Long Mitt Romney

by Johnny Debacle

Things have never looked worse for Mitt Romney. We think they can only get better.

Since securing the Republican party’s mandate, Romney had hovered near a coin-flip to beat The Obama. Then Romney made the unfortunate mistake of personally insulting half the country in attempt to secure votes, an unconventional and seemingly unsuccessful strategy. Romney’s odds have subsequently cratered down to near 20% per Intrade, while FiveThirtyEight has him at less than 15%.

His performance in general suggests nothing more than a guy who wears laundry emblazoned with a big ol’ “R“, under which he has some sweet special pajamas. Romney has shown himself to be a phony suit who is bad at talking, an unfortunate status when running against a cynically empty suit who is good at talking. It’s easy to get caught up in the negatives of Romney’s candidacy and his situation.

As abstract value investors, we can’t help but look at the positives. Namely, Romney’s outstanding fundamentals: his strong chin, his fantastic hair, his above average height, and, most importantly, his maleness. The fundamental ratios are off the charts, no matter how you look at them. ChinHair:Age-35, Height:Avg Height, Trailing Acute Angles Outstanding, etc. The man seems like he should be the President. Seriously, look at him.

Recommendation: Long Romney. Investors in Romney’s Initial Presidential Offering bought in at a price of Likely President; the sell-side threw out consensus targets of Two-term President as soon as publishing began. That’s the past — those investors’ portfolios have so much red in them, they look like the punchline of a Kermit-in-a-blender joke. And it’s ridiculous to project that Romney will ever trade up to President. But his fundamentals are so strong that there is a floor in how badly he can trade; we still think he can bounce back to Yeah, You Can Kinda Imagine Him Having Been President.

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  1. jacknife gypsy
    October 4th, 2012 | 6:22 am

    Can’t talk???

    TheBamster can??

    Jeesus, I hope you guys aren’t investment fund managers.

    POTUS looked like Alfred E. Neumann and the Mitt looked like he not only should be POTUS but perhaps Beneveolent Emperor in what was supposed to be a debate last night and turned into a “i don’t like being POTUS anymore, get me a job that I can do” ending of theBamster’s first term. Demosthenes could have beat him on every single point.

    If I wasn’t so cynical, and gave up hope of changing the systen 20 years ago, and have been proven right for 5 elections so far, I’d vote for Mitt just for fun.

  2. October 4th, 2012 | 5:01 pm

    “Jeesus, I hope you guys aren’t investment fund managers.”

    We hope we aren’t, too. But no matter what we do, we still are. Life is really a conundrum, isn’t it, jacknife gypsy?

  3. jacknife gypsy
    October 5th, 2012 | 10:11 am

    Mr. Juggles, i come from the scientific premise that the odds of even being born are 350,000,000 to 1. Once you begin from there, all the rest has to be looked at as nothing more than, “Chance”, fortune good or bad or middling, right from the get go as to what you inherited in the way of survival-prosper-excel traits, from both sides of your ancestors. Breeding for a list of the most potent genetic material seems ever more the only way to keep us from ultimately destroying ourselves because for sure this random mating has put us on to a trajectory of what may be a destiny that is catastrophic. We can reduce the odds significantly if a couple billion people will just stop reproducing.

    Everything comes down to ‘how LIKELY is something—-true, false, grey, black, white, etc. ad nauseum’. e.g how likely is it that the investment and government and NGO thieves like Lord Blankfein, Dick Fuld, Joe Cassano, John Thain, Ken Lewis, Angelo Mozillo, Jamie Dimon, Alan Greenspan, ben Bernanke, Franklin Raines, Leach, Bliley, Graham, Frank, Dodd, Cox, and a thousand others are to be prosecuted under ANY admenstruation, republican or democrat, when they are in bed with both parties, calling all the shots?

    So, you bet it’s a conundrum. And whole lot more.

  4. October 20th, 2012 | 7:56 pm

    Ron Paul can win if the system isn’t tlaltoy corrupt. The other Reps are all the same, so they will splinter the neo-con votes. Also, Ron Paul voters are not apathetic. They will show up and vote.Dean was sidelined by MSM because of the “dean scream.” They have tried to do this with Dr. Paul, but it’s different with the growth of blogs and youtube. Citizen media is informing more about these tricks. For instance, I wouldn’t have known about CNBC taking down Dr. Paul’s successful post-debate results if it weren’t for a comment here on HP. they want us to think he doesn’t have a chance. that the internet is this strange world of fringe voters, when everyone I know uses the internet.not sure if this is true, but I’ve heard that the people being called for the votes bias against RP because 1) they only call land lines, and 2) they call people who voted in the last primary which are the die hard Bush neo-cons.lastly, the anti-abortion issue bothered me too, but he is right to let the states decide on it. it is a complex personal issue. I understand where he’s coming from given that he delivered babies and it’s kind of arbitrary to say it’s okay to destroy what he’s about to deliver until such and such point. so basically if he wins, many states will retain legal abortions because he believes it’s a state issue and he does not push his personal feelings about this on the states. I think this might be the most fair way to deal with such a tough issue when I put my personal feelings aside and try to look at it objectively.

  5. jd
    November 2nd, 2012 | 12:46 pm

    i’d say look at obama as if he were an investor who can print his own money.

    trend: the guy just can’t stop picking losers to invest in, yet important people still love him.

    strategy:approach whitehouse with some politically polular technology which is unproven (e.g., hurricane prevention machine), call it green, get millions in loans and grants, declare bankruptcy, pay kickbacks, then retire.

    going with romney this year.