A Letter to Our Shareholders: On Being Taken Over

by Julia Mezzanine Tranche

Recently, Carl Icon, a noted corporate raider and greenmailer and Chairman of Liquid Icon Capital, LLC (“LIC”), announced his acquisition of a significant block of Long or Short Capital, LLC stock along with his intention to compel changes in management here at Long or Short.

Because we are happy in our cushy offices and enjoy our substantially over-inflated salaries and bonus plans ripe with inexorable options in a fictious stock, we have responded immediately to the threat to luxury with a multi-point takeover defense plan ready for instant implementation. This plan includes the following takeover defense measures:

  1. An aggressive “soft landing” for each member of the Long or Short team involving modest* severance packages in the event of any change of control in Long or Short. (Golden Parachute Defense).
  2. We have arranged with our present bank to increase our interest rate for the outstanding amount of debt we hold by 54% in the event of a change of control. We will, of course, split the interest with the bank, since it was our idea. (Bankmail Defense).
  3. The right of current Long or Short shareholders to buy current Long or Short stock at a deep (95%) discount if any takeover bid is mounted. (Flip-in Defense).
  4. A concentrated program of hysterical crying, drinking and sedative use during this highly stressful period. (Keith Richards Defense). We are also considering holding our breath until either we pass out or Mr. Icon goes away (Blue in the Face Defense).
  5. A one month** vacation in an undisclosed tropical location without extradition treaties with the United States for all the executives at Long or Short. (Skip Bail Defense).

We are highly confident that our superior management skills and expert spending ability will permit us to prevail over this vicious interloper whose only interest, and a shallow one at that, is superior returns for the paid-in shareholders of Long or Short.


The Long or Short Management Team

Here we are in our corporate windbreakers

Back Row, Left to Right: Julia Mezzanine Tranche, Johnny Debacle, Mr. Juggles, Justice Steven Breyer
Front Row, Left to Right: Kaiser Edamame, Dr. Deep Gupta, Justice William Hubbs Rehnquist, Female to be Named Later, Justice Anthony M. Kennedy

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