Suspension of Dividends

by Mr Juggles

Like most of you, Long or Short Capital is not entirely immune from the current dislocation going on in capital markets. Also like most of you, Long or Short Capital recognizes that this period of extended dislocation and, more generally, the backdrop of the Great Regression, provide the perfect cover for past acts of corporate malfeasance and accounting shenanigans.

The good news is that you, as subcriberholders under our former dividend policy, have been compensated both in the form of money, and in the form of insightful investable recommendations. But there is bad news. Due to the current capital market uncertainty, especially the difficulty we have encountered in trying to secure a revolving line of credit so that we are able maintain sufficient liquidity, as well as the difficulty we have had in finding (entirely theoretical) potential debtor-in-possession financing (seriously we aren’t going to file, we swear on Madison’s life), we have entered into a cash conservation mode. We will be suspending our dividends, retroactively and futurely.

We have hired a financial advisor to explore our options both with respect both to our capital structure and to maximizing value to our executive team. We have them looking into the appropriateness of soliciting reverse dividends from our subscriberholders so as to improve our liquidity and ease the burden of certain off-balance sheet arrangements that were undertaken to finance my yacht (sometimes referred to as “the corporate yacht” in our filings), as well as my summer yacht.

We appreciate your continued support in these trying times. Personally, I think you can relate to the humiliating devastation I feel as I am forced to go from one mega-yacht I purchased due to my excessive compensation as CEO, one company yacht (in name only, I used it exclusively), and one summer yacht paid for by embezzling LoS capital funds, to only one mega-yacht.

For updates on our dividend policy, always navigate to our Dividend Policy. Thank you.

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  1. MB
    February 10th, 2009 | 9:44 am


    Wait… do you own a corporate jet?


    Carry on then.

    -The Prez

  2. jagorev
    February 10th, 2009 | 9:57 am

    I understand the need for a dividend clawback, but do you have to use an actual claw?

  3. PBateman
    February 10th, 2009 | 12:08 pm

    As LoS Capital makes this decision not in response to the past acts of corporate malfeasance and accounting shenanigans, but as means of being conservative with (y)our capital I hope to be paid in kind of insightful investable recommendations so this Bernie Madoff can continue in perpetuity. As for the blog-only mutual funds that are invested in your business (CDO-squareds?), I hope their investors don’t realize “ithe form” dividends are non-cash.

  4. Hans Moleman
    February 10th, 2009 | 10:42 pm

    What about the Class A shares? I mean share.

    Also, have you marked these yachts to market?

  5. February 11th, 2009 | 12:30 pm

    Only three (3) yachts???

    Paul Allen thinks you’re a piker.

  6. RichL
    February 15th, 2009 | 3:27 pm

    Have you considered a reverse dividend policy, otherwise known as a rights offering? That allows management to improve liquidity by selling shares that decline in price. It’s much better than TARP money, as there aren’t any known limits to compensation.