Johnny Debacle’s Debacle Plan for California

by Johnny Debacle

California is the home of honey and milk, but soon to be the home of fiscal crisis. Oh but it’s so beautiful there, and progressive, and they are forward thinkers, and green too, and don’t forget multicultural and don’t forget they hate the gays! Who doesn’t love California! All things to all people. Well, it’s a good thing you people love it because the rest of the country is going to have to bail it out.

Fact: There are a million crazy reasons why California’s budget is high, including pension spiking and paying firefighters 4x the avg income of a resident. If firefighters are some of the highest paid people in your county or state, with salaries well into low-six figures, great benefits and true pensions that allow you to retire at 50 and receive salaries (in perpetuity) above what they made in the 4 yrs they actually worked…well, then your your state had better be on fire or beset by fire-breathing dragons like in Reign of Fire because that’s the only way to justify that level of compensation.

Fact: Calpers is apparently not good at investing money. Especially in Real Estate. Maybe I am being too harsh, but losing 103% of equity is sub-Madoff. When you factor in the advantageous tax-loopholes of being defrauded rather than your investments crappily managed, Calpers’ RE performance is worse than Madoff.

Fact: The state is run by a man whose most favorites words are “I’ll be back”, which, not coincidentally, is what people say most often when they deliberately plan to skip out on a bill, and never be back.

A fiscal crisis looms in California and the most likely broadly palatable fix is some sort of bailout of CA by all the non-CA states. To that, I say we should learn to change our palette and develop an acquired taste for more extreme solutions.

Solution: My solution is simple. Johnny Debacle’s Debacle Plan for California. America should make California an off-balance sheet liability. And by off-balance sheet, I mean we should sever California from the continent. You love your state? You can have it. CA seems to have a thing for earthquakes, so that is the most direct solution but I am open to any Debacle that can cut California off from the continental US.

Crust penetrating alien space lasers? Beam away, Xenu.
Subterranean magmatic discharges? Here you guys come.
Poseidon’s rage creating a water torrent that snakes around CA’s land borders? I’m sure they did something to piss you off, like calling you Neptune.

The United States should help put back California where it belongs. Floating alone in the ocean.

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