The Purchasing Powerless

by Mr Juggles

A macro trend that has concerned us greatly is the ability of the “family of four” unit to afford the modern American life. In previous generations, the FoF could afford any leisure they saw fit from sporting events to theaters to mega yachting; they could use the remainder of their moneys to run family farms which were crucial to soaking taxpayers for billlions in subsidies and ensuring that sugar was replaced with corn syrup in soft drinks.

Now the FoF unit is being priced out of the market, especially with respect to leisure. Consider that to attend a single baseball game at Fenway Park in premium seating would cost a FoF over $300; a sky box would be even less affordable. A trip to the movies would run an FoF almost $50, factoring an egregious amount of popcorn and a cadre of large ice pirates (note that the lack of the ability for any FoF to afford this leaves the $113mm domestic box office results of the Pacifier entirely unexplainable). Dinner at Nobu would cost a FoF nearly $300 assuming mom and dad wanted to tie one on. 1lb of commercial grade cocaine would cost $2,000 and a 140ft tri-deck mega yacht would run up a $28mm bill, completely out of reach for many FoF’s.

As you can see, just to attend a Red Sox game, go to the movies, eat dinner at Nobu, consume 1 lb of cocaine and buy a custom made Mega-Yacht would cost the avg FoF an astounding $28,002,650 per day. What kind of world are modern American children being ushered into, when obscene luxury is no longer a positive right?

Here is a list of affordable leisure activies for a FoF in the US:

  • Real life “Frogger”
  • Drinking lead juice
  • Being used in pharmaceutical experiments
  • Killing homeless people

Recommendation: Enjoy your excessive wealth and ignore the wahwah’s of the underclasses.

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