Aleksey Vayner Responds to the Online Personal Ad of Lucy Gao

by Johnny Debacle

W4M Details and instructions into Lucy’s Party (In Lucy’s Pants)

Dear Potential Lover,

I am excited by the opportunity our future potential sexual relationship may present us. Please read ALL the following to ensure your entry into my pants.

We meet for a light dinner at the Ritz in Mayfair at 8:17 PM. You wear a tailored sports coat, a Pink shirt (a pink Pink shirt is acceptable but not advisable) and smart looking shoes.

Advice 1: It goes without saying that the more upper-class you dress, the less likely you shall be denied entry into my pants.
Advice 2: Photos will be taken between X:00 and X:30 depending on how the date proceeds.

When you arrive at the Ritz, take the Hotel entry on the opposite side of the Green Park tube station. When asked by the Ritz doorman “how can I help you Sir?”, you reply “I am here for Lucy’s Party (In Her Pants)”, otherwise you may be turned away. You will be escorted to the lounge area, where you will see me. We will proceed to the dinner table and open our menus. Do NOT order salad. That is what I am having and were you to have it too, it may introduce an element of awkwardness into our dinner. Order either the foie gras or the faux foie gras as an appetizer. After we finish a 150ml cup of cappucino for desert, we must immediately stop talking at which point you are to exit through the front entrance. You are to begin your voyage home.

If you have been chosen for further activies of the night, you will receive a call from my P.A. Ms Gill informing you of such.

Those activities may include:
10:17pm-11:34pm Dancing at the Rock Garden
11:35pm-11:58pm Taxicab drive back to my apt in Notting Hill
11:58pm-12:02pm Entering my apartment
12:03pm-12:09pm Foreplay
12:10pm-12:11pm Entering my pants hehehehe
12:12pm-02:49am Dry Humping

Oct 19th: Andy
Oct 20th: Sanjay, Yves (Late timeslot)
Oct 21st: JingJing
Oct 22nd: [You]
Oct 23rd: Gharzi
Oct 24th: Chase

Here is what I look like upside down:

Please respond with a little bit about yourself, a faceshot and your qualifications for the party in my pants.

P.S. No fatties.

Lucy Gao
Citigroup Real Estate Equity Research
4th Floor, Citigroup Centre (CGC1)
25 Canada Square, London E14 5LB
Direct Line: +44 207 986 4116
Fax: +44 207 986 4341
Mobile: +44 778 220 5450

Dear Lucy,

There have been many claimants to the crown “The Greatest.”

  • There was Muhammad Ali, a boxer who stood up to the impossible force of the Vietnam war and knocked it out.
  • There was Martin Luther King Jr, who shouted down the impossible oppressive power of culturally ingrained racism and had an impossible dream about red clay hills.
  • There was Gordon Gekko who used his intelligence, worth ethic and lack of ethics to make millions in the 80’s against impossible odds.

But have these men benched pressed 495lbs? No.

Have these men defeated Chuck Norris in mixed martial art combat? Again, the answer is no.

Do these men have the power to move you….with their minds? No.

Lucy Gao, if you were to allow me entrance into the party in your pants, I will fill your body with an enlightened state of being. You will come to know real ultimate power. In my grasp, you will find that your dreams can come true. And you will ask yourself, maybe he was born with it? No I was not born with it. With the power of positive thinking, I have molded myself into a dynamo in the gym, on the courts, in the boardroom and even in your pants.

Before last week, I was basically nothing having only started my own investment fund, won the grand slam of men’s tennis, outdrinken and outskiied Bode Miller in the winter Olympics, won the Nobel peace prize for the charity which I started, held the Street Fighter II machine in my local arcade for 15 straight hours and bedded 5,437 women. This week, I have accomplished so much more and been named the CEO of Vayner Lehman Stern UBS, after I brokered the deal which brought them together in a merger. The key was getting them to focus on my revolutionary “never lose money” investment strategy.

Now that I am somebody, I can with conviction proclaim that if you let me into the party in your pants, I will defeat the impossible. If I am going to be in your pants Lucy, then I am going to be in your pants with PASSION.

The Greatest,
‘Seksey’ Aleksey Vayner
CEO of Vayner Lehman Stern UBS

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  1. Kyle S
    October 17th, 2006 | 11:58 am

    Brilliant. Excellent work.

  2. October 17th, 2006 | 2:20 pm

    Knocked out of the water… great stuff!

  3. Coop
    October 18th, 2006 | 2:36 am

    Dear Johnny Debacle,
    I am an avid reader of Long or Short, and as such I must comment on your latest post. I too was intrigued by the Aleksey Vayner story at first, because the more I read of it, the more absolutely amazed I was that a real living person could be such a total douche bag. It boggled my mind. twice. Yet, I have always loved LoS because you usually tackle the stories that are lurking below the surface, the real diamonds in the rough. Your brilliant knowledge of markets has helped me acheive my goal of becoming a millionaire before the age of zero, becoming the CEO of America, and shattering bricks with the sheer force of my aura. I made a killing on shorting the sasquatch metal and on shorting girl on girl while simultaneously going long guy on girl to hedge for market movements in the X on Y market. Please stay close to your core competencies and strategically create value for your readers through sarcastically analyzing nonexistent markets, and not by beating Leveraged sellout’s lame shit to death. Thanks.

  4. Mike
    October 18th, 2006 | 10:16 am

    Ultimate real estate power!

  5. Sam
    October 18th, 2006 | 11:48 am

    Brilliant brilliant brilliant!

  6. Mr Juggles
    October 18th, 2006 | 12:43 pm


    You make strong points, ones which we tend to agree with internally. We will kill the writer.

    We will also focus on our core competencies, but be warned, if we see the opp to source cheap shit from China, then we will source cheap shit from China (

    What makes your comment interesting is that we actually had this exchange before writing it with another website who asked why we hadn’t done anything on Aleksey:

    “We try and never let them see us coming and we figured Alexsey is similar to Gao which we also avoided for similar reasons. JD sent me a link to that guy’s site on Friday and I was pretty blown away but he is humor already written. There is no angle for us to flesh out. ”

    After that, I threw it out to the staff, just to see if there was an angle so that we could source cheap shit from China like everyone else, and in fact, JD found one that worked well enough. But we take your point about core competencies to heart and it is on our mind at all times.

    We put our capital work when there is an angle wherever that may be, with a bias towards avoiding the overly played. We also hold the Leveraged Sell-Out in high esteem and if you don’t we suggest you check out
    Simply stated, LSO rocks.

    Thanks a lot for the feedback, we appreciate all guidance offered by our stakeholders. We look forward to continuing our legacy of being the market leader in the abstract investment advice market and providing you attractive returns on your time. Thank you.