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Long Torture

This is torture!In the last 18 months, the market has been beaten torture, waterboarded it and, in the last two and half months especially, electrocuted its testicles. Is it time to go long? I won’t draw this out and torture you: the answer is yes!

Sure, as an information gathering tactic, torture’s efficacy is reportedly low. But have you considered that perhaps the research which demonstrates torture’s weaknesses was performed under duress? Those researchers were being tortured by the anti-torture activists to ensure that they would produce the results that proved the anti-torture agenda, since the anti-torture activists know the very truth they fear — that torture works. Their cunning and humanity are forces to be reckoned with.

But not only does torture work, as I have demonstrated above, but it is also fun. I’ve seen 24, and when Jack Bauer tortures someone, he is not only getting down to business, but also letting off steam. As far as I can tell, Jack doesn’t eat, sleep or take any break while he works. So how does he maintain such a high level of performance? By abusing a powerless person, that is how. It recharges him, like a lifesize stress relief toy or a $5000/hour hooker. Have you ever waterboarded a random stranger or a close friend? If you haven’t I highly recommend it. It leaves no visible marks, probably* won’t kill him/her and will leave you flush with an invigorating feeling of power.

Recommendation: Torture has an important place in our society, and is currently well oversold in anticipation of the Obama. Buy now or you’ll be racked with guilt later when torture comes back big.

*We make no guarantee!

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