Sailing Improvements

by Johnny Debacle

I’ve spent a lot of time recently on a boat. Later on, I was on a dolphin doing flips and shit, but mostly I’ve been on a boat. And all I could think as I idly sailed about was:

“People call this a sport? Raping mother nature’s winds for your own pleasure? Hundreds of feet from your competitors, who like you, are wearing dock shoes, and Nantucket reds and have the complexion of snow. Where is the sport in that? And what is that Somali looking man doing with that RPG?”

Sailing needs something. It needs conflict. It needs physicality. It needs to be more impactful. It needs to feature boarding and grappling hooks.

When Black Beard did the first America’s Cup race back in 17whateverthehell, they didn’t race each other in boats that cost tens of millions dollars, helmed and manned by sons of privilege. They fought each other to death in pilfered pinnaces, helmed and manned solely by maroons and sons of bitches. Race? The only race was to see how long you could survive, and how much whoring and pillaging you’d take down before death.

So obviously things are different. And that’s why sailing needs a sea change, three of them actually.

First things first, the aforementioned grappling and boarding is allowed in all sailing races. Let’s see how many Ted Turners are “courageous” when they face the chance of being gutted from groin to gill by an Australian ex-con named Roggie. As a bonus, this return to its classical roots would make sailing the world’s most popular spectator sport.

Second. All yacht clubs ban popped collars, people with names like Preston, and people rich enough to own a boat. Yacht club membership will remain an exclusive status, but the criteria for admittance will change. Instead of a blue blood test, there will be a red blood test. You have to have killed a man on the sea, justly, to become a full member. Junior membership will be bestowed upon anyone who has won a knife fight or bedded a mermaid.*

Third. Grappling and boarding is also legal at any point on the sea. If you are a “boater” and you love being on the ocean, then you better be able to handle your business with a cutlass. Any boat seized after being boarded would then be lawful property of the seizers, the male crew would be subject to death or impressment, the female crew would be subject to slavery.

*Manatees do not count, regardless of how hot they look. I’ve heard all the hot manatee claims before, and that crap won’t fly with me.

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