Long Hopelessly Spoiled Blonds, Medical Professionals

by Julia Mezzanine Tranche

This brown thing isn't all I eatThe Legal profession is a mature industry that has recently entered the “decline” phase of the service offering life cycle. This analyst expects significant decline in the industry and a “Short Legal Professionals” recommendation is a key part of this research.

Though once a critical industry key (even essential) to unlocking value in several areas including:

  • Large and unwarranted money damages (pure windfalls)
  • Access to key decision makers in the highly liquid and competitive market for favorable legislation (lobbying)
  • Freedom (from incarceration after pressing the limits of the capitalist system to the edge)

Legal professionals and the industry show several signs that compel us to “call the top.” These include:

1. I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby (J.D. Columbia, 1975).

Indicted on five felony counts and subsequently convicted in March 2007 and sentenced in June 2007 on four of the counts despite strong evidence that the underlying offense never took place and the recanting of at least one grand jury witness. Even Mr. Libby’s close ties to the most powerful man on earth (Vladimir Putin) failed him and a pardon, usually par for the course and despite his connection with the second most powerful man on the planet (Dick Chaney), seems unlikely. Most concerning, one of the counts was “obstruction of justice,” an ignominious allegation for any lawyer to endure. (Perjury and “making false statements,” by contrast, are absurdly common in the field).

2. Jack Abramroff (J.D. Georgetown, 1986).

Pled guilty on January 3, 2006, to three criminal felony counts in a Washington, D.C., federal court, then on January 4, pled guilty to two criminal felony counts in a separate federal court, in Miami. Subsequently sentenced to five years and 10 months in prison and ordered to pay restitution of more than $21 million. Abramroff’s connection to the second most powerful man in the world also failed him.

3. Richard A. Hutton (J.D. University of California, Los Angeles, 1970).

Who, despite vigorous argument that his client was a “victim of an unfair and unjust legal system,” failed to secure more than a 20 day reduction in sentence for Paris Hilton (despite a six-figure legal bill).

4. Dr. Charles Sophy (Medical Director for the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services and Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California Los Angeles Neuro-Psychiatric Institute).

Has with a few choice words has managed to extricate Ms. Hilton from:

A. Testifying in a civil suit against her brought by actress and diamond heiress Zeta Graff. (“She is too emotionally distraught and traumatized over her sentence.”)
B. Arriving on-time to her various DUI hearings. (“Ms. Hilton cannot effectively respond to examination as a witness or provide any significant input into her defense.”)
C. Being interviewed by correctional officials to determine her eligibility for a “special needs unit.” (“Ms. Hilton is not capable of any meaningful participation.”)
D. Serving more than 70 hours of her 25 day jail sentence actually IN the correctional facility. (Via close consultation with a correctional review board).

The aggressive move of the medical profession into areas once served by the legal community is a huge indicator and prompts our very strong Long position in the industry.

Investors should consider the arbitrage opportunities of going Short the United States as more and more consequenceless behavior is encouraged, “undisclosed medical conditions,” become trump cards for any offense and annoying, hopelessly spoiled blond girls gain significant market share.


Long Medical Professionals owing to their newly developing powers and wealth transfer from the United States.
Long Annoying, Hopelessly Spoiled Blond Girls owing to their close channel marketing relationships with Medical Professionals and the consequent wealth transfer from the United States.
Short Legal Professionals owing to the decline in their influence, power, wealth and freedom.
Short the United States but more Short Canada, because Canada still sucks.

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  1. HarlemHaberdasher
    June 7th, 2007 | 4:52 pm

    Short this post’s grammar, especially since Mr Juggles once mocked me for my failure to maintain parallelism in a sentence. (I was mocking his ability to maintain funny in posts, so maybe I had it coming.)

    Exhibit A:
    “Even Mr. Libby’s close ties to the most powerful man on earth (Vladimir Putin) failed him and a pardon, usually par for the course and despite his connection with the second most powerful man on the planet (Dick Chaney), seems unlikely.”

    Exhibit B:
    Though once a critical industry key (even essential) to unlocking value in several areas including

  2. HarlemHaberdasher
    June 7th, 2007 | 4:54 pm

    Welcome to the fold nonetheless Ms. Tranche. All that “save hot boobies” campaining on the part of LoSC must be exhausting, as well as, I imagine, a real drain on the inner grammar nazi.

  3. June 7th, 2007 | 5:04 pm

    She has long been in the fold, just infrequently. Best not to cross her, lest she kill you and salt the Earth so you and your kind can never grow there again.

  4. June 7th, 2007 | 6:01 pm

    You can review my significant contributions to Long or Short research via the novel “search” feature on the site. To make life easier for you try this link:

    Link to my contributions

    My undue paralaxism might be attributable to the fact that English is my third (or fourth depending on how you count) language. If you submit detailed corrections I will be happy to send them to a post-MBA first year analyst to do the data entry.

  5. June 7th, 2007 | 8:08 pm

    I thought that writing looked very familiar. Just never realized EP posted for LoS (I’ve only been an investor since Q107). How come Kaiser/Juggles never return the favor?

  6. June 8th, 2007 | 12:04 am

    Going Private rarely does guest spots. (No one has ever asked…?)

  7. June 8th, 2007 | 10:33 am

    We do not have the ability to write anything longer than 250 words which is not tall enough to ride that rollercoaster.

  8. June 8th, 2007 | 3:50 pm

    Well put, sir, but I’m sure the combined force of Kaiser, Juggles and Debacle could stack up. Or maybe EP could do an interview, like she did with Bess Levin. An inside look at the minds behind LoS.

  9. negroni
    June 8th, 2007 | 4:14 pm

    Looks like Paris is back to jail.

  10. Zimbabwe Ministry of Finance
    June 8th, 2007 | 4:59 pm

    short julia, or buy on the correction?

  11. June 8th, 2007 | 5:07 pm

    Buy on the correction. It seems clear that the medical profession is still at work. Rumors that Paris is “detoxing” will likely carry more weight than the absurd Habeas Corpus appeal currently the subject of frantic writing.

    Long-term investors will likely enjoy substantial abnormal returns in the months after Paris’ release regardless. “Reformed” is a high credibility market platform in the United States where the most coveted social status symbol is that of “victim.” (see e.g., Milken, Kevin Poulsen, etc.)

  12. utesdude
    June 10th, 2007 | 10:11 pm

    long Canada, short longorshort