Hungry Hungry Americans

by Johnny Debacle

In this troubling article, Struggling in Ohio as the Economy Tightens, the tightening of the America economy is played against a background of the tightening of the belt of many poor Americans (not us, we are very rich). This picture and caption were included.

I do not think that means what you think it means

Angelica Hernandez (left) and her mother, Gloria Nunez, struggle to make ends meet on a very limited budget.

Althought not discussed in the article above, formerly the bare minimum daily diet of an America in the USA was some combination of this (or regional or seasonal substitutes):

  • 30 shrimp
  • 1 extra-large meat lover’s pizza
  • 25 cool ranch fun-size Dorito packages
  • 1 Mountain Dew Slurpee
  • 1 Cherry Slurpee
  • Porterhouse for Two from Ruth’s Chris
  • 75 eggs
  • 1 lettuce plant
  • 1 lb of candy corn
  • Cheetos (a quantity sufficient to stain your tongue and fingers orange permanently)
  • 3lbs of lobster
  • 1 diet coke

This allowed America to be healthy, productive and as happy as the Danes. But not anymore. With the recent surge in food prices, many poor Americans are being forced to the face the nightmare of only being able to survive on a diet consisting of such things as

  • Rocks
  • Polonium
  • The Stuff from the movie The Stuff
  • Toxic Chemicals
  • Other poor Americans

Recommendation: Of these the last is looking to be the most delicious. Two birds can be killed with one stone were poor Americans to eat one another and if you do the math between the cost of food and the quantity of calories needed to sustain poor Americans, it seems inevitable. This shift in consumption would have a deflationary effect on food prices, effectively eliminating the marginal pressure that poor Americans place on demand, because these poor Americans will already have eaten or been eaten (as it should be in nature). In our analysis, this would lead to a simultaneous gap up in the prices people pay for poor Americans, especially when the market fully factors in how fatty, tender and delicious this meat is.

The play here is to start buying distressed poor American assets and forming farms, ranches or even islands dedicating to housing them and fattening them on low cost / calorie inputs like McDonald’s (NYSE: MCD) dollar menu and corn syrup IVs. Long poor Americans.

HT to Amanda

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