Never Trust an OFF

by Johnny Debacle

While remunerative powers of OO are still evident, and if you doubt that fact, google it, confirm it and then realize how wrong you had been. But are there risks or rewards associated with other letter combinations? We don’t want to produce a knock-off of our original analysis, but the answer is a definitive yes.

In December, Bernie Madoff turned himself in for building the largest pyramid scheme in history. In April, Phil Markoff is alleged to have used Craigslist to sell an old couch (pickup only), as well as killing and robbing sensual masseuses. And yesterday, it came out that one Madlyn Primoff made her kids get out of the car and drove off to “teach them a lesson.” What could have tipped off their respective victims? Maybe that these people literally spell out in their very names that they harbor intentions to OFF something.

Going back in history, you see that Nicholas II, last of the Romanov Dynasty (pronounced Roman-OFF), was responsible for destroying Tsarist Russia and his own family. Was it the success of communism, Nicholas’s weak ineffectual ruling hand over an oppressive state full of impoverished peasants, or merely his name that led to all this ruin? While his difficulties offing Rasputin (but note, Rasputin ultimately was killed, a point to OFF’s favor) suggest the former two options, everything else suggests that his fatalism emerged from his name and into fruition.

In Star Trek, Pavel Chekov (pronounced Chek-OFF) is mostly considered a benign incidental person. Like Earth, he is mostly harmless. But in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, his surname’s ending worms its way into the picture:

By the events of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Chekov has been promoted to commander and executive officer aboard the USS Reliant. In that film, Khan Noonien Singh uses a creature that wraps itself around Chekov’s cerebral cortex to control him and his captain. Chekov overcomes the creature’s mind control and serves as Enterprise tactical officer in the film’s climactic battle against Khan.

Chekov almost gets Kirk and the Enterprise killed as the worm creature reveals his inner “OFF.” Ultimately, Chekov’s switching sides back to the good guys results in the demise of Khan. A lesson that the power OFF is fickle and uncontrollable, not unlike a 2nd year Med Student at a 3rd rate school.

The bug spray OFF is feared by mosquitoes and ticks alike and it’s not because of the chemical formulation that leads them to paralysis and death. I speak gnat, I’ve heard them tell tales of the terror that lurks inside their thoraxes. Aficionados and hobbyists all know how jerking off leads to diminution in vision. Your office is where all your dreams have gone to die. And while putting is perfectly fine, offputting is quite awful.

Recommendation: This analysis has far reaching implications, but you would not be far off in noting how hard it is to invest by. Suffice to say, be wary of any offer. Short Office Depot (NYSE: ODP) and W&T Offshore (NYSE: WTI).

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  1. Matt Albers
    April 23rd, 2009 | 10:58 am

    You forget, however, that arguably the most dominant line in the history of hockey was made entirely from “offs”. The Great Russian 5 of the Detroit Red Wings in 1997. Federov, Kozlov, Larionov, Fetisov, and Konstantinov. Other than these outliers, I think your analysis is spot-on.

  2. Pleb
    April 24th, 2009 | 9:51 am

    Only a bunch of friggin’ homophones would sit around thinking about how to Chekov.