High-End Female Asset Analysis

by Mr Juggles

A journalist female asset asked us our opinion on “who, in the current financial climate, do you think is in the best position: the high-end wife, the high-end girlfriend or the high-end hooker?” as well as “their relative vulnerability is in relation to the vulnerability of the Wall Street honcho who might be their husband, boyfriend and/or client?” The following was the research report we created:

Just to clarify, our definition of “High-end” means “extremely firm buttocks and/or thighs that do not touch while standing”.

High-end Wife: Her position is weak because, frankly, she is a status driven nag. As Man’s ego falls commensurate with his portfolio’s value, Man will tire of her act and reallocate his assets towards strange to try and offset his ego loss. The High-end Wife is likely to adopt a simultaneous “flight to quality” strategy or, in layman’s terms, “pull a Jackie O”. But she lacks the understanding of markets to know that this is a GLOBAL financial and, soon-to-be, economic crisis, so her Aristole will really be a Raffaello. The availability of cheap, made-to-order Eastern European High-end Wives, further puts pricing pressure on a transitioning High-end Wife, whose assets are more aged and more likely to be in need of a refresh.

High-end GF: Below the high-growth exterior, High-end GFs are mainly naive and prone to huge strategic gaffes despite tactical genius and impressive, but depreciating, endowments of natural resources. Her short term position is strong, because as Man is transitioned from High-end Wife, High-end GF will get a small short-term boost. Considering that Man is likely rich, this will be a very small and very short boost. Given that this boost is purely short-term in nature, this is a classic buy on the rumor, sell on the news situation for anyone looking to invest in a portfolio of High-end GFs. Over the long term, her fundamentals will become identical to that of the High-end Wife, with the exception being that her former role as a mistress weakens her bargaining power with respect to Man in terms of Man seeking out new strange.

High-end Hooker: Her position is strongest and her assets are acyclical. In good times, men are flush with cash and looking for strange but are also less dysfunctional; this leads to an allocation towards a basket mainly consisting of High-End Wives, with maybe a 15% position in High-end GFs and a 2-5% position in High-end Hookers. As markets worsen and/or crisises take hold, Man is increasingly dysfunctional and looking for ego offsets. It also in this time when Man typically contemplates or engages in life restructuring which can entail simple cost saves, like headcount reduction, or even full-on recapitalization, flushing out the junior capital. A successful market-timing Man will typically have a portfolio composed of 60% High-end Hookers, 30% High-end GFs and 10% value High-end Wives when the market is bottoming. As the cycle comes around, the High-end Hooker position is reduced opportunistically, some of the High-end GF portion transitions organically to High-end Wives and the value High-end Wife position is added to with more growth High-end Wives.

As to relative vulnerability, obviously Man will be ok and everyone else will (still) be fucked in a recession. This is what historically has been true according to the data we have. Additionally, the cross-cyclical trend we see is that everyone else will still be fucked.

Related Reseach:



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Comments

  1. Paleofish
    October 7th, 2008 | 11:27 am

    Brilliant analysis. We anticipate new entry into the High-end Hooker segment, primarily due to the projected shift in asset allocation but also because a recessionary economy makes High-end Hooking a more attractive proposition for laid-off pharmaceutical salespersons, Bennigan’s waitstaff, former High-end Girlfriends, etc. This will drive down Hooking margins and benefit Man. We are upgrading Man to outperform.

  2. HelicalZz
    October 7th, 2008 | 11:31 am

    As with all things, high-end Mom warned you this is how you’d end up.

    P.S. – Be on the lookout for Warren Buffett in drag. His (her?) seductions are both tempting and revolting.

  3. Strattie
    October 7th, 2008 | 11:50 am

    Allocated a portion of portfolio into a high end private gents club last week to meet said demands on the high end hookers.

    Trailing?

    Long divorce lawyers and marriage councilors, as well as Spacers, adult toys, Afghan opioids, guns, and lingerie for the desperate: Fredricks of Hollywood. Short churches, high end retailers, jewelers, wedding performers, banquet halls, flower shops, photographers, bakeries.

  4. October 7th, 2008 | 4:54 pm

    While we’re on the topic, here is an old joke which is one of Mrs. Dealmaker’s favorites:

    Q: What does each of a hooker, a mistress, and a wife say after sex?

    A: The hooker says, “Did you enjoy that?” The mistress says, “Did you enjoy that as much as I enjoyed that?” And the wife says, “Beige. I think I’m going to have the ceiling painted beige.”

  5. October 7th, 2008 | 5:15 pm

    @ Strattie

    Ditto (well not so high-end, but I digresss). As far as intra-sector rotation, I’d expect to see significant migration from the Penthouses Executive Clubs of the world to the P*ssycat Lounges, Stiletto (all-n00d place by the Track/Giants Stadium, uh, I’m told), etc.

    Long 40’s, short Goose.

  6. Sully
    October 8th, 2008 | 9:51 pm

    Are any of these groups included in the short-selling ban? Long swap activity on female assets.

  7. jagorev
    October 12th, 2008 | 11:40 am

    An article that proves part of your thesis – prostitutes, though not the high-end type, are still doing fine:

    http://www.nydailynews.com/money/2008/10/11/2008-10-11_prostitution_has_not_suffered_dropoff_de.html

  8. hurricane
    October 12th, 2008 | 12:40 pm

    all of you low testosterone-low faggets are such tiny mating bone heads.

    Your problems STEM from not being able to get a decent FUCKING CUNTto lick and slobber over your smelly shitty dicks.

    You, you and especially YOU, think you know so fuppin much about women. LOOK AT YOU DUM,B ASSES NOW1111 WHICH MALE ADUYLT FUCKED YOU IN THE BUTTHOLE? HUH? TAKE THAT TO YOUR MOTHER’S BANK AND SUCK IT UNTIL HER DRIED UP CUNT FECALIZED ASS JUICE ENTERS YOUR GDMFBIGDWIGHT NOSTRILS.

    GET A FUCKIN’ LIFE. YOU GUYS ARE SO LOW DOWN AND DIRTY. I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOU SHITTY LIVES. HAVE FUN. SEE YAH. AND YOU…FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU DON’T HAVE.

  9. Pleb
    October 14th, 2008 | 12:24 pm

    Ahhh… one of the Master[bators] of the Universe weighs in with some apt financial commentary.