On Liquidating Your PA

by Kaiser Edamame

Contact your broker and say “Sell! Sell! Sell!”

Contact your broker and say “Buy! Buy! Buy!”. This will lead to liquidation, especially if your account is of the margin variety, but it will take a few more weeks and involve having no money left.

Wear a whale belt. Let the market know you still feel Nantucket, even if deep inside you know you are Jersey Shore now that the market’s scythe has reaped what you have sown.

Drink heavily. Yet. There will be plenty of time come Friday to reenact The Lost Weekend. The drugs don’t work, but the sauce does.

Invest your new newly found liquidity in sexy parties. Sexy parties are one of very few assets with no-downside

Invest your money in stocks, bonds, phantom bonds, subprime mortgages, hedge funds, put options, call options, securities, US dollars, New Zealand dollars, Renminbi, currencies, real estate, gold, commodities.

Yell. Primal screaming has proven therapeutic effects. We read this on the internet.

Worry. Now that you aren’t invested in the markets, they can only go up.

Possibly Fake but very Full Disclosure: I own nothing

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  1. short mcshort
    August 16th, 2007 | 12:27 pm

    this collapse is a big f*ck you to everyone that claimed that i was wasting my bonuses on blow and hookers. how’s YOUR portfolio?

  2. Lily
    August 16th, 2007 | 2:44 pm

    I’m in favor of sexay pahtays.

  3. The Corner
    August 20th, 2007 | 6:57 pm

    My only long position at this point is in Long or Short subscriptions. In fact I just wired out $2.3 mil from my Bear Stearns PB acct to cover the premium. They said it wouldn’t go out til tomorrow though, something about corporate treasury issues….? Whatever.