Sailing Improvements

by Johnny Debacle

I’ve spent a lot of time recently on a boat. Later on, I was on a dolphin doing flips and shit, but mostly I’ve been on a boat. And all I could think as I idly sailed about was:

“People call this a sport? Raping mother nature’s winds for your own pleasure? Hundreds of feet from your competitors, who like you, are wearing dock shoes, and Nantucket reds and have the complexion of snow. Where is the sport in that? And what is that Somali looking man doing with that RPG?”

Sailing needs something. It needs conflict. It needs physicality. It needs to be more impactful. It needs to feature boarding and grappling hooks.

When Black Beard did the first America’s Cup race back in 17whateverthehell, they didn’t race each other in boats that cost tens of millions dollars, helmed and manned by sons of privilege. They fought each other to death in pilfered pinnaces, helmed and manned solely by maroons and sons of bitches. Race? The only race was to see how long you could survive, and how much whoring and pillaging you’d take down before death.

So obviously things are different. And that’s why sailing needs a sea change, three of them actually.

First things first, the aforementioned grappling and boarding is allowed in all sailing races. Let’s see how many Ted Turners are “courageous” when they face the chance of being gutted from groin to gill by an Australian ex-con named Roggie. As a bonus, this return to its classical roots would make sailing the world’s most popular spectator sport.

Second. All yacht clubs ban popped collars, people with names like Preston, and people rich enough to own a boat. Yacht club membership will remain an exclusive status, but the criteria for admittance will change. Instead of a blue blood test, there will be a red blood test. You have to have killed a man on the sea, justly, to become a full member. Junior membership will be bestowed upon anyone who has won a knife fight or bedded a mermaid.*

Third. Grappling and boarding is also legal at any point on the sea. If you are a “boater” and you love being on the ocean, then you better be able to handle your business with a cutlass. Any boat seized after being boarded would then be lawful property of the seizers, the male crew would be subject to death or impressment, the female crew would be subject to slavery.

*Manatees do not count, regardless of how hot they look. I’ve heard all the hot manatee claims before, and that crap won’t fly with me.

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  1. gates
    October 13th, 2009 | 11:31 am

    LoS is back.

  2. October 13th, 2009 | 1:30 pm

    As close as your going to get.

  3. October 13th, 2009 | 2:45 pm

    Know what you’re gonna get?

    a keelhauling in your eye.

  4. american bandersnatch
    October 13th, 2009 | 4:41 pm

    Concur with your ideas. Cutlass and harpoon puissance will be essential when the squid make their move.

  5. RichL
    October 13th, 2009 | 9:08 pm

    I hereby nominate Abdiwali Abdiqadir Muse to be Commodore of all of the local yacht clubs. He is in New York right now.


    with apologies for the source of the info…

  6. October 14th, 2009 | 7:46 pm

    Just wanted to let you know I’ve corrected my website link for commenting purposes, since I know you were curious why it resulted in a page not found error.

    Also, that I think this is a fabulous idea and with the full expectation that it’ll take on ASAP have invested heavily in raping & pillaging education providers.

  7. american bandersnatch
    October 15th, 2009 | 7:45 am

    @6 – I’ll bite. What website are you referring to?

  8. October 15th, 2009 | 9:27 am is the right one, Atlantic changed it around on me, used to be slightly different, those buggers!

  9. Chuck Krug
    October 16th, 2009 | 7:47 am

    I’m on a boat!