Everybody’s Gonna Get Laid Except You
by Johnny Debacle
Fact: Your girlfriend and/or your potential girlfriend and/or your mistress needs flowers to sustain her existence. It’s a mission critical input without which she may perish. So if you can’t source flowers for her, she will go to most proximal male asset who CAN source flowers for her. This would be disastrous for you personally and professionally.
Fact: Flowers are more available now than they will be on Valentine’s Day in 2 weeks.
Fact: Anything can happen to the flower supply in two weeks. If bird flu mutates into a virus capable of flower to flower transmission, who is to say there will be any flowers available on the spot market.
Considering this, we are downgrading any male firm with an unhedged exposure to the flower market to “Less likely to get some” from “Probably getting some“.
Recommendation: Buy your girlfriend / “friend” / mistress / boss / potential girlfriend flowers immediately. It’s our pleasure, being that we are smarter than you, to provide you with the link to the shop above to hedge your flower exposure and prevent personal ruin. Reserve your flowers today. This is in no way a latch ditch effort to juice our 2nd quarter (ending Jan 31) financial results.