Update on Long or Short Capital’s Liquidity

by Mr Juggles

I don't want to carp on it but this alt tag's pun is weakAs some of you may know, there is currently a financial crisis and the world is in the midst of what some heady shops are calling “The Great Regression.” Stalwart banks have been pushed to the brink of solvency and have been coerced by the Treasury into accepting money from TARP. Long or Short Capital, despite record profits and record operating cash flow, is suffering similarly. Last year, we were able to secure a Fed backstop for all our humor liquidity needs from “The Window” Window. However, we never got the same backstop for our “liquidity” liquidity due to the fact that our preliminary TARP approval was subsequently rescinded, unbeknownst to our highly compensated counsel. Recently, due to the macroeconomic headwinds, capital market disruption and (mostly) embezzlement of firm moneys by an unnamed employee (Johnny Debacle), Long or Short Capital was facing a severe liquidity crunch which made it impossible for us to engage in our side business of online reckless real estate speculation.

Facing a funding shortfall, Long or Short Capital re-applied for TARP funds to meet our short term liquidity needs. We were summarily rejected by one Timothy Geithner for being “Either way too insolvent or way too solvent, it’s impossible for us to know, don’t tell anyone, thanks dude.”

We were able to find an alternate funding program, the little used CARP, and we subsequently applied for relief under it. We were accepted into the program, but there was a catch. Instead of giving us cash, they gave us fish, specifically carp. Apparently, and this was unbeknownst to us at the time despite extensive due diligence and despite the retention of our aforementioned highly compensated counsel, CARP stands for “Crappy Asset Relief Poissons“. Paraphrasing something my corporate father told me when I was a corporate small child: “When the world gives you carp, it’s incumbent upon you to make carp juice and then to sell that carp juice to people who are incrementally less sophisticated and who have a track record of paying too much for carp juice.” And that is precisely what Long or Short Capital intends to do.

We are diligently working to renegotiate all our contracts over to a carp basis rather than their current USD basis. Upon the successful renegotiation of these contracts, and with continued support from CARP, we think our liquidity will be sufficient and our solvency situation will correct itself. Provided no one marks that shit to market. We appreciate the patient support of all our stakeholders in these challenging times.

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  1. Pleb
    May 6th, 2009 | 8:33 am

    Recommend: strong buy on Tic-Tacs and Listerine.

  2. american bandersnatch
    May 6th, 2009 | 12:05 pm

    You should have applied to the Irish liquidity relief program, HARP. It is far more palatable.

  3. Bean Counter
    May 6th, 2009 | 3:14 pm

    Auditor note: don’t worry about the mark-to-market implications of the CARP program. According to SAAP “market” is defined as ‘whatever the hell we say it is” so this may be an opportunity to either make record profits or, alternatively, take record losses to inspire a buyout/bailout.

    There should be a client/auditor meeting to discuss this, preferably somewhere warm and sunny, like the Caymans. Your legal counsel may attend this meeting should you desire.

  4. May 6th, 2009 | 4:41 pm

    Sounds like someone has a date with Mr. Frank’s committee, and multiple copies of the evening news!

  5. Pleb
    May 6th, 2009 | 5:43 pm

    Rumors to the effect that I was embezzling L&SC funds in escrow as a retainer for my services are completely unfounded, regardless of what those hookers said.

  6. Hans Moleman
    May 6th, 2009 | 7:06 pm

    So … LoSC sleeps with the fishes?

  7. May 7th, 2009 | 1:12 am

    What do you need loans/free cash for if you are making tons of money? I’m reading over this stuff and am a bit confused, “side business is online reckless real estate speculations”, I’m thinking wait a minute I do crazy stuff like that.

    Are you serious? How can I acquire some liquidity for my own trading account?

  8. Pleb
    May 7th, 2009 | 10:40 am

    >>>How can I acquire some liquidity for my own trading account?

    Eat an extra cheeseburger at lunch for 3 months, and then march your 48″ waist to Tim Geithner’s office and tell him you’re way too big to fail. That should do the trick.

  9. May 8th, 2009 | 9:44 am

    95% of Disneyworld attendees would be eligible based on that criteria.