Piratery Corp Inc First Quarter Update Call

by Johnny Debacle

Jason and the ARGHHHOOOOnauts

Operator: Good morning Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Piratery Corp Inc first quarter update call. Please note that today’s conference is being recorded. Following the presentation, we will conduct a question and answer session. I would now like to turn the conference over to Captain Bigdee Mofapalous.

Captain Bigdee Mofapalous: Thanks be to ye operator wench. Firstly, if it be pleasin’ ye, I would indeed be likin’ to apologize for not releasin’ our Q4 numbers to ye sell-side sons of merbitches. But there be good reason!

Ye see, we failed to report our Q4 due to certain affairs pertaining to our accounting crew. Ye may be awares that on a piratery ship, the sailors be keepin all CPAs n’ all accountin’ staffers in a dingy, dragging behind the boat. Aye it be true, to be keepin them from contaminating the crew with their ways. But we be a courteous folk, and as such, we always dispensed their fair share o’ the rum, as well as one thoroughly depreciated whore, for the purposes of retainin their manity. Well, they got on with their drinkin’ n’ whorin’ to such excess, that they fullly created a reinvention of the double-entry accounting system, if ye know what I be sayin!!!! Whilst all this debitin’ n’ creditin’ was goin’ on and about both entry points, they was entirely forgettin’ to mind the astral calendar and let us pirates be knowin’ that fiscal year 2009 had ended indeed! Verily, an honest mistake which ‘as henceforth been fully rectified, astrally, if ye know what I be sayin’. HAR HAR. HAR!

Aye, and to show ye the good faith, we were intendin’ to be havin’ a PRE-release of our earnings, followin’ on our no-release of Q4 and fiscal year 2008. But we had been bein a-worried that any premature earnings release would spook ye investors, not knowin’ that it just be somethin that be a-happenin’ to a man so accustomed to whorin’ and not knowin’ that our situation held an entirely reasonable explanation! We be apologizin’ for these ‘ere delinquencies as enumerated above.

Secondly, I now be addressin’ our trends, which ‘ave become much less grave in character since our Q3. Aye the headwinds ‘ave abated, and now be blowin’ in an easternly fashion. We no longer be havin’ to tack for all hours o’ the day, a far more sailable sea than than the choppy waters o’ Q3 n’ Q4. Margin hatches ‘ave been batted down, but such’s pirate life in times like these. We be seein’ a resolute stabilization across the board. The wenches still be wenchin’ weakly, but the rate at which their wenchin’ was weakenin’ hasn’t worsened. When it comes to wench segment, we take what spread we can get, and they take what we be givin’ them!!!!

Lookin’ to the horizon over yonder, we’ve not seen nary a sight of the Spanish fleet that aligned itself with Captain Mopling Downstarable, one o’ our biggest competitors on all seven seas. We not be ablin’ to guarantee that nothing ruinous may happen to our fleet, except by assurin’ ye that we be the saltiest piratery dogs in this ‘ere entire piratery industry and that we not be interestin’ in doin’ anything but guttin’ that blubberours blabbering Downstarable from groin to gills!! We look to be flyin’ his intestines on our here flag ship! Expectations bein’ what they be, we point ye towards believin’ that we deliver a firm 4500 in dubloons for revenues in 2009, and earnings per share o’ 1.2 dubloons. Rapewise, 2800 be a good number to model about in ye spreadsheets, with our wench fleet at 2350 after some dispositions of the routine variety.

Operator wench kindly release the lines!

Operator: Your next question comes from Douglass Fairfundoffunds of Credit Suisse. Your line is open, please proceed.

Douglass Fairfundoffunds: Just wanted to say, great quarter guys. Just wanted to say, great quarters guys. Just wanted to say, great quarter guys. Just wanted–

Captain Bigdee Mofapalous: Operator wench, please cut off the line o’ the broken sell-siborg, the automaton be in possession o’ an infernal glitch.

Operator: Certainly sir. Our next question comes from the line of Morgan Crumpacker. Mr. Crumpacker, your line is now open.

Morgan Crumpacker: Hi, guys. I just want to echo what Doug said in congratulating you guys on a great quarter. I totally agree with him.

Captain Bigdee Mofapalous: ARGH BE GETTIN’ ON WITH IT.

Morgan Crumpacker: Sure. Just a quick question for my model. When you put our your 2007 guidance in 2006, you indicated that 2009 should be the time in which you had fully incorporating the Silver Train acquisition onto your raiding platform. But looking at your ratios for early 2009, I am having trouble seeing whether it’s flowing through or not. How should I think about that?

Captain Bigdee Mofapalous: Aye, your answer be arrivin into the pea brain on ye shoulders in the form o’ a recipe from a good friend o’ my own, one Captain Bethusela Dabringalo Scrotum. To paraphrase, in a time long ago, pirates be long lost at sea, lookin’ for wenches to commence wenchin’ with. They come across one Morgan Crumpacker and decide to be makin’ him into a wench accordin’ to the specifications o’ the sea. But after takin’ to rapin and abusin his carcass, they be hungerin’ fo’ a mighty feast! This be the recipe those sailors did employ indeed! A dead Morgan Crumpacker, a large cauldron, a casket of rum, and equal measure potato beer. Boil off Crumpackers skin, add salt to taste, and stir his carcass to keep it from stickin! Operator wench, next question.

Operator: I am showing no further questions.

Captain Bigdee Mofapalous: Aye, may ye pleasures be manifold n’ may ye enemies die in a ship fire!

Operator:With that, we conclude today’s teleconference. Thank you for joining us today.

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  1. biggersmarter
    June 19th, 2009 | 5:11 am

    Just in case you haven’t read these, a suggestion for the pirate captain, may his beard be as resplendent as his future quarters.