How to be a Mini-Baller

by Kaiser Edamame

Some of you may have heard that working at a hedge fund you can make “a lot of money”. Well it’s true. Now some of you might be saying to yourself: “Wow, how am I going to get a job at a hedge fund so I can make all that money?” which is a good question. But, there are a few of you who are more foresighted that are saying “Wow, how am I going to SPEND all that money?” And that’s really the more important question, because let me tell you, it’s not easy.

The first step you need to take to make sure you’re good at spending money is to properly categorize yourself, I believe there are two socio-economic groups which are important here: “Ballers” and “Mini-Ballers”.

How to know if you’re a baller:

1. You don’t have a savings account, just a HUGE checking account
2. You make use of private air travel
3. You have outrageously expensive clothes, all of which were given to you for free
4. You’re dating a smoking hot babe
5. You’ve never heard of a mini-baller

How to know if you’re a mini-baller:

1. You choose to live paycheck to paycheck even though you have a six figure salary. You have a 1% money market savings account with a few thousand dollars, meanwhile you overdraft your checking account on a regular basis.
2. You buy your flights on expedia but you don’t like to, you use miles to upgrade to economy plus, you buy vodka tonics on the plane
3. You have outrageously expensive clothes, all of which you paid for and most of which you buy because you saw a mini-baller the previous night who was wearing that outfit and “getting it done”
4. You say “get it done” all the time. You’re not sure what this means, but you know its important, and when you say it . . . you mean it.
5. You aren’t dating a smoking hot babe but you want to, so on saturday nights you call your mediocre looking girl friends and ask them to help you get into Marquee hoping you can meet a hot babe there. You look at the liquor list and almost order Absolut, then you remember you’re here to get it done and so you pony up for the Goose. You always hit on the waitress and you always tip her over and above her 20% grat, then usually you go home with one of your mediocre friends. You like it, but you tell other mini-ballers that you regret it.
6. You refer to yourself as a mini-baller, you tell other dudes that you’re a mini-baller and suggest to them they start calling themself a mini-baller too.

As you can see, once you’ve established that you’re a mini-baller it’s important that you make some mini-baller friends. Then if you’re ever hesitating with a big purchase, you can count on one of them to lean over and tell you “dude, it would be so mini-baller if you got that done, chicks love that sh-t, get it done buddy”. And you’re off to the races . . .

Next week: How to Live The Jet Set Lifestyle.

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  1. L-Heezy
    September 15th, 2006 | 2:14 pm

    as a mini-baller, i must say that if a baller ever stepped on my toes by accident, he would need to make use of VERY special air travel

    would his hot smoking babe make him a nice sandwich – no! would she drink and smoke with him, sadly no – she would want to shop…

    so the baller is a douche, while i keep it real –

    and i never say “get it done” – i say “get out of my way”

  2. baller on a budget
    May 1st, 2007 | 5:47 pm

    mini-baller is better put as “baller on a budget”

  3. theGeneral
    November 1st, 2011 | 9:32 am

    Still probably one of the best analyses on LoS…

  4. June 25th, 2012 | 9:24 am

    Awesome analysis of an important existential question… Question is, how much of a mini roller would Pat Bateman be in American Psycho ?

  5. June 25th, 2012 | 9:25 am

    .. surely the mini baller