Japan’s Great Insight

by Mr Juggles

I'm unemployable, uneducated and made of doughSometimes it seems that population experts must spend their entire lives discussing birth rates. “Country X has so many people it is falling apart and they need to all be sterilized. Country Y has so few children that everyone needs to be forced to procreate. This country blah blah blah.”

Now I see that the experts are concerned that “Japan [is] Steadily Becoming a Land Of Few Children.” The theory is that just because the Japanese have basically substituted Pokemon toys for children in their culture and shun immigrants as a culture, they will eventually run into problems when they’re all old farts and don’t have any young ones to care for them.

Isn’t this really a case of cutting the wheat from the chaff? The Japanese have realized that babies are just not that smart, not that educated, not that good at work and cost a lot to maintain. Society suffers all of that just in the hope that these babies will one day take care of the society, an idea of dubious merit given the qualities of your average baby. Why not do away with the baby overclass altogether? This is what the Japanese are planning.

While the idea sounds attractive on the surface, the potential problems of who takes cares of an elderly society remains. Japan has addressed the care giving shortfall by “subsidizing the development of robots as caregivers for the old”. So smart. No one, not even a stupid baby wants to deal with smelly old people and their problems. Japan has also solved the deep-rooted needs of society to feel like parents by means of digital pets (basically the same thing as a baby) and assorted synthetic maternal love simulators. The Japanese have leapfrogged us once again in the area of efficiency.

Recommendation: Long Japanese society. Short procreation. Long Pokemon and care-giving robots.

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  1. Juan
    June 16th, 2008 | 2:51 pm

    attractive on the service? Surface? Confused.

  2. June 16th, 2008 | 3:44 pm

    Juan, the lesson is to never charge a baby with editing your work. Stupid babies.

  3. To The Hilt
    June 16th, 2008 | 4:46 pm

    I like to eat babies.

    Delicious, nutritious, and good for you too.

  4. HAM'05
    June 16th, 2008 | 4:53 pm

    i bet that plump lil fucker already has his cfa. smug bastard.

    also, is there a trick for signing up for updates? i keep getting ‘network errors’

  5. June 16th, 2008 | 5:01 pm

    XML/RSS is working. Is it the email? Seems like something with Feedblitz. We will send out an investigative team to diagnose the problem and correct it.

  6. June 16th, 2008 | 6:20 pm


    Just make sure its not the tween team.

  7. Rich
    June 16th, 2008 | 8:58 pm

    I wonder if the Japanese also have embraced gay marriage? It’s another effective way to drop the birth rate with the added benefit of improved interior design.

  8. bahrain
    June 17th, 2008 | 9:44 am

    That baby looks chinese to me. What’s the deal here?

  9. June 17th, 2008 | 10:59 am

    That will teach them to save 20% of their income and have the most equitable wages in the world. Maybe once we convince them of the advantages of income inequality, children you can’t afford, and growth-for-the-sake-of-growth, then they gan get their standard of living down where it needs to be.

    My kid has not done anything for me in the whole five months, unless you count agreeing to pay the taxes so I can get a big “rebate” check to spend on pork rinds and gasoline.

  10. girl
    June 17th, 2008 | 11:10 am

    Ok but with the projected scarcity of rice and corn, this baby could feed a family of 12 easily. His left arm alone looks like a giant croissant.

    So adorable.

  11. Theoretical
    June 17th, 2008 | 11:52 am

    Isn’t the best way to short procreation is to go long in safe sex? Way, way long.

  12. bahrain
    June 17th, 2008 | 11:56 am

    I demand LoSC answer my charges of baby-photo-swapping. If not, I will be forced to raise this issue at the next Subscriberholder’s meeting.

  13. The Dryer
    June 17th, 2008 | 1:10 pm

    Bahrain – This baby is clearly a Mongolian adopted into a Sumo stable for future domination of the sport.

  14. american bandersnatch
    June 17th, 2008 | 5:54 pm

    You have to be careful that care-giving robots do not become self aware. This is a bad situation, although interesting (I have seen a number of, I think, documentaries on this subject on TNT and FX).

  15. None
    June 18th, 2008 | 3:42 am
  16. MissMaster
    June 18th, 2008 | 9:40 am

    gnom gnom gnom

  17. Digdug
    June 18th, 2008 | 11:41 am

    What’s the carry on short procreation hedge? Do you have to wear a condom?

  18. June 18th, 2008 | 11:57 am

    This baby is neither Chinese nor Japanese. Girl got it right — he is 100% croissant and let me tell you, he is delicious.

  19. Bahrain
    June 18th, 2008 | 1:48 pm

    This baby is definitely chinese.


    If he is a croissant, then he is a chinese croissant and probably a very moist one at that, because as noted by this article “His mother has to breastfeed him at least 20 times a day”

  20. Bill Wilson
    June 19th, 2008 | 8:15 am

    It’s alright, nobody in Japan would be too upset that you can’t tell them apart from the Chinese. I mean, you could have called them Korean after all!

  21. OmegaShogun
    June 20th, 2008 | 4:44 am

    Im gonna have my broker buy me some society default swaps on Japan right now. Good research.