Long Torture

by Johnny Debacle

This is torture!In the last 18 months, the market has been beaten torture, waterboarded it and, in the last two and half months especially, electrocuted its testicles. Is it time to go long? I won’t draw this out and torture you: the answer is yes!

Sure, as an information gathering tactic, torture’s efficacy is reportedly low. But have you considered that perhaps the research which demonstrates torture’s weaknesses was performed under duress? Those researchers were being tortured by the anti-torture activists to ensure that they would produce the results that proved the anti-torture agenda, since the anti-torture activists know the very truth they fear — that torture works. Their cunning and humanity are forces to be reckoned with.

But not only does torture work, as I have demonstrated above, but it is also fun. I’ve seen 24, and when Jack Bauer tortures someone, he is not only getting down to business, but also letting off steam. As far as I can tell, Jack doesn’t eat, sleep or take any break while he works. So how does he maintain such a high level of performance? By abusing a powerless person, that is how. It recharges him, like a lifesize stress relief toy or a $5000/hour hooker. Have you ever waterboarded a random stranger or a close friend? If you haven’t I highly recommend it. It leaves no visible marks, probably* won’t kill him/her and will leave you flush with an invigorating feeling of power.

Recommendation: Torture has an important place in our society, and is currently well oversold in anticipation of the Obama. Buy now or you’ll be racked with guilt later when torture comes back big.

*We make no guarantee!

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  1. January 13th, 2009 | 11:10 am

    Debacle, you’re argument makes it sound as if you’re the NAR of torture!

    “Buy now or be priced out forever!”

  2. Alex
    January 13th, 2009 | 1:10 pm

    With closing of Gitmo and scaling down of foreign wars, the supply of torture shall fall. Since human nature and apetite for cruelty takes longer time to adjust, we have

    Shorter supply + same demand= higher price.

    can i buy calls?

  3. Matt
    January 13th, 2009 | 4:04 pm

    Actually the torture market (or the short torture market?) is akin to subprime or negam lending in early 2006. 5 years of rising home prices convinced everyone that home prices always go up and DTI/documentation/affordability etc etc are stupid things.

    Similary, 7 years without significant terror activities have convinced everyone that preventing terror is a sham since terror simply does not happen. Hence torture has been oversold.

    Long torture. Significant upside potential when mark to reality eventually happens.

  4. Hans Moleman
    January 13th, 2009 | 5:53 pm

    We need to be careful here since there is “decoupling” in the torture markets. The emerging market torture space remains very expensive, especially in the Mid-East and parts of Asia.

    The exception is (as usual) China. Did you know there is over a billion people there? And every year more people are moving out of peasantry and into the dissident class. Government, err, “stimulus” packages will ensure their torture market experiences double digit growth for years to come.

  5. January 15th, 2009 | 11:46 am

    Imperfect information will distort the supply/demand curves here.

    Let’s say a Senate Committee is investigating how I got a stock tip from an Iraqi Taxi driver, and the Senate demands that I reveal my methods.

    What, exactly, are they going to do to me if I refuse to talk?

  6. RichL
    January 16th, 2009 | 9:17 pm

    Have you considered the proposition that the stock market IS torture?

    Watching Rep. Darrell Issa and former Sen. Santorum on C-SPAN is also torture.

    There still seems plenty to go around…