Satan’s Portfolio

by Johnny Debacle

Ethical and socially responsible investing has made a lot of buzz as a way of dollar voting for a better world. My instinct as an investor says that those fund flows are going the wrong way and their returns since inception back up my argument.

The more profitable questions to answer are: What does Satan invest in? How does he fund evil? Satan’s Portfolio will track the perfomance of the stocks which Mephistopheles is proud to put his money into, namely, companies who benefit from suffering, death, war, tobacco, nutrasweet and fraud.

Halliburton (ticker: HAL)

Satan’s Investment Thesis: Chaos investment. Halliburton does best when the globe is at strife and their lucrative contingency support KBR subdivision can take advantage of the chaos and pad their high margins with fraud. Also benefits from a rise in oil prices which squeezes the poor into not being able to heat their homes or something, I don’t really know as I heat my house with burned $20’s. Yes, it’s almost cliche to have this as the first entry into the portfolio, but within 5 minutes of my mentioning this idea to Juggles, our site’s logs showed a visitor from (Proof). Chilling.

Experian, a subsidiary of GUS Plc (ticker: GUS.L)

Owns credit services and affiliate marketing products which straddle the line between deceptive and fraud. Their division,, is responsible for a significant portion of all pop-under ads. They target unsophisticated people who cannot discern the validity of their services — their “customer” demographic is the poor, the in-debt, and the stupid. Experian is a pillar of the credit system of this country which is backwards, outdated and unfair. And I LOVE it. So does Satan.

Oracle (ticker: ORCL)

Satan’s Words: “I feel most comfortable putting my retirement money in a company whose CEO looks and acts like me.”

Diageo (ticker: DEO)

Owns many of the world’s leading liquor brands. I can personally thank Diageo for days of lost productivity, liver damage, and one pending divorce. Thanks Jose (Cuervo tequila) and Johnnie (Walker whiskey)! If Diageo can somehow acquire Jaegermeister, Satan will take out a 4th mortgage on Hell and ACCUMULATE. Diageo’s only risk factor is its Responsible Marketing Plan. Hopefully, this is a smokescreen; in my opinion, they should consider taking some ads out on Nickelodeon. It is also not lost on Satan the fact that Diageo’s ticker is the ablative and dative form of “Deus” in Latin.

Monsanto (ticker: MON)

A site called described Monsanto as the “World’s Most Unethical and Harmful Investment.” Satan’s words, “back up the truck”.

The Vice Fund (ticker: VICEX)

Satan is not afraid to say “I am a lazy bastard,” so this fund which only buys assets of companies who profit off drinking, gambling, death, national defense and smoking is perfect for him. These are “recession proof” companies because people can’t get enough Vice. It’s 3 year performance is in the 1st Quintile of Lipper’s Multicap Core Category.

We will continue to build the portfolio until we have added 666 securities. We will follow the performance of Satan’a Portfolio vs the socially responsible Pax World Balanced Fund (ticker: PAXWX, an investing display of Evil vs Good. We know that Evil will win, because Good is stupid (and worse at investing).

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  1. Justin W.
    February 24th, 2007 | 5:29 pm

    When talking about Satan, you really should get the names right. It’s Mephistopheles, one of the chief demons of Christianity that comes from the story of Faust, a scholar who sells his soul to Mephistopheles for knowledge.
    Mephistocles (as you spell it) seems to be what people in gaming forums name themselves because they can’t spell properly and want to have a cool nickname.
    A quick google search on both terms shows that the correct, longer one appears 1000 times more often than the shorter one.

  2. February 25th, 2007 | 7:41 pm

    Noted and corrected. JD just wanted to seem cool to his 12 sided dice wielding buddies.

  3. Madoka
    March 23rd, 2010 | 6:26 am

    You got me at “back up the truck.” I just couldn’t stop laughing.

    I had to explain it to one of my gfs.

    Rock on dudes!

  4. Erin Luen Harper Woodbury
    January 15th, 2013 | 12:08 pm

    My Master,Satan,Thankyou.