All Your Crash is Belong to US

by Johnny Debacle

Dear RoW,

Hey there, bro. We see that you have been having a pretty difficult time of late over there in your unspecified foreign countries. We feel your pain.

But bro, we don’t feel bad about your pain. See all these years, you have been telling US how better you are than US. How you are more fair. How you have universal medicine, or don’t believe in playing spin the bottle with the Middle East and being forced to spend 7 years in heaven with Iraq in the closet, or aren’t populated with rednecks, or graduate more science PhDs or whatever. How you are cultured and not obese. How you were smarter than US, how your way was way better. Well amigo, what is the haps now?

Yeah the US has been going down. Shit’s true, can’t deny that. We have had our financial foibles, our credit crises and real estate bubbles. Our stock market has been getting crushed and many of our leading firms no longer even exist. But you, you RoW, your stock markets have been getting even MORE crushed. Your banks are in even MORE precarious positions than ours. Your culture and economy and currency and utopian ideals are all showing cracks and are ready to break. You don’t know what to do and to be honest bro, you’re probably screwed.

And this is by design. Our forefathers claimed America by giving those Indian bros pox infested blankets. And we are claiming the RoW by doling out our MBS, our structured products, our overpriced assets and a little friend called contagion. FYI pox be in all that crap.

When the US wins, we win. When the US loses, we still win relative to the RoW, taking you down more than US. This is why we are the hegemon, bro.


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  1. JL
    October 24th, 2008 | 9:29 am


  2. RoW
    October 24th, 2008 | 9:31 am

    Okay, fine, sure, whatever.

    In spite of relying on you for our economic well being, along with our defense and technology needs, we still have free healthcare. Along with that we a sense of superiority and moral preening born of the smug assurances of our age – a belief system that is far more impregnable and immune from self-doubt than your constant puny self-criticism, re-inventing, and re-imagining. So we still know we’re far better than you in every sense, no matter what happens. Plus our health care is totally free.

    So we got that going for us. Which is nice.


    Ps. Any chance we can get some of that bailout money? Y’know… on the down low? This free healthcare costs a shitload of money, you know.

  3. October 24th, 2008 | 9:35 am

    Deutsche Bank is ok. Do not look behind the curtain. The EU or Germany should have no problem handling that ticking timebomb.

  4. Dsylexic
    October 24th, 2008 | 9:53 am

    Blankets for the indians?. I get it..thats Pox Americana

  5. October 24th, 2008 | 10:02 am

    Very nice, bro. Very nice.

  6. Vindicated Credit Analyst
    October 24th, 2008 | 10:24 am

    I am counting on you fat people from the north to bail everybody out so my bonus do not get cut.

    Long live the American Empire!

  7. Servant of Squiddy
    October 24th, 2008 | 10:44 am

    Fat people from the north are more likely to eat you than bail you out

  8. Hans Moleman
    October 24th, 2008 | 11:23 am

    Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled crashes. Earnings to be squeezed.

  9. MacroGod
    October 24th, 2008 | 2:35 pm

    Let us not forget, we sit on a royal chair for now. But the ROW is the chair’s legs.

  10. Head Bee Guy
    October 24th, 2008 | 2:44 pm

    Please…it’s “brah”, not “bro”.

  11. Yanos
    October 24th, 2008 | 3:02 pm

    Dear RoW,

    We still have the money and we kick all kinds of ass. So if you want a fresh beating please come on ovea’. We gladly dole out ass beatings just for looking at us the wrong way and would be more than happy to oblige you.

    Ass kicking US

  12. AKAL
    October 25th, 2008 | 3:28 am

    I am glad to hear all the talk about the US not exporting anything anymore is false. We can export the shit out of MBS to all the smug parts of the RoW, pox on.

  13. nullpointer
    October 25th, 2008 | 10:04 am

    thats fucked up brah………..

    cuz its true.

  14. P Brooks
    October 25th, 2008 | 11:41 am

    Once price discovery has been attained (that is, once the Hammer has successfully constructed a false floor beneath those “assets” which have bedeviled us recently), our great good friends in RoW-land will be happy to return them to us, in order that they may be profitably recycled. All will be well. I have it on good authority.

  15. RoW II
    October 25th, 2008 | 5:58 pm

    Not so fast US (or shall I say stupid gun-toting bible thumping US). Your elites (the ones you will be slaves to in a couple of weeks’ time) already accept us – the RoW as THE model to emulate.

    So keep puffing on that feeling while you can. Your new overlords consider us to be their ideological overlord. You are joining us very soon bro. You escaped from our continent but did you really think that you would escape us? Really? We were onto you all along – setting up those elitist coastal enclaves and now the revenge shall be ours.


  16. Sully
    October 25th, 2008 | 6:06 pm

    Recommendation: Short free healthcare, bro.

  17. The Dryer
    October 27th, 2008 | 9:03 am

    Short “Brah”. Also “Broham” – both are pre-crisis lexicon. “Bro” seems to be holding value.

  18. Strattie
    October 27th, 2008 | 9:53 am

    My god I need more euphoric tail before I can contribute to this conversation anything more then a yawn.

  19. HF
    October 27th, 2008 | 11:16 am

    “You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”
    -James Collins outlining the “Stockdale Paradox”

    I think this says it all… It is Ok to have faith that US is the best country in thw world and all that crap… but please… without RoW where would you be… No Italy, No Colombo, No China no Iphone… and so on…

    “This long run is a misleading guide to current affairs. In the long run we are all dead. Economists set themselves too easy, too useless a task if in tempestuous seasons they can only tell us that when the storm is past the ocean is flat again.” JM Keynes

  20. October 27th, 2008 | 7:29 pm

    <a href=”–_aY70″<Someone set us up the bomb!?

  21. October 27th, 2008 | 7:38 pm


    ya’ll get the point

  22. THE US
    October 28th, 2008 | 1:28 pm

    Dear RoW II,

    You are right apparently the US is doing everything wrong and the RoW apparently has it right(sarcasm). Thats why it only takes the entire EU to compete with the US for production. Or why in all your liberal open mindedness you complain about Christians. Haha, so arrogant you don’t see your own hypocrisy. But hey you sit over there and whine all you want. We kick your asses in everything, so you are like the whiney fat kid complaining he cannot win at something. In short you cannot do anything without us! Winners make the rules and losers (like yourself) cry about them. Keep looking for our downfall while we laugh at you. Good luck and blow it out your ass.

    The US

  23. Row II
    October 29th, 2008 | 11:48 am

    The US,

    Dude, you dont get it. All that production and stuff is your past bro. History. Gone.

    Now when your government owns most firms, pushes universal healthcare, redistributes income, controls wages in private sector, unionizes everything yada yada – do you really think that you will be able to hold a candle to us?

    That is how WE do things bro. You cannot beat us at our game!

    Welcome to back our world btw. It took you 300 longs years but finally you are back to the roots. Why else do you think does your new overlord have 99% approval out here? You see him in Berlin? You still dont get it, do you? YOU ARE DONE, BRO.

    Silly you.

    – ROW II

  24. US
    October 29th, 2008 | 12:50 pm

    The government just injected 250B into the capital markets do you have any idea of the market cap of the NASDAQ and NYSE? NYSE alone is 25 trillion. Obviously not because 250Bil is chump change. The government here has little impact on private sector wages. And most jobs are not unionized…But hey nice try maybe if you keep repeating that bullshit it will become true. haha. Production isnt history those are current stats. The EU is 27 countries and takes all of you idiots to keep up with us! haha keep talking…We cant hear you all the way down there! hahaha. Nice try, now go make me some ‘kraut you kraut

    — Flag of World World 54,584,918
    — European Union 16,905,620
    1 United States 13,807,550
    2 Japan 4,381,576
    3 Germany 3,320,913
    4 China (PRC) 3,280,224
    5 United Kingdom 2,804,437
    6 France 2,593,779
    7 Italy 2,104,666
    8 Spain 1,439,983
    9 Canada 1,436,086
    10 Brazil 1,313,590

    World Bank
    — Flag of World World 54,347,038
    1 United States 13,811,200
    — Eurozone 12,179,250a
    2 Japan 4,376,705
    3 Germany 3,297,233
    4 China (PRC) 3,280,053
    5 United Kingdom 2,727,806
    6 France 2,562,288b
    7 Italy 2,107,481
    8 Spain 1,429,226
    9 Canada 1,326,376
    10 Brazil 1,314,170

  25. HF
    October 31st, 2008 | 6:15 am

    Dear US, as I said before I couldn’t care less about your bragging rights… as long as you keep the markets moving…

    But you forgot to mention the USA GDP (PPP) which is $13.78 TR and the EU one, $14.43 TR. The source is your dearly beloved CIA… to be honest I think Mossad and MI6 are still the best, but as I said before, I couldnt care less…

  26. US
    October 31st, 2008 | 11:07 am

    That is exactly my point! IT TAKES 27 COUNTRIES TO EQUAL OUR ONE. Can you read? Are you stupid? If you couldnt care less why are you posting? Go take a couple of finance or economics classes you fucking retard. We own you! and we dick slap you and your governments around whenever we please. haha. Next time you are going to argue about something that ‘you dont care about’ at least get your facts straight.

  27. HF
    October 31st, 2008 | 12:29 pm

    If only your education was has good as ours you wouldn’t insult just because your nervous…

    Don’t forget that your country is larger that our 27…

    And I can also tell you than nobody owns me, but I could probably buy a couple of your companies… So the next time I travel in my falcon to the country you live in I will smile and think of your words…

    Also, in the mean time please google ad hominem, and learn why you should go back to school and learn how to make your point.

    Also, your just contributing to the existing prejudice against americans that they are just as extremists as the extremists they fight with. I don’t really belive in it so please think before you write…

  28. US
    October 31st, 2008 | 3:29 pm

    The US is 200 million people smaller then the 27 nation European Union. So again could you please fact check before you spew bullshit. Also the PPP per captia of the US is around 47k and the EU is 33k. Make an intelligent comment or a factual one and I wont have to attack you. When you are a liar the logical course is to call you one. So dont cry ad hominem. I dont think you have quoted an actual FACT besides the GDP (PPP).

    If you could kindly let me know what was so extremist? Was it those pesky “fact” that I brought up? Im not advocating eliminating anyone off the face of the earth. Just saying we could. Outside of the 2 current pointless wars most of the ‘dickslapping’ we doing is diplomatic. But believe what ever you want as you are flying around in your ‘falcon.’

    Us Americans arent concerned with what Eurodouche like you think of US. You will always think you are better and will figure out a way to convince yourselves of that. Ive met many cool europeans but people like you give you guys a bad name. GREAT IDEA. Why dont you guys form a new country you and the rest of the Eurodouchbaggery can move there and we will send you our douchebags and GWB.

    PS. This whole thing is filled with alot of sarcasm.

  29. HF
    November 1st, 2008 | 7:58 pm

    Dear US

    1 – The opinions I express here are my own, not that of my corporation, not that of my country.

    2 – All my facts are right, they may not be the facts you want or think are more correct, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t true

    3 – I never said that Europe is better than the US, (21 still serves the best burger in the world for example)

    4 – I don’t need to write rude words, nor to insult you to state my opinion, and I am sorry that you have to do so..

  30. US
    November 3rd, 2008 | 11:33 am

    Now when your government owns most firms

    pushes universal healthcare,
    Pushing and implement are very very different things

    redistributes income,
    Highest tax bracket is 35% currently

    controls wages in private sector,

    unionizes everything
    Only place where unions are common is manufacturing

    Some of those are out right false and the others are giant exaggerations of the truth. If something isnt true its false. Saying something that is false is true makes you a liar.

    FYI: Im not saying at hate Europe. Quite the contrary id rather be there than here right now

  31. HF
    November 3rd, 2008 | 1:39 pm

    The comments by ROW or ROWII are not mine, and I don’t review myself on these…

    Nevertheless I am very pleased with your “refreshed writing style”, we are all inteligent people whose ambition is to conquer the world (at profit)so there isn’t really need to insult.

  32. ROW II
    November 4th, 2008 | 12:35 pm

    “Saying something that is false is true makes you a liar.”

    My, my. How DID you come up with such a brilliant thought? I am stunned at you intelligence I must say.

    As far as the rest of your post goes, what can I say. I think you must be one of those flyover-state kinds. Wake up bro. Our secret agents Comrade Pelosi, Comrade Reid anf Comrade Obama are ruling you already. Didn’t you get the memo? Euro style socialism won! And you really think that you can beat Europeans at euro-socialism, do you?

    – ROW II

    Ps. Turn in those guns voluntarily and join the civilian corps before the Civil Rights Youth forcible takes them away and pack you off to Alaska.