Long Tequila

by Johnny Debacle

The best call you will make tonight will also be the worst call you make tonightI am sick to death of swine flu. It has been putting much more important issues on the backburner, like Bea Arthur’s death, all for a flu that has a well known cure.

Real simple here. Are you infected with swine flu? Drink a shot of Sauza Hornitos. If you don’t think you are cured after one shot, administer successive shots until you are cured. Are you not yet infected with swine flu? Drink a shot of Sauza Hornitos. Not to bog you down with too much science, but it’s important to keep your bacteria condominiums and germ houses as toxic so that any travelling swine flu people don’t want to move into them. Are your hands possibility contaminated with swine flu? Rinse your hands in a light 1800 bath while scrubbing with an exfoliating brillo pad. Are your friends possibly infected? Offer them successive shots of Patron until they are softened up, then light them on fire (only way to sure). You desire to have unprotected relations with a swine? Jose Cuervo combines a swine prophylactic with a forget-me not dose that will ensure that you prevents unwanted memories of undesirable hook-ups. While Jose Cuervo does not strictly endorse this on the bottle and it is not FDA approved for this use (yet), this is well accepted in the greater medical community.

Recommendation: Long tequila, especially as American supplies for flu drugs are drawn down and substitutes are sought. While tequila is a time honored cure for swine flu, we recommend staying far away from Tila Tequila as it may in fact be the SORUCE of swine flu, as well as various other infections.

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  1. 1-2
    April 27th, 2009 | 3:31 pm

    May I recommend Inocente Tequila.

  2. Head
    April 27th, 2009 | 3:48 pm

    Patron FTW

  3. Pleb
    April 28th, 2009 | 8:21 am

    I’m down with the Hornitos. Some Mexican buddies (aka drunks) turned me on to it. Pretty blue collar booze right there but very tasty. Plus it cures swine flu, dropsy and the marthambles.

  4. April 28th, 2009 | 11:34 am

    If Sauza is the cure, then why the high fatality rate in Mexico? Perhaps the locals have been mistakenly drinking blanco instead of 100% blue as required by international law.

    My theory is that agave-based medicine fails without lime and salt. At any rate, it needs more research.

  5. April 30th, 2009 | 1:17 pm

    Long the Dirty Mexican (the, uh, “drink”)