High-End Female Asset Analysis

by Mr Juggles

A journalist female asset asked us our opinion on “who, in the current financial climate, do you think is in the best position: the high-end wife, the high-end girlfriend or the high-end hooker?” as well as “their relative vulnerability is in relation to the vulnerability of the Wall Street honcho who might be their husband, boyfriend and/or client?” The following was the research report we created:

Just to clarify, our definition of “High-end” means “extremely firm buttocks and/or thighs that do not touch while standing”.

High-end Wife: Her position is weak because, frankly, she is a status driven nag. As Man’s ego falls commensurate with his portfolio’s value, Man will tire of her act and reallocate his assets towards strange to try and offset his ego loss. The High-end Wife is likely to adopt a simultaneous “flight to quality” strategy or, in layman’s terms, “pull a Jackie O”. But she lacks the understanding of markets to know that this is a GLOBAL financial and, soon-to-be, economic crisis, so her Aristole will really be a Raffaello. The availability of cheap, made-to-order Eastern European High-end Wives, further puts pricing pressure on a transitioning High-end Wife, whose assets are more aged and more likely to be in need of a refresh.

High-end GF: Below the high-growth exterior, High-end GFs are mainly naive and prone to huge strategic gaffes despite tactical genius and impressive, but depreciating, endowments of natural resources. Her short term position is strong, because as Man is transitioned from High-end Wife, High-end GF will get a small short-term boost. Considering that Man is likely rich, this will be a very small and very short boost. Given that this boost is purely short-term in nature, this is a classic buy on the rumor, sell on the news situation for anyone looking to invest in a portfolio of High-end GFs. Over the long term, her fundamentals will become identical to that of the High-end Wife, with the exception being that her former role as a mistress weakens her bargaining power with respect to Man in terms of Man seeking out new strange.

High-end Hooker: Her position is strongest and her assets are acyclical. In good times, men are flush with cash and looking for strange but are also less dysfunctional; this leads to an allocation towards a basket mainly consisting of High-End Wives, with maybe a 15% position in High-end GFs and a 2-5% position in High-end Hookers. As markets worsen and/or crisises take hold, Man is increasingly dysfunctional and looking for ego offsets. It also in this time when Man typically contemplates or engages in life restructuring which can entail simple cost saves, like headcount reduction, or even full-on recapitalization, flushing out the junior capital. A successful market-timing Man will typically have a portfolio composed of 60% High-end Hookers, 30% High-end GFs and 10% value High-end Wives when the market is bottoming. As the cycle comes around, the High-end Hooker position is reduced opportunistically, some of the High-end GF portion transitions organically to High-end Wives and the value High-end Wife position is added to with more growth High-end Wives.

As to relative vulnerability, obviously Man will be ok and everyone else will (still) be fucked in a recession. This is what historically has been true according to the data we have. Additionally, the cross-cyclical trend we see is that everyone else will still be fucked.

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