How to Increase the Value of Yahoo! (YHOO)

by Johnny Debacle

$30? OH RLY?This report is gratis, Yahoo! (NASDAQ: YHOO).

  1. Find ways to make money. Sounds simple but like checkers, it takes an instant to learn and about an hour to master when you have a portfolio of the most trafficked sites on the internet and dominate Japan more than low-interest rates or even xenophobia.
  2. Rename the company OO-OO. Throwing a double-OO is probably YHOO’s best shot to take down the Goog (NASDAQ: GOOG). If you can find a way to get a triple-OO done, do it, but we’ll believe that’s possible when we see it.
  3. Traditionalists would say that Yahoo should stop CEO Jerry Yang from spending so much time playing poker. But, to improve value for Yahoo shareholders, we would encourage Jerry Yang to play much much more poker and much much less CEO. At least he is good at poker.
  4. Create a meta Fantasy Game on top of your Fantasy Sports Games. It should be a traditional roto league where you draft fantasy sports participants based on categories such as “Time of Firm Wasted”, “Dollar Value of Firm Wasted”, “Minutes Boring Other People Talking About Your League” and WHIP. The consensus no.1 pick would be Yahoo username “poneilyanks4eva.”
  5. Rehire Terry Semel. Just checking to see you if you were paying attention. Seriously, you’d be better off hiring the corpse from Weekend at Bernie’s. Unfortunately, he is currently busy trying to lead an activist campaign against Yahoo’s incumbent management team.
  6. Add one or two executives with some experience managing an internet company to the Board of Directors. Although it’s great to have marketing executives, VCs, and Bill Clinton’s best buddy on the Board, it doesn’t help your clueless founder/CEO or your President — who used to be CFO and before that, a Wall St newspaper analyst — to run an internet company.
  7. Lie to China. Spread horrible rumors about Google, like that searching through makes it so that for its users, every year is the Year of the Goat, which we all know is awful. Also start a marketing campaign based around how “Lucky” Yahoo makes its users, and throw a lot of 8’s in there. They eat that stuff up. Remember, there are a billion of them, so even if you get 5% of that market, it’s going to be about 50 million people.
  8. Let the company be bought by Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) at a 50% premium to YHOO’s closing price before MSFT’s February bid.
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  1. Juan
    May 19th, 2008 | 1:01 pm

    9. Reread and follow #8. If you start to think “but what if we…” stop yourself, take a deep breath, and reread and follow #8.

  2. May 19th, 2008 | 4:18 pm

    And the sh!tshow continues…

    “Microsoft Corp.’s (MSFT) modified proposal to team up with Yahoo Inc. (YHOO) involves buying Yahoo’s search business and taking a minority passive stake in the company after spinning off its Asian assets, according to a person familiar with the talks, Reuters reported.

    Coming soon from the 1-2 Knockout Structured Product desk: MSFT/YHOO/GOOG/ETC Clusterf&ck Notes

  3. Platinumfinger
    May 19th, 2008 | 5:17 pm

    Well Buffet was once again right – you can’t determine the value of internet companies right. I’m sure that through the magic force of synergy the value of YHOO after MSFT buys them will be lower than the first proposed by JPM for BSC – don’t need to talk of the breakup value… if you get a McDonalds coupon for that you could be considered to be a awsome negotiator.

  4. jag
    May 19th, 2008 | 9:44 pm
  5. TQ
    May 20th, 2008 | 1:46 pm
  6. Jeremy
    May 20th, 2008 | 11:57 pm

    Considering the situation, maybe poker experience is useful.

  7. To The Hilt
    May 21st, 2008 | 9:38 am

    A wise man once said:

    “You gotta know when to hold ’em (not now)

    Know when to fold ’em

    Know when to walk away

    Know when to run.” (Now)