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On Liquidating Your PA

Do:
Contact your broker and say “Sell! Sell! Sell!”

Don’t:
Contact your broker and say “Buy! Buy! Buy!”. This will lead to liquidation, especially if your account is of the margin variety, but it will take a few more weeks and involve having no money left.

Do:
Wear a whale belt. Let the market know you still feel Nantucket, even if deep inside you know you are Jersey Shore now that the market’s scythe has reaped what you have sown.

Don’t:
Drink heavily. Yet. There will be plenty of time come Friday to reenact The Lost Weekend. The drugs don’t work, but the sauce does.

Do:
Invest your new newly found liquidity in sexy parties. Sexy parties are one of very few assets with no-downside

Don’t:
Invest your money in stocks, bonds, phantom bonds, subprime mortgages, hedge funds, put options, call options, securities, US dollars, New Zealand dollars, Renminbi, currencies, real estate, gold, commodities.

Do:
Yell. Primal screaming has proven therapeutic effects. We read this on the internet.

Don’t:
Worry. Now that you aren’t invested in the markets, they can only go up.

Possibly Fake but very Full Disclosure: I own nothing

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