Bear With Me

by Bear

ROARRRRRRYYYYYRRRRRRRRRAWNNNNNNNN! I am SOOOO sleepy. You people (I can say that shit without being racist, I’m a bear as sure I shit in the woods (which is amazing btw)) get all worked up and jonesing for frappucino when you have hunkered down for like 8 hours tops. Can’t function, face like a sat-upon powdered donut, hair like a goddamned hippy. Try 6 months, fools! You know what hibernating is like? Thermonuclear halitosis, especially if you didn’t do a good job flossing out them salmon bits. My hair looks like a frazzled mess. And dreams so vivid I could taste the shark in my mouth from when I gave it a massive dream beatdown. Still bracing from my return to a reality where not even Vegas will sanction a proper BvS fight.

Anyhow, I don’t know where the jokers who kept me in this cave are. I am mostly sure I didn’t eat them but the timing of my nap compared to the timing of their departures…and the fullness of my belly…and these human bones scattered about…that all begs some mighty serious questions. But fuck’em, I’m here and they’re not. It’s great for you because now I have the run of the place, and perfect timing based on what’s been going down.

So by way of proper introduction, I am Bear and I have an MBA from the “Harvard of Grizzly Maze.” Here is a shot of me at my desk. There is nothing else you will need to know.

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