File Your Taxes or You Will Die Alone

by Johnny Debacle

Fact: It’s that time of year again. The Ides of March has passed and tax season is engulfing the time space continuum.

Fact: Despite your well-founded reasoning which supports your stance that the federal income tax is unconstitutional, you need to face the facts. The government has more guns than you, so your cache of weapons on your ranch in that remote part of Manhattan will not allow you to avoid paying income taxes on your excessive compensation.

Fact: No woman has ever said “Oh you haven’t filed your taxes yet? I find that so sexy, and now that I know that about you, I would like to show you a special happy time.”

Recommendation: As your friend, and abstract financial advisor, we recommend you file your taxes immediately through this link or you risk dying alone, just like all of our readers who opted NOT to buy their GFs flowers. Things that will probably happen if you do not file your taxes through this link:

  • You will lose all your hair
  • You will die alone and unloved at any point in your life after today
  • You will be impotent, if you are not already
  • You will lose your job and not be able to support your unloving family who hate and resent you for being such a fool
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