Long Chunky Chick Assets

by Johnny Debacle

A Cornucopia of Countercyclical AssetsThe recessionary environment effects all facets of life, from investment decisions to “investment decisions.”  When society as a whole is economically well-off, the hotness is skinny women, peak fertility is less important, the demand is for Paris Hilton’s but with pretty faces and less syphilis.  When times are tough, biological gears shift to value fertility higher up on the scale.  “Curvy” stops being a euphemism for “my fat friend” and instead becomes, itself, the hotness. And based on the current outlook for the economy, we are going to be needing a whole lot of child-bearing hips to weather this perfect storm.

In this light, it was a huge miss by the analyst community to not spot this recession/depression.  They were handed an obvious indicator on a silver plate, or in this case, a digital video tape.  In 2007, Kim Kardashian emerged on the scene in a big, big way.  While not truly chunky, there was a lot more cushion in her portfolio, and it cannot be said that she didn’t butt her way past the skinnified starlet assets and pseudo-celebrity assets who had been feted for years.  She was something different, a new trend, a hybrid, a transitional sex symbol that foreshadowed who would come in the future.  She was the herald of the reemergence of chunky, the countercyclical asset class.

We expect chunky chick assets to also benefit not only from increased general attractiveness, but to be additionally enhanced on a relative basis when clothed. Per our Cleavage Hypothesis, we expecte cleavage line and shirt lengths to creep back up to historical norms. In this situation, the natural endownments of the chunky chick asset class should serve to mitigate those retracements.

Recommendation: We’re upgrading chunky chick assets to Strong Hit; our catalyst for a ratings upgrade to Sir-Mix-A-Lot would be evidence that the Great Regression will be sustained through the end of 2010. Skinny chick assets, runner chick assets and flat-ass chick assets have all been downgraded from Market Hit to Tipsy Hit; a catalyst for an upgrade would be either a sooner than expected turn-around in the economy, or an increase in the capital cushion within their respective portfolios.

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