Long or Short Announces Q2’06 Dividend of $1.50

by Mr Juggles

Creating value for our subscribers, that’s what we are all about. If we don’t get you with our content, we’ll instead reel you in with our dividends. Long or Short Capital is happy to announce our Q2’06 dividend of $1.50 per subscriberholder per our dividend policy. A subscriberstake is now worth $75, assuming no growth and an 8% discount rate. Assuming just a measly 5% annual growth in our dividend gets you to a value of $200 for a subscriberstake. How much does a subscriberstake cost? $0. We bring the value to you. Given our float of 85 subscriberstakes and the no growth assumption, our current capitalization is $6,735.

For subscribers who are uninterested in money (these people are known in common parlance as “complete morons”) we have financially engineered a payment-in-kind Class C subscriberstake. You forfeit the right to your dividend in exchange for a link to a non-pornographic site of your choice on our Dividend Policy permanent link page. So as our dividend policy is promoted, Class C subscriberholders’ sites will be promoted. We think that properly aligns incentives.

Who are your subscriberholders:
Email and XML subscribers as of the given quarter’s end. These are the only readers we can reliably verify and who will be eligible for a given quarter’s dividend. Additionally, we feel that they are also the stickiest readers and we are big proponents of RSS usage. They have the largest stake in us.

How does a subscriber collect their Q2’06 dividend:
For Email Subscribers: by 2/16/05, Send an email to misterjuggles@gmail.com from your subscription email with your desired link or paypal address and we will send you $1.50. Cash money.
For XML subscribers: by 2/16/05, Send an email to misterjuggles@gmail.com with the “The Dividend Password” enclosed (you should have received an RSS post titled “The Dividend Password” a little over a week ago). Enclose either your Class C link or your paypal address and we will send you $1.50. Cash money.

All unused money will be reinvested back into the website.

What about your next quarterly dividend:
Our next quarterly dividend will be determined by the following formula. The lesser of $1.50 per subscriberholder or 80% of revenue, divided by the number of subscriberholders at the end of the given quarter. The latter formula would have yielded a $1.82 dividend for Q2’06, so the $1.50 dividend has quite a bit of cushion.

We will also revise up the dividend if our revenue per a subscriber improves, which we have already done from our original $1.00 dividend in Q1’06; we will never revise down or suspend the dividend without a proxy vote of registered subscriberholders.

Why are you doing this:
  1. We are the first and only site to issue a dividend.
  2. This dividend cements our place among the elite internet companies. Please note that our quarterly dividend will be larger than that of Yahoo, eBay, and Google combined.
  3. Since your subscriberholder stake cost you $0, the dividend yield on your investment is infinite, making Long or Short the best investment in the world.
  4. It combines finance with the absurd.
  5. It turns our subscribers into stakeholders and incents them to grow our revenues, by bringing in traffic or driving themselves to our sponsors. We believe proper incentives can solve any problem, from internet site readership to global poverty. Hence our support of the Grameen Foundation.
  6. We obviously are not in this for the money so this is a much more appopriate use of the ad revenue.
  7. Numerated lists are pretty sweet.

How do I become a subscriberholder:
Use the buttons and syndication links at the top right to subscribe via email or XML. We recommend the latter, since Feedburner helped us with this process and we are totally long them.

All other inquiries should be directed to misterjuggles@gmail.com. The management of Long or Short are proud to be economists, who are utilizing incentives, science and research to improve the lives of the rich.

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  1. February 14th, 2006 | 5:12 pm

    I still don’t have a paypal account… could this be cumulative?

  2. February 15th, 2006 | 6:41 pm

    Have you considered a PIK Dividend, perhaps Cheetos and/or Redvines. This may be somewhat difficult for your clearing firm to process, but it would be delicious.