The Kid Napping Service

by Johnny Debacle

You give us the babies, we'll apply the care.  And the shackles.Long or Short Capital is a great place to work and was recently voted the number 45,861st best place to work online.* Prospective employees should know that the fringe benefits here are tremendous. Take the daycare that’s available. If you are a a single father or a working mother, you know how few firms offer daycare. For the firms that do, you know how low the quality is. For the firms that don’t, you know that even a second job wouldn’t cover the $3,000 it costs per month. But at Long or Short Capital, the quality is high and the cost is free. How do we do it?

Firm X sees daycare as a cost center, something to be minimized. Long or Short Capital’s daycare segment, called the The Kid Napping Service, sees daycare as a profit center and we do what we can to push volume through it. Our kids are fully engaged, learning and working at levels well beyond their years, while also receiving much needed “naps” of at least 4 hours per day. Our parents benefit from knowing that their kids will be out of their hair for the entire work day and frequently longer.** Now, we can’t get into the complicated details of how our service works as we take protecting our trade secrets seriously, but suffice to say it involves shackles, sheiks, and boats.

All our employees, from our counsel to our cleaning staff, have benefited from increased productivity due to The Kid Napping service we offer. So, if you have kids and want the pride of being a parent without the burdensome time of actually raising your kid, consider working for Long or Short Capital. We don’t even have to pay you and you don’t even have to actually work here. Just sign our employment contract*** and give us your kid, we’ll handle the rest. Thank you.

* Subcategory of fictional online business/accounting/investment advisory firms.
** Result may vary; absences range from 12 hours to forever.
*** Our standard employment contract contains several disclaimers and releases. Don’t worry and certainly don’t waste your time reading them as they are customary for this type of contract.

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  1. May 10th, 2009 | 10:56 pm

    Unfortunately, Southeast Asia is already the epicenter of Kid Napping services, how do you intend on colluding competing?

  2. Pleb
    May 11th, 2009 | 12:14 pm

    Way back in law school, a friend of mine came back from interviewing at a Wall Street firm. He was super-impressed by the bigtime corporate chef, the on-site daycare, and the hotel spaces (literally) maintained on-premises by the firm. He thought it was sweet. Only one response was possible.

    “You stupid fucker! They have beds and daycare there because they expect you to live at your job. Forever! Or at least ’til you fail to make partner and get thrown out on your ass.”

    He looked at me like people must have looked at Charleton Heston’s character when he ran along screaming “Soylent Green is peeeeeee-pulllll.”

    I think he’s now divorced and runs a bed and breakfast in Vermont with another former associate / life partner.