Thoughts As People Attempt to Put Their Carry-On Luggage In Overhead Bins on Commuter Flights

by Johnny Debacle

Look at this asshole. This is why a woman could never be president. It’s called planning. Here’s an idea for a plan — don’t make your carry-on weigh more than that which you could hoist over your head. Why? Because you will probably have to hoist it over your head. Asshole.

Upon watching a slightly more attractive woman doing the same thing:

Should I help? I should probably help. I wonder what firm she works for. Lawyer? IR? Pharmaceutical sales rep? Look at the way her body pushes out of the dress. Maybe I should just stay sitting and watch her. Is that creepy? God I’m glad that no one can read my thoughts.

How long does it take to fold a coat? And is that even what he is doing? What ARE you doing old man? Just standing in the aisle idly, while there is a whole queue behind you getting all….queued up and shit. We all have to sit down ASAP! Time is much less on your side than on mine, so why don’t you feel any expediency? I am literally watching you die as you dawdle. What does he know that I don’t? Maybe he gets it. He definitely gets it. What don’t I get? I hate him.

Wait…why does he have wheels on that thing? There can’t be anything more than a laptop in that and maybe some paper. If there was a way to sterilize him I would, for the sake of mankind. A bag has to be the size of half a golden retriever in order to have wheels. Man that would be horrible, how would you cut it in half, lengthwise or widthwise? Maybe it’s not the best measurement. I’ll use a bear head instead. Grizzly bear head. This is the new FAA bag size regulation measurement unit for the retention of manliness and balls. If a bag isn’t as big as a grizzly bear head, you cannot have wheels on it and pull it. Done.

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