Interesting Resumes #1: Shepherd Equity

by Kaiser Edamame

Given Long or Short Capital’s international status, we receive a large number of unsolicited resumes. Most of these are of the standard I-work-at-an-ibank-and-hate-my-life-please-hire-me-so-I-don’t-kill-myself variety. However, we are sometimes contacted by extraordinary talent from obscure walks of life. I feel obliged to share some of these fascinating backgrounds. Most recently, we were approached by a former shepherd, interested in making a career change. He accomplished a lot as you can see from a few quotes taken from his CV.

  • Personally tended to 300 sheep, including over 35 lambs.
  • Shucked over 3,000 bushels of wool and sold 95% of bushels at market.
  • Recruited and trained three sheep canines allowing my supervisor to double the number of sheep I was responsible for
  • Increased wool yield per sheep threefold by augmenting roughage
    portions in standard sheep diet.
  • Created new, multi-colored wool through inventive use of industrial dyes.
  • Located and recovered 13 lost lambs without injury or death.
  • Tended flock for four years without a single case of mad lamb disease and only one sexual harassment allegation (which was later dropped when the accuser was made into stew. Sheep stew.).
  • Doubled revenue per lamb sold at market by implementing an innovative, double-blind dutch auction bidding process.
  • Designed propietary DCF models of middle market farms ($15-60mm EBITDA) which drove external acquisition strategies.
  • Outlined structure for successful comedic undertaking involving lamb milk, your sister and babaganoush.
  • Hobbies include: Mountain climbing, world travel, milking, drinking milk and being milked

Later this month you will get to sample from additional elite applicants to Long or Short Capital, the oldest online financial humor analysis shop.

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  1. New Pirate
    February 22nd, 2006 | 2:57 pm

    Have you noticed that the new site doesn’t have any comments? Where did your audience go?

  2. February 22nd, 2006 | 8:37 pm

    New Pirate’s kinda right, you gotta increase the number of “sellout” days…

    Only at saturdays is not enough.

    And as a last resort, you can always use links to porn sites that don’t exist.

  3. Mr Juggles
    February 23rd, 2006 | 4:51 am

    We have noticed that. We’re not sure where Kevin has gone, maybe he decided he hates us, which is good because we now hate him.

    Comments are pretty fickle in general though, a tough beast to conquer — you need critical mass and a spark to keep it renewable. The best we can really do is offer replies to comments that do come.

    Have you guys seen our other site,

    We have also noticed our ctr % plummeting. Not a single contextual click in the last week. We’re going to end up in the poorhouse. But sellout saturdays will remain an only Saturday kind of thing.

  4. February 23rd, 2006 | 8:09 am

    It seems as if the transition from the old site to the new site just wasn’t totally smooth. Without good redirects it seems like a lot of sites lose their visitor community when they move. Then building an audience has to start all over again.

  5. Mr Juggles
    February 24th, 2006 | 4:15 am

    I have to say ours went pretty smoothly, and I think most of our readers ported over. We never lost subscribers or traffic during the transition and we effectively forced people to come here.

    What could we have done better? We don’t have the technical know how to code a redirect from blogspot, if it’s even possible. Also it’s worth noting that comments slowed down way before our transition. I sound defensive, but I am not. I just would like to know what we could have done better to maximize the transition’s end value.

  6. New Pirate
    February 25th, 2006 | 3:08 pm

    Obviously, you need more coverage of the pirate market – that’s one of few places you seem to have a content monopoly. Also, more Hermes tie coverage.

  7. Mr Juggles
    February 27th, 2006 | 7:45 am

    We also seem to have a pirate convert which is something good to point to.