Baby Carriage Exposé Part 5: Baby Make Me Rich

by Johnny Debacle

Our squid call was right on the money, which is also from where we write this piece: a big pile of money. Winnings from our bet are in such abundance that we find it more efficient to make our chairs and furniture and everything else that makes contact with our ass out of money. But we cashed in for a reason. And that reason is 18 inches long and dumb as a brick — the baby.

Babies aggressively stockpiled weaponry patiently for centuries, waiting for a catalyst that would allow them a point of entry into the world domination game. They are students of history, terribly stupid students who cannot read and lack college degrees, but students nonetheless. They know that this happened before with the Kangaroo, and later with the Indian. And we think that the disruption that will ensue in conjunction with cephalopod ascendancy will be a perfect opportunity for babies to begin consolidating their gains and begin formulating their end game. Our models indicate that in 35-55 years babies will rule the world.

Recommendation: Investing your money in attempts to resist babies is money ill-spent. Just as with cephalopods, we recommend adopting a healthy fatalism — this *IS* going to happen. Let that fact wash over you like a cold shower, wake up to reality, step back, and think how you can profit from this coming calamity.

It’s important to first take steps to ensure that babies do not wickedly crush you under their baby heels. Befriend babies. Nurture them. Learn to speak their language. If you are a politician, you can even kiss a baby. Ingratiating yourselves to them is a strong move.

Second, ask yourselves, “What would Goldman Sachs do?” and then do that. In size.

Lastly, we recommend going long anything that babies will demand. Education, braces, Dora the Explorer, unfortunate hairstyles and fashion trends, and the desire to make more babies.

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  1. July 24th, 2009 | 3:08 pm

    Sound like a financial “advisor”: There’s only gonna be MORE and MORE babies, go long everything babies-linked blah blah… Of course this is a gross oversimplification, as everyone knows that certain baby-linked securities will suffer in value in the coming 35-55 years.

    Among them:

    Prophylactics (pretty self-evident there)

    Fun (any)