Save These Hot Boobs from Cancer

by Kaiser Edamame

On my way to work on Friday, I got off the subway and was approached by a hot chick wearing a pink ribbon. She claimed to be collecting money for “the fight against breast cancer.” It was the first time such a pretty girl had said the word “breast” to me and the gears inside of my mind started turning.

Tim Harford’s Undercover Economist column on Charity expanded the idea for me further:

In fact, the closer you look at charitable giving, the less charitable it appears to be. A recent experiment by John List, an economist at the University of Chicago, showed that donations are less than magnanimous after all. Using controlled trials to compare different methods of door-to-door fund-raising, professor List’s team discovered that it was much more important … to make sure that the fund-raisers were attractive white girls rather than a dowdier assortment of males and females representing all shapes, races, and sizes. This dramatically increased the average contribution, because many more men decided to give money.

This led me to realize these two things:

  • Breast cancer is a serious issue and warrants significant funding
  • The best people in the world at getting/raising/borrowing/stealing money are smoking hot chicks.

No.1 College Bball recruit Greg Oden is pictured being convinced of the importance of fighting breast cancer Why not combine the indisputable nature of these two truths into a money tree for a good cause? My campaign is called “Save These Hot Boobs from Cancer” and it involves beautiful women with big hearts and bigger breasts appealing to the love all guys have for a great pair of tatas. Let’s pretend you’re walking on the street and a well-endowed blonde with a big smile says to you: “Statistically speaking my perky boobs have a 35% chance of being ruined by a malignant tumor, would you please contribute to the fight against breast cancer?” If you don’t give money to that girl then you probably don’t have a conscience.

Chartible organizations need to penetrate the industry leaders in solicitation — beautiful women. A first mover will have an enormous market opportunity.

Let’s do a little math:

  • Incoming earning males in the western world = 1 Bn
  • Percent of income earning males who would give money to a babe for a good cause = 100%
  • Average donation per income earning male when approached by a “Save these hot boobs from cancer” representative = $20
  • Fund raising potential = (1 Bn) x (100%) x ($20) x (% of incoming males approached).

If we can reach even 50% penetration we can raise over $10bn to fund research on hot boobs cancer. As noted above, these estimates are empirically proven using math and advanced probability techniques. With so much money thrown at the problem, the only remaining issue is what all these hot chicks are going to do a year from now when we announce we’ve found a cure.

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