECB should issue to every EU citizen an “ECB Easa” card. No preset spending limit, no need to repay. Just buy anything you like to create another journal entry back at the ECB.

    You can imagine the stimulative effects of such a program. In fact, consumers could spend more than ever before because they would no longer have a need to spend all those pesky hours at work. They could simply consume at all hours of the day.

    And think of how the QUALITY of almost everything would be “eased” immediately. No more bad service at cafes and restaurants. In fact, no service at all because the workers would all be out spending on their Easa cards.

    Brilliant. Krugman and Weisenthal will love it.

  11. Anthony Fierro
    January 7th, 2012 | 1:36 pm

    Bailouts should have never started. PRIVATE money coming into the market is what can help…