Intrigue Bankers, a report from the future

by Johnny Debacle

From the future, as of January 10th, 2008:

A brief history of the recent turbulence in the financial services sector is as follows.

In November of last year, Citi downgraded E*Trade and set a 15% chance of bankruptcy. Goldman Sachs downgraded Citi to a sell, forcing Citi to later downgrade GS from a strong buy to a mild buy. They both agreed on the point “Why the eff does E*Trade have subprime exposure?” Merrill Lynch has made plans to downgrade GS because of its heretofore unrevealed defense pact with Citi, but they are looking internally for a way to resolve it in the context of their downgrade non-proliferation treaty with Lehman and GS. Bank of America has been skating by nicely, but has its downgrade silos “hot and ready.” CSFB, in a defensive move, has unVoltronned itself and become two lion-like entities, CS and FB, who have been firing downgrades at all comers in order to safeguard the planet Arus from the forces of Zarkon. JP Morgan is sitting on the sidelines, just happy no one has noticed how fucked they really are. Bear Stearns has been downgraded to the point of not actually existing; nothing remains aside from a glassy plane and the remnants of ridiculously cheap compensation packages.

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  1. jag
    November 19th, 2007 | 6:46 pm

    As with any Hollywood movie, the black guy (Stan O’Neal) was the first to go down… one might even say he was Lynched by a stampeding horde.

  2. Bitchtern
    November 19th, 2007 | 10:50 pm

    So this is a good time to be entering the job market in the finance sector right?

  3. cmsd2
    November 20th, 2007 | 5:01 am

    It sounds like you’re hopelessly long in the financial industry job market.

    Consider balancing that position with a short in red braces/suspenders, pin-striped suits, cigars and expensive restaurants.

  4. jiggly
    November 20th, 2007 | 8:41 am

    CF killed FB long ago

  5. jiggly
    November 20th, 2007 | 8:41 am

    CS, obv

  6. JCauto
    November 20th, 2007 | 9:46 am

    @ Bitchtern:

    Use your rookieness to your advantage. Use your resume to showcase the fact that you had nothing to do with the subprime mess; you were in fact doing keg stands at the time.

  7. jag
    November 20th, 2007 | 2:13 pm

    @ JCauto:


  8. mrsiv
    November 21st, 2007 | 5:00 am


  9. Bitchtern
    November 21st, 2007 | 6:02 pm

    Where should I list my keg stand time on my resume? How long is long enough, and how long is too long? Damn the public schools they didn’t teach me any of this!

  10. distilled
    March 16th, 2008 | 10:38 pm