Can Lohan Get US Long?

by User Submitted

My advice is to take all the money that I blow on cocaine and blow exactly that amount on US EquitiesResearch by Straight Cash Homie appended to Long Chunky Chick Assets:

This research needs to be augmented with the Lindsey Lohan indicator. When she was a coked out whore doing Disney films and being filmed doing guys in her Disney trailer (or bathroom stall) the bull market was in full effect. Since she has allegedly gone to rehab and sworn off the blow (and the men) the market has grown almost as cold as her career.

I propose the only way to really make the economy take its first big stride forward to recovery is to nationalize her and allow bankers to use her as means to rebuild confidence. This would undoubtedly be a highly controversial step but saving our economy is more important than any supposed “moral hazard.” To satisfy the Bailout Stimulus (or B-S for short) conditions on the population at large benefiting from such an investment she can be “taken public” by resale to Club Jenna by Vivid for a huge profit generator in DVD sales and “Club” appearances. It will take a few years to spin her assets back out for public benefit, by that time the coke habit and confidence (along with closely related cousin: The Bull Market) are back full swing!

(note: the public, like bank equity holders, will in no way experience anywhere near the benefits of those in Finance. They will gladly way over pay for what they are actually getting and by that time her risk level will be WAY more “speculative” than an equity traunch of a CDO. We all know the ensuing bull market will cause the irrelevance of risk controls and due diligence so just remember to get her stamped with the AAA rating and it’s a done deal.)

Following on, he submitted the following by electronic correspondence:

Lohan, 22, went on a bender after a Beverly Hills court issued a $50,000
warrant for her arrest for a probation breach
. She partied at JACK NICHOLSON’s Hollywood home until 4.30am.

Given my prior posts regarding the correlation for Lohan debauchery to the market, partying with Jack Nicholson has to be a very encouraging sign.

Recommendation: While technical-focused traders are looking for evidence that the recent rally will be sustained, the Lohan indicator is pointing Very Long, an upgrade from Half Mast.. The Lohan indicator is still the red-headed stepchild of indicators, but we recommend hitting that bid.

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  1. american bandersnatch
    March 17th, 2009 | 11:47 am

    You stay classy, LoSC

  2. Chuck Krug
    March 18th, 2009 | 4:08 am

    You hit the ask if you’re buying.

  3. ludwig story
    March 18th, 2009 | 12:42 pm

    Raivo Pommer


    Der Einbruch bei den deutschen Exporten lässt die Wirtschaft in den kommenden Monaten voraussichtlich weiter schrumpfen.

    Das Institut für Wirtschaftsforschung Halle (IWH) sagte gestern laut Mitteilung ein Minus des Bruttoinlandsprodukts von 4,8 Prozent voraus, das Deutsche Institut für Wirtschaftsforschung Berlin erwartet im ersten Quartal ein Schrumpfen um 2,2 Prozent.

    Laut IWH hat der Einbruch der Weltkonjunktur im Winterhalbjahr den Exportweltmeister Deutschland viel stärker getroffen als noch zu Jahresende erwartet. Die konjunkturellen Aussichten für wichtige Handelspartner hätten sich weiter verschlechtert. Die Exporte werden nach Einschätzung des IWH daher im weiteren Jahresverlauf sinken. Unter dem Einbruch der Exporte leide zunächst vor allem die westdeutsche Wirtschaft, sagte IWH-Konjunkturexperte Udo Ludwig der AFP. Die Ost-Unternehmen seien hingegen weniger exportorientiert. Trotzdem könnte die Schwäche bei den Ausfuhren auch den Osten treffen – denn viele ostdeutsche Firmen beliefern Exportbetriebe im Westen.

    Profitieren könnte Ostdeutschland laut Ludwig hingegen von seiner starken Konsumgüterindustrie. Bislang sind die Verbraucher nach den Lohnsteigerungen des vergangenen Jahres in Kauflaune

  4. March 18th, 2009 | 4:07 pm

    I have an idea, why don’t you take your asshole public and see how funny your piss poor joke is in the reverse?

  5. american bandersnatch
    March 19th, 2009 | 5:45 am

    @girl – It seems you’re taking issue with the site’s editorial shift from clever to low-brow. I think they’re going after a different demographic.