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How to End It

So your fund is down double-digits, the first number is a 1 if you’re lucky, and you are one more -3% day away from getting a margin call from your friendly brokerage house which has it’s own balance sheet disaster because of its in-house, levered long ‘hedge’ fund. You’re starting to think it’s just not worth it anymore and that the easiest, quickest way out is just to end it.  Put yourself out of this misery and give your wife/kids/fellow mini-ballers the insurance check they deserve. But you have to ask yourself: Do you really want to go out the easy, painless way? You’ve lived your whole life as a flashy, jet-set, new money rock star and you should go out with similar flair. Our top ideas for how to end it with a flourish that says “I was here and I got IT done”:

  1. Tie a Bloomberg screen to your chest and fight a bull ’til the death. If the markets get worse it’ll see red and you’re toast; if we bounce then you’re saved and you could say you fought a bull with nothing but a Bloomberg terminal and won. HUZZAH! Plus there’s symbolism if you die by bull, I’m not sure what it symbolizes but it’s highly symbolic.
  2. Chain yourself and a woodpecker to your desk. Train the woodpecker to peck the sh-t out of you every time he hears the words “we’re selling off” from your trader. This is advantageous because woodpeckers can’t be prosecuted for murder in most states (IANAL).
  3. Put a gun in the ear piece of your phone. Then do an update call with a highly cyclical company that has consumer exposure and oil as a big cost (like I don’t know, an airline) and every time the retard IR guy tells you “we haven’t seen any weakening in demand yet” shoot yourself in the head. Extra points if you figure out how to get the gun connected to your wireless earpiece via Bluetooth.
  4. Make a list of all the shorts you pitched in the last year. For every one that is down more than 20% from where you pitched it pull out one hair (if you are bald – go pubic). When you run out of hair scream and jump out your window.
  5. Tell your mom if she calls you one more time and says “every time I read about the markets going down I think of you, are you doing ok?” that you are going to put an ice pick through your eye. Then buy an ice pick and wait for her to call you.
  6. Apply online for an associate job at an investment bank. Believe it or not this will kill you, guaranteed.
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