Long Chunky Chick Assets

by Johnny Debacle

A Cornucopia of Countercyclical AssetsThe recessionary environment effects all facets of life, from investment decisions to “investment decisions.”  When society as a whole is economically well-off, the hotness is skinny women, peak fertility is less important, the demand is for Paris Hilton’s but with pretty faces and less syphilis.  When times are tough, biological gears shift to value fertility higher up on the scale.  “Curvy” stops being a euphemism for “my fat friend” and instead becomes, itself, the hotness. And based on the current outlook for the economy, we are going to be needing a whole lot of child-bearing hips to weather this perfect storm.

In this light, it was a huge miss by the analyst community to not spot this recession/depression.  They were handed an obvious indicator on a silver plate, or in this case, a digital video tape.  In 2007, Kim Kardashian emerged on the scene in a big, big way.  While not truly chunky, there was a lot more cushion in her portfolio, and it cannot be said that she didn’t butt her way past the skinnified starlet assets and pseudo-celebrity assets who had been feted for years.  She was something different, a new trend, a hybrid, a transitional sex symbol that foreshadowed who would come in the future.  She was the herald of the reemergence of chunky, the countercyclical asset class.

We expect chunky chick assets to also benefit not only from increased general attractiveness, but to be additionally enhanced on a relative basis when clothed. Per our Cleavage Hypothesis, we expecte cleavage line and shirt lengths to creep back up to historical norms. In this situation, the natural endownments of the chunky chick asset class should serve to mitigate those retracements.

Recommendation: We’re upgrading chunky chick assets to Strong Hit; our catalyst for a ratings upgrade to Sir-Mix-A-Lot would be evidence that the Great Regression will be sustained through the end of 2010. Skinny chick assets, runner chick assets and flat-ass chick assets have all been downgraded from Market Hit to Tipsy Hit; a catalyst for an upgrade would be either a sooner than expected turn-around in the economy, or an increase in the capital cushion within their respective portfolios.

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  1. samhill
    February 24th, 2009 | 11:01 am

    finally, I’ve been long CCA for so long I was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with my analysis

  2. Cornelius
    February 24th, 2009 | 11:14 am

    i cannot help but wonder if you are deliberately downgrading skinny chick assets so you can scoop them up at a discounted rate. additionally, i believe your analysis overlooks the downside of increased fertility, namely actually having children–although, admittedly this would only be a concern for a long term play.

  3. FuManChu
    February 24th, 2009 | 12:18 pm

    My personal trade recommendation for a CCA and CH double-play would be to go long Asian textile mills.

    The combined market forces of less clevage on display combined with larger clevages to cover will cause material costs to sky-rocket, allowing the sweatshops to turn over a proper profit in what is likely to be a difficult year. With luck, this will warm the hearts of the owners to extending 2 warm meals a week to the hard-working kids.

    See, it’s a humanitarian investment as well.

  4. Pleb
    February 24th, 2009 | 1:12 pm

    So what you’re saying is:

    Long Jessica Simpson. Short Calista Flockhart.

    Which should be easy. I’d long Jessica Simpson any day.

  5. Straight Cash Homie
    February 24th, 2009 | 4:10 pm

    This research needs to be augmented with the Lindsey Lohan indicator. When she was a coked out whore doing Disney films and being filmed doing guys in her Disney trailer (or bathroom stall) the bull market was in full effect. Since she has allegedly gone to rehab and sworn off the blow (and the men) the market has grown almost as cold as her career.

    I propose the only way to really make the economy take its first big stride forward to recovery is to nationalize her and allow bankers to use her as means to rebuild confidence. This would undoubtedly be a highly controversial step but saving our economy is more important than any supposed “moral hazard.” To satisfy the Bailout Stimulus (or B-S for short) conditions on the population at large benefiting from such an investment she can be “taken public” by resale to Club Jenna by Vivid for a huge profit generator in DVD sales and “Club” appearances. It will take a few years to spin her assets back out for public benefit, by that time the coke habit and confidence (along with closely related cousin: The Bull Market) are back full swing!

    (note: the public, like bank equity holders, will in no way experience anywhere near the benefits of those in Finance. They will gladly way over pay for what they are actually getting and by that time her risk level will be WAY more “speculative” than an equity traunch of a CDO. We all know the ensuing bull market will cause the irrelevance of risk controls and due diligence so just remember to get her stamped with the AAA rating and it’s a done deal.)

  6. Size
    February 25th, 2009 | 1:29 pm


    You assume that J. Debacle is the axe on girl assets. That remains to be seen. You also completely overlook the benefits of having children. More children make it easier to qualify for more tax breaks and outright government handouts. There is, apparently, a grave need to stimulate reproduction and leisure instead of productivity and Obama has announced that government will wisely do just that.

  7. February 25th, 2009 | 1:51 pm

    Not only that, but there little hands and nimble fingers can be very profitable when employed making garments and soccer balls. In these times, you need to think out of the box, and put those kids you have in cages to good, productive use.

  8. Cornelius
    February 26th, 2009 | 10:38 am

    my mistake, gents.

  9. Size
    February 26th, 2009 | 9:23 pm

    Actually, I’m a chick, Cornelius. My neither chunky nor skinny chick assets were acquired long ago. A decade and a half later, through thick and thin, the purchaser still exhibits no buyer’s remorse. However, that may be a factor of the declining eyesight that comes with aging.

    However, given the profit opportunities Juggles illustrated, along with the rent seeking opportunities they represent, I now sort of wish we’d had more kids and less career and money.

  10. February 27th, 2009 | 12:47 am

    my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hon

  11. serf
    March 1st, 2009 | 3:37 pm

    I’m long big butts…