Melissa Moody’s Ratings Alternative

by Melissa Moody

Hey everyone! It’s me, Melissa Moody…not that other Moody’s you have been reading about. Actually that’s why I’m here I’m just so sick and tired of that other Moody! Their ratings stink, and they don’t know nearly as much as I do about debt, it’s true, I’m maxed out on 4 out of 7 credit cards I know I have a problem but I just can’t stop,ha ha. I can do a better job than Moody’s and that is what I’m gonna do! And let’s face it, their old ratings were too complicated. I mean Aa3, Baa1, Caa2, B1 who knows what that means? My ratings will be simple:

  • BFFAE (Best Friends Forever and Ever)
  • BFF
  • BFFLAF (Best Friends For Like Almost Forever)
  • BFFBAS (Best Friends Forever But Also a Slut)
  • BFFBIHH (Best Friends Forever But I Hate Her)
  • Whore

You must be blown away but I am ready to blow you even more than that — let’s get on with it already!

MBIA (NYSE: MBI)

Previous Rating: BFFAE
New Rating: BFFBAS

Ratings Rationale: MBIA used to have a good little thing going. Yeah, like not everyone thought she was totally hot, but everyone was like “Wow she has a good little thing going”, she was funny and nice, and who doesn’t like funny and nice? Not Melissa, I’ll tell you that. And she was a go-to girl anytime a friend was jammed up with boy problems and needed ice cream.

But then she changed, and we all saw it happening. She wanted to be totally hot and started hanging out with guys out of her league. Yeah she looked great, but the diet and the clothes and the whole lifestyle changed her. Rumors started about what she was doing behind the scenes at muni parties and at CDS keggers. She wasn’t nice and funny anymore.

She used to be totally dependable, but now you knew just by looking at her that she wasn’t going to be there when you needed her most. She was all image and the bonds that had been so strong, were now worth so little. That’s why MBIA, I’m so sorry but I had to downgrade you three full notches from Best Friends Forever and Ever to Best Friend Forever But Also a Slut.

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POSTED: 02/14/08 9:30 AM
Comment (20)


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Comments

  1. bfellows
    February 14th, 2008 | 9:32 am

    3 full notches, but close enough for a bond rating agency

  2. Mr Juggles
    February 14th, 2008 | 9:34 am

    We didn’t hire her for her math, if you know what I’m saying. If you didn’t know what I was saying, we hired her for her looks.

  3. ef
    February 14th, 2008 | 10:21 am

    this is perfect. but in interests of total transparency in rating system, please provide pictures of Ms. Moody’s key assets for evaluation by potential investors looking to penetrate this market

  4. Mr Juggles
    February 14th, 2008 | 10:28 am

    Maybe when Dick Fitch comes out and releases his ratings on women…

  5. bfellows
    February 14th, 2008 | 1:29 pm

    can we rate said assets with a ratio utilizing the standard A, B, C, D, DD measures as the numerator and waist size as the denominator? pretty standardized, no? And still easier to understand than Baa1.

  6. corporate lawyer
    February 15th, 2008 | 9:45 am

    I read this site consitently and exclusively while taking my morning poop.

    He called the shit poop!

  7. nm
    February 15th, 2008 | 10:03 am

    @bfellows
    That standardizes everything to #NAME?. How are we supposed to interpret that?

  8. pirate vs squid
    February 15th, 2008 | 10:18 am

    thank god this website still looks the same as it did yesterday

  9. To The Hilt
    February 15th, 2008 | 10:49 am

    seriously.

  10. NeuroAZ
    February 15th, 2008 | 10:58 am

    I can hear Lyle Lanley singing “Monoline…”

  11. mrsiv
    February 15th, 2008 | 11:25 am

    Sounds like Melissa Moody didn’t get very many Valentine’s day cards.

  12. Anal_yst
    February 15th, 2008 | 11:46 am

    Ditto Squid and Hilt, recommendation: short sudden and unexpected change in all of its forms

  13. ejs
    February 15th, 2008 | 12:04 pm

    So to apply Mellisa’s standards for men it would be: “Would you be embarrased to tell your buddies you were dating (long) the company?” I wouldn’t want to be caught dead with a skank like MBI.

  14. Mr Juggles
    February 15th, 2008 | 12:28 pm

    I don’t follow comments 8,9,11,12, email me, if you like.

  15. To The Hilt
    February 15th, 2008 | 1:07 pm

    check out dealbreaker.com

  16. Mr Juggles
    February 15th, 2008 | 1:20 pm

    Ahh. People don’t like that redesign? Seems vanilla

  17. Mr Juggles
    February 15th, 2008 | 1:22 pm

    Strike that. Its main text column is too narrow and the font is too big and not black enough. White background, black text, none of that grey crap.

  18. To The Hilt
    February 15th, 2008 | 1:25 pm

    We fear change.

  19. Arbitrageur
    February 15th, 2008 | 3:53 pm

    “White background, black text, none of that grey crap.”
    Wouldn’t that be the pot calling the kettle grey?
    Not that I don’t like your layout, I do and please never change.

  20. Mr Juggles
    February 16th, 2008 | 6:20 pm

    Our posts are all black text, white BG. That’s where most of the reading is done. Our kettle is in perfect fettle.