Spitzer in a Ring of Pictures

by Johnny Debacle

Good afternoon.

As some of you may know, I’m Eliot Spitzer, and I’m a big deal in this city, the fine city of New York. I’m also a big deal in the state that bears the same name. Let me first state that I will not address whether the smirk on my face is or is not, depending on what the definition of “is” is”, related to anything going on below your viewline at the podium.

As you can see from my hand gesture, I was involved in a prostitution ring. No this is not how I actually got “involved with” the prostitution ring nor how I held my…gavel.

Regardless of whether I was merely a participant, the ring-leader or a prostitute, I hope that you, the public, will not let this stand in the way of my role of making New York the best state in the union. I hope to assuage any fears or concerns as to my involvement by giving you the facts of the matter.

Let’s get to it.

This is how big I was…to the prostitution ring. Yes I was closing down other prostitution rings while frequenting this prostituion ring, but I assure you this is normal for attorney generals. It’s standard operating procedure.

This woman was in the ring. Julia’s a university student who the Emperor Club rated as “three diamonds” out of “six diamonds.” Great girl.

This woman was not in the ring.

This woman was definitely not in the ring. I fuckin’ swear it.

For a fee, they’d let you touch it.

For a larger fee, they’d let you juggle it. Sometimes a motor-boat would be included gratis.

This was one of my favorite positions. As you can see, you have a lot of control and a full view of the landscape. Sometimes I’d lay a little slap on either side, firm but fair, just to let them know who the law was. This cost $5,500 per hour.

Uhh, so uhh as you can, uhh no big deal, uhh right, hahahah…ha…ha?

My wife is staring at me, isn’t she. Who brought HER here?


(Eliot, you must think of a plan to save your job)

If children still endorse me, sweet adorable innocent children, then I clearly cannot be so bad. Clearly.

You told me that would work. Asshole.


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