How to Increase the Value of Microsoft (MSFT)

by Johnny Debacle

This report is gratis, Microsoft (MSFT) .

  1. Change your name. Microsoft sounds like something that happens to me after too much El Tesoro Silver in the hot tub. Why not show your strength by fortifying your name with a masculine element, like Hard. To convey that you will no longer be an insular company, one narrowly focused on operating systems, video game systems, office software, server software, photo software, optical mice, keyboards, co-branded television stations, tablet computing, online search, video games, online content and personal finance software, you should consider an element that suggest a willingness to expand your focus more broadly, an element like Macro, which means “more broadly.” Macrohard.
  2. Change the packaging of your products. Very few women buy your products, Mr. Ballmer, and you are missing out on their money, or as we like to call it “the Pink Dollar.” You may assume that the key to attracting the Pink Dollar is to improve the content of your offering or to tailor your content to women. WRONG! Substance matters little to the average female. Focus instead on the superficial aspects. Make all your packaging pink, and have a little bow. They eat this crap up. Something that has worked for us on occassion is to put in a little note that says “Sorry.” You don’t have to specify what you are sorry for. It’s important to note that while it’s tempting to enclose a $100 bill, this will only insult and irritate the average female consumer.
  3. Social networking. You need to start developing your MyFortune500Space page so that it is cooler. AOL (TWX) is never going to be receptive to your advances until your profile is cooler than this.
  4. Start releasing random, barely functional free products. People already have have calendars, finance sites, shareable spreadheets and instant messaging software, etc. Take it up a notch. There are 127mm people who have diabetes. What about digital insulin (beta)? Or P2P lasik treatment? Think of how many people could use something like that. Or what about a robot that gives people hugs for free?
  5. Get it done.

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  1. June 7th, 2006 | 11:48 pm

    I’m going to spend the rest of my days trying to scrub Chuck’s profile from all corners of my brain. I’d short Chuck, but by the info on his profile, that’d be redundant.

    Next time, consider a NSFAUAC tag on those links, ok? (Not safe for anyone, under any circumstances. Duh.)

  2. Mr Juggles
    June 8th, 2006 | 5:00 am

    Chuck is actually Kaiser btw. He’s been working out as you can see.