Female Piratery or Female Lies?
by Johnny Debacle
CNN is running a story claiming a woman was the greatest pirate of all time. Based on what we know about women and investing, could this be possible?
The article’s claims are incredulistic. They say that Cheng I Sao (allegedly a chick’s name fyi) “controlled a fleet of more than 1,500 ships and upwards of 80,000 sailors” and “expanded the scope of the business, branching out from simple attack-and-pillage jobs to protection schemes, blackmail, and extortion [and] set up an extensive spy network and developed economic ties with farmers who would supply her men with food.”
Some known facts about women:
- They are bad at investing. Otherwise, I’d know more of them professionally, rather than just “professionally.”
- They suck at cutlasses. Have you ever seen a woman successfully dominate someone with a cutlass. It just doesn’t happen.
- They cannot hold their rum. Try this out at home with a female you know, forcing them to take down 1 part rum for every 1 part you take down. The results will surprise and please you.
- They do not have peg legs or eye patches. Again, a quick survey of your female “friends” will show this to be the case
Now we checked the article and it did mention several times “she” but the most logical conclusion is that they misunderstood Chinese (we are fluent in both oral Mandarin and written Cantonese) and confused Cheng I Sao’s gender accordingly.
Consider this clear evidence that Cheng I Sao was a very savvy and very male investor:
Cheng I Sao’s most famous laws applied to the taking of female prisoners. Ugly women were returned to shore, free of charge. Attractive captives were auctioned off to the crew, unless a pirate personally purchased the captive, in which case they were considered married.
Recommendation: We maintain a “Do not buy” rating on piratery, after calling the top perfectly last year. While fundamentals are improving, there is continued risk that a global economic downturn would impact the richness of pillaging shipping lanes and destroy the return on capital invested in piratery machinery and assets.
HT to the no.1 anonymous alleged female alleged private equity blog, Going Private.
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I challenge CNN to produce a Chinese national of any gender who can pronounce the word “Aaaaarr.”
I don’t think CNN is up to that lofty challenge, but I think even more difficult would be for them to produce a Chinese national able to pronounce ‘plank’, ‘cutlass’, ‘plunder’, or any other number of pirate words properly.
How is walking up to a negotiating table with the offer of “universal pirate amnesty” and walking out with 400 of her men punished and 126 killed “a pretty killer deal”??
Are you kidding? That was definitely a “killer deal.”
Arr! Definitely female lies!
“Now we checked the article and it did mention several times “she†but the most logical conclusion is that they misunderstood Chinese (we are fluent in both oral Mandarin and written Cantonese) and confused Cheng I Sao’s gender accordingly.”
Oh, ok. So the truth is that the greatest pirate ever born was a homosexual. (Since this person was indeed married to Change Pao) Thanks for clearing that up.
Stupid women……*rolls eyes*
Must have been a homosexual then, as Cheng I Sao was ‘alegedly’ married to two men during the course of ‘his’ life. ‘He’ was also kidnapped off a floating cantonese brothel by Captain Zheng Yi and only married him on the condition ‘he’ be entitled to 50% of all the captains loot.When the captain died, Cheng I Sao took his place as commander of the fleets. Maybe they were all homosexuals?? Or maybe this sexist article needed a little more research?