Things I In Finance Is Thankful For

by Johnny Debacle

That is actually me at my new job as a Turkey Basting EngineerThis Thanksgiving is going to be a special one for those who work(ed) in finance, so I thought it would be especially helpful to put together a list of what I am thankful for in this new climate:

  1. Employment! You are great, I am sorry that I ever doubted your greatness but rest assured I will never doubt your greatness again! Until my personal wealth cycle is back in bubble land and I am no longer under-overcompensated, at which point I will regain a severe disdain for the thing that prevents me from writing my screenplay/novel/landscape painting full-time.
  2. Owning a gun! Before I thought it was just a way to overcompensate for what I lacked in my pants, now I realize that it belongs in any pragmatist’s “portfolio”.
  3. The Government! If it weren’t for you, these is no way I would be pocketing these unemployment checks which are allowing me to maintain my high cost mistress for 1-2 dates longer than I thought would have been possible after my earning potential suffered a “correction.”
  4. A return to hourly wages! Before, when I used to be on salary, I always found it stressful not knowing the discrete amount of time that I would have to spend to make say, $7.15 before tax. Based on several interviews I have been on recently, I know that for me to make $7.15 before tax, it will now take exactly 1 hour.
  5. Certainty! Previously I didn’t know when the housing bubble would burst, whether there would be independent investment banks, whether any politicians would be held accountable for cramming housing on people and generally putting the short term way ahead of the long term, whether the stock market could really lose 50% of its value in the post-WWII world and who the biggest dick/fraud on the planet was. The answers were 2007, no, no, yes and Greenspan!
  6. Other countries! They are still way worse off than the US and I am thankful for that. The only thing worse than losing substantial wealth and earnings potential is having your ego destroyed. But given that the US is still superior, my ego still beats like the US economy — strong relative to the rest of the world.
  7. Debt! Leverage got us into this mess, so I reckon that it will be leverage that gets us out — go leverage! Buy Treasuries! Unless I know you, then I recommend shorting Treasuries.
  8. The ability to play fast and loose with grammar in post titles and most everywhere else! I is totally thankful for it.
  9. Most of all, our subcriberstakeholdership! Without all of your contributions, none of this would have been possible. And by “this”, I mean specifically fucking up finance, the economy and this country while living an obscene lifestyle for a twentysomething, thirtysomething or an anyagesomething.

This post is much longer than my original one which was just going to be “Nothing, absolutely nothing, you mother fucker”. I do not kiss my mom with this mouth because that would just be weird. Who invented that expression? Oedipus? I am also thankful that he carved out his own eyes. Spoiler alert.

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  1. November 26th, 2008 | 10:41 am

    “Spoiler alert.” Classique.

    Wait. Damn! You mean he carves his eyes out? Sonovabitch.

  2. Paliban Mom
    November 26th, 2008 | 12:24 pm

    Ah, we blame Alan Greenspan for decades of greed and God-hating which have led to our economy finally facing God’s wrath.

    The Democrats lead the march toward economic fascism, characterized by government investment in, planning of, and tight regulation of the economy, with only a handful of True Capitalists arguing against. The RINOs march in lockstep (goosestep?) with the Demoncrats.

    Where from here? Social fascism to go along with the economic?

    These are terrifying times, Mr. Debacle. I’m glad to see you’re keeping your sense of humor.

  3. Cory
    November 26th, 2008 | 2:42 pm

    Paliban Mom,

    I hope that you are kidding when you say that the Democrats are marching us toward fascism. George Bush and the rest of the big spending Republicans (save Ron Paul)have done far more damage than any democrat in recent memory. The neo-conservatives have hijacked the Republican party. If conservatives do not get their act together and reclaim their party, our only shelter may be the Libertarian Party.

  4. Mr Moneybags
    November 26th, 2008 | 3:40 pm


    did you check out Mrs Paliban’s website? You’ll notice that she seems to be somewhat religious. A bit, at least. It just might be the case that she actually sees no fault whatever with the current state of the GOP.

  5. Hans Moleman
    November 26th, 2008 | 5:00 pm

    What leverage would Jesus use?

    Hey, didn’t he feed like 5000 people with five loaves of bread and a couple of fish?

    Go Leverage!


  6. November 26th, 2008 | 5:05 pm

    I is thankful for employment (knock on wood) as well (he said as he developed a plan to start a new utopian civilization devoid of “poors” somewhere in the Caribbean…)

  7. HF
    November 27th, 2008 | 9:34 am

    Your welcome for being thankful for your subcriberstakeholdership.

  8. TB
    November 28th, 2008 | 9:11 am

    The Paliban Daily website is awesome. It calls Pat Robertson a false prophet, because he called the market wrong. Doesn’t this imply that if Jesus (or any other prophets) was still around, he would be a top quartile analyst? I guess Joesph did make that great call on the 14 year boom-bust cycle.

    But I don’t understand how they can give it to Robertson so heavy while Goldman ‘$200 a barrel’ Sachs is getting away scot-free.

  9. Pleb
    November 29th, 2008 | 12:39 am

    Accountability – I is thankful that we’re finally getting some accountability for those liar loan mortgages, people using their homes as ATM machines, and shitpiles of bad mortgages stacked together, shuffled so as to hide the risk, and sold as “A” bonds.

    That people who pay their bills, invest conservatively, and don’t wring all the equity (and then some, up to 130%) out of their homes (or tranches of resold mortgages) are the ones being held accountable for this f***ing debacle is a travesty, but we have to start somewhere with this accountability thing, right?

  10. November 30th, 2008 | 5:26 pm

    @ Pleb

    Why start now? Its worked great for us so far, right, right?

  11. Paliban Mom
    November 30th, 2008 | 11:48 pm

    Cory, you wrote:

    “I hope that you are kidding when you say that the Democrats are marching us toward fascism. George Bush and the rest of the big spending Republicans (save Ron Paul)have done far more damage than any democrat in recent memory. The neo-conservatives have hijacked the Republican party. ”

    I suggest you take your nose out of your comic books and find out what economic fascism actually is, and why Mussolini was the darling of the international economic scene before WWII.

    Economic fascism began in the US with the New Deal, and has been led primarily by Democrats. I’m preparing a piece on it, but may not have it posted until Tuesday.

    I also suggest you figure out the difference between George W. Bush and neoconservatives, because he ain’t one by any stretch of the imagination.

    Ron Paul is a Libertarian who uses the RNC label. (Kinda like Hillary, who is a Republican with the DNC label.)

    Mr. Moneybags, I am personally horrified by the current state of the GOP. The Lord’s values have been thrown out the window in the mad dash to the center; that’s why McCan’t got nominated instead of Huckabee — “electability”, the same reason Kerry got nominated over Dean — and why he failed miserably. Sarah Palin’s candidacy was the only thing bringing any kind of integrity to the ticket, and you can see by the rally attendance who resonated with True Republicans more!

    The Paliban will campaign tirelessly for a 100% Christian platform in the Republican Party, making it once again God’s Own Party. The only reason for a “big tent” is to hold a REVIVAL!

    Won’t you join us?

  12. December 2nd, 2008 | 2:20 am

    Paliban Mom:

    Any chance I could get you to keep your religion out of my politics?

    No disrespect to your views, but properly done, the religion and politics are in two entirely different spheres, and your dream of a 100% Christian platform for the GOP is a solid indication that you need to found your own political party, and quit fucking up mine.

    By the way, you didn’t ask me, but please take the foregoing as a pre-emptive “No, but thanks for asking”

  13. Strattie
    December 3rd, 2008 | 11:22 am

    @ Paliban Mom

    I do agree about the New Deal.

    But what the hell does you god have anything to do with anything except hicks and urban people, and neither of them are sitting pretty.

    I have no Lord, nobodies slave, thanks.