Long or Short Capital Announces 1st Quarterly Dividend of $1.00

by Mr Juggles

Pending the routine audit of our 1st quarter results, Long or Short Capital plans to begin paying a quarterly dividend, using the cash generated by our hilarious operations to create value for our subscriberholders. The board considered a number of strategeric options including: a hostile takeover of Marginal Revolution, paying bums to advertise for us, and blowing all the cash on hookers and coke. Instead, we have decided to initiate a quarterly dividend of $1.

Our reasoning was simple: We realized that we value you, our readers, and now you will finally be able to value us. Literally. Assuming a $1 quarterly dividend, no growth, and an 8% discount rate, being a subscriberholder is worth $50.

Who are your subscriberholders:
Email and XML subscribers as of 10/28/05. These are the only readers we can reliably verify and who will be eligible for this quarter’s dividend. Additionally, we feel that they are also the stickiest readers and we are big proponents of RSS usage. They have the largest stake in us.
How does a subscriber collect a dividend:
For Email Subscribers: Send an email to misterjuggles@gmail.com from your subscription email with your paypal address and we will send you $1. Cash money.
For XML subscribers: Send an email to misterjuggles@gmail.com with the “Subscription Verification Code” enclosed (you should have received a “magical word” on Sunday in our feed). Enclose your paypal address and we will send you $1. Cash money.
All unused money will be reinvested back into the website.
What about your next quarterly dividend:
Our next quarterly dividend will be determined by the following formula. The lesser of $1 per subscriberholder or (80% of revenue) divided by the number of subscriberholders at quarter end. The latter formula would have yielded a $1.50 dividend, so the $1 dividend has quite a bit of cushion. After this quarter, we will require people to fulfill some sort of registration, as of yet undetermined, to be eligible. It shall be light.
We will also revise up the dividend if our revenue per a subscriber improves; we will never revise down or suspend the dividend without a proxy vote of registered subscriberholders.
Why are you doing this:
  1. We will be the first and only site to issue a dividend.
  2. This dividend cements our place among the elite internet companies. Please note that our quarterly dividend will be larger than that of Yahoo, eBay, and Google combined.
  3. It combines finance with the absurd.
  4. It turns our subscribers into stakeholders and incents them to grow our revenues, by bringing in traffic or driving themselves to our sponsors. We believe proper incentives can solve any problem, from internet site readership to global poverty. Hence our support of the Grameen Foundation.
  5. We obviously are not in this for the money so this is a much more appropriate use of the ad revenue.
  6. Numerated lists are pretty sweet.

How do I become a subscriberholder:
Use the buttons and forms at the top left to subscribe via email or XML. We recommend the latter, since Feedburner helped us with this process and we are totally long them.

All other inquiries should be directed to misterjuggles@gmail.com. The management of Long or Short are proud to be economists, who are utilizing incentives, science and research to improve the lives of the rich.

Risks and Uncertainties
Neither the SEC nor any state securities commission has approved or disapproved of the subscriberholdership securities or determined if this prospectus is truthful or complete. As a subscriberholder, you are being granted Class B shares in Long or Short Capital LLC. You should probably realize that Class A shares (there is actually only one Class A share and it’s held by Mr Juggles) have perfty-perf votes per share compared to 1.25 votes per share for Class B.

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